GIrl Scout Dropout

So apparently it's the 100th Anniversary for the Girl Scouts of America this month.

And you know who was a Girl Scout?

Reese Witherspoon, Katie Couric, Dolly Parton, our old pal Martha Stewart, Taylor Swift

Fergie
She has a flat stomach and all those badges? Betch!

Dakota Fanning.
She has more movies than badges - fair enough.

Yours Truly!

Holla! 

Seriously! Look at that 4th grade photo - rocking the G.S. outfit and accessories like a bad-bang, dimple-sporting, cookie-selling bad-ass!!

Truth be told. I hated Girl Scouts. I was only in it because my BFF C.Z. was in it AND Girl Scouts is a cheap babysitter. (Thanks, mom!)

Besides me and C.Z. all the other girls were kinda nerdy.  (I'm sorry if one of you is reading this but it was 1988 - we are kinda nerdy.) But I remember watching them like,"WTF am I doing here? I hate these outfits, I hate saying the dumb Girl Scout honor with my hand all up in the air, I hate arts and crafts, I hate cooking.  I remember trying to like it and have an "open-mind" because my mom wanted me to but I'm not sure I tried very hard.

I think the only badges I had were sports badges. They weren't even sewn onto my G.S. vest - we taped them on for ceremonies! I'm not even kidding! Do you see any badges on my vest in that picture? Nope, but if you look really close you might see some double sided tape residue!

My mom worked 7 days a week! She did not have time to sew stupid badges on my stupid vest. And I never earned my sewing badge so......... that was that.

I'm sure my G-ma could have sewed some on but like I said, I never really gave a shit.

And when it came time for cookie selling, my mom just took that ordering sheet to all her jobs and BAM! Cookie -Selling Badge! Never to make it on the vest either!

Mmmmmmm...... Girl Scout Cookies.......

Samoas = My favorite! 

Not to be confused with a Samoan......

I'll take either one, thanks!!

I LOVE me some Girl Scout Cookies!! I haven't purchased any this year which is going swimmingly with my plan to lose a few pounds!

I'm not knocking the Girl Scouts and all their 3.2 million members. I am sure they teach real values and cooking and whatever.

I was just never a real big fan.

Avain Vehicular Manslaughter

So I was thinking a little bit about this little blog and decided to check out my little "stats" that Blogspot provides for us so we can see how many people have come to this page, from where, googling whatever random shit people google and they land on PLWV and from what country readers are from and so on and so on.

So far I've had 13,550+ hits. These hits are not to be confused with people actually reading my writing - more like googling a phrase and somehow ending up on my blog.

Lovely phrases such as: "Britney Spears feet" (WTF?) or "Gangster Girl" (Holla!) or the even better "Hot Mexican Gangster Girls" (Wait - if I'm not Mexican then am I not hot either? Shoot. )  "I ain't reading that shit" (Ha! I don't even know why they are on the Internet then?) "1982 baby pics" (Weird.) and the best one of all "I don't mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want" (I was talking about Grammar, people!!)

These little phrases that are googled and then spits my blog out as an option are always worth a laugh.... thought I would share!!

You know what isn't funny though is that I killed a bird yesterday, a Hawaiian Red Crested Cardinal to be exact.

RIP. iSorry.

It was a Vehicular Homicide.... no it was Vehicular Manslaughter because I didn't mean to do it.  The little guy/gal just flew right into my car.

I called Z and cried.

I put it as my Facebook Status (because who doesn't like a little Avian Vehicular Manslaughter Update every now and then?) and got a few more comforting condolences - which I really did need. I am not a killer.  Remember?

And then my G-ma commented on my status (yes G-ma has a Facebook account, isn't she the cutest?) and asked if Z had buried it? lol! (yes she wrote lol, isn't she the cutest?) And it did make me laugh because the last time I had a Vehicular Manslaughter "Incident" I made Z bury the thing.

It was when we lived in Vermont - ahhhh.... Vermont and I had some run-ins with the animals. Remember?

So I was driving our bosses really nice Range Rover into town to get the oil changed or something super important like that. (Good thing I got that college education!)

Big Pimpin'

And the thing with a really nice car like this is that the suspension has like super ridiculous hydraulic whatchamacallits so when you drive over - say a pothole - you don't even feel it! Seriously - like when you go and sit in this thing it like hydraulically self-adjusts to your weight and shit. Crazy.

Anyways - so I am driving down our long ass dirt road to get on the highway to go into town and this little squirrel darts out in front of me. I scream and close my eyes but don't feel anything under the tires so I think he/she must have made it right? I proceed to drive into town and do whatever and then return home. I'm driving back up that dirt road and I see it squished on the road right when another car is driving towards me and then re-running it's little dead body over and 

I. Lose. My. Shit.

I run into the house and Z jumps up thinking I wrecked their $40,000+ car. When I catch my breath and explain what happens he gives me a hug and says he's sorry but it doesn't make me feel better. I feel like it shouldn't just be laying out on the road getting re-ran over and over and I ask him to go scrape it off the dirt and bury it.

And he does.

Best Husband of the Year 2004

Seriously.

He's the sweetest most sweetest.

Now maybe we should go back and find that little red bird........

This is How We Do It!

Oh Hi!

Remember me? Author of Pretty Little Word Vomit?

I KNOW! I know!


 I was slammed last month with work - we catered 5 events in 7 days and that shit is CRAZY amounts of work, yo. And we also had other events throughout the month.

I was tired. Too tired to do much of anything else. (Like writing.)

And when I work at nights I don't see Z at all except for when he is sleeping. (He was sick for like 3 weeks with a bad sinus infection/bronchitis and slept in the extra bedroom the whole time anyway b/c his coughing was so bad and I was tired and NEEDED sleep.) So I basically felt single the whole month of February. Not really - but no snuggling + tons of working + bad weather on the islands = tired and frustrated me.

And bad weather + weddings = moving shit around, wind knocking down chandeliers in outside tents, moving tables and chairs under lanais, setting up a 60 person wedding plus reception and then having the bride just say she didn't want to do it in windy weather and then us having to take it all down - WTF??

Our weddings we do would make Martha Stewart jizz herself. Seriously - she would be so proud!

Seriously. Martha. Jizzing.

That's our  work. Those are our pictures.

My really good friend L started working with us and after her first event she gets in my car and exclaims, "I thought you said this job was easy!" Ha! It's easy to pass out appetizers and 4 course meals - what isn't easy is the setup and take down!! I forget since I've been doing it for so long it's like auto pilot!

But it's seriously fun to put all the tables together and make them look P.I.M.P. People are always in a good mood because they're in Hawaii..... on vacation..... at a wedding...... with free booze and super yummy free food!

But it's a lot of work from those of us that put these fancy-pants, Martha Stewarty weddings/events together.

So there you have it - my reason for only writing 1 blog last month.

LAME.

Here's to a better writing month to me and you!

Fo Rizzles.

I Dream of B.S.

So one of my friend's just wrote on Facebook how she had this dream and a Britney Spears song was in it and how it was really fun.

This led me to remember that I had a dream about Britney Spears once myself.

No it wasn't like that, fellas.....sorry.

The bitch shot me....

PUT THE GUN DOWN, BRITNEY! AGHHHH!!!!

Wait - let me start from the beginning.....

So me and Britt Britt were cruising around the town I grew up in in Montana in her black Escalade. I don't know why we were there, why we were homies or why I knew it was a black Escalade - that's just the way dreams work. So anyways, we are cruising around and I'm thinking to myself, "Huh, this girl isn't as bat shit crazy as the media makes her out to be. I'm actually having a good time!"And then I remember sorta feeling sorry for her like we can all be misunderstood, you know?

And then it starts snowing really bad and then there is like 2 feet of snow on the ground and it's really dark out and I tell Miss Spears that maybe I should drive because it doesn't snow much in California. (Again, I don't know HOW my subconscious know that Britney Spears lives in sunny CA, but whatever.) So she kinda gets pissed and starts driving faster. The huge car starts doing 360s in the street and right in front of one of my best girlfriend's houses we slam into a car parked on the side of the road. I'm yelling at Britney like she's crazy (hahaha) and then I go to get out of the car like,

"F-this wack-a-doodle, I'm out!!! Deuces - crazy pants."

And then she totally SHOOTS ME! Right in the back. Like, I can feel the hot bullet burn into my back and the warm blood run down my skin. (Too much? Sorry.)

And I think,"Oh, my God! Britney Spears just fucking shot me!"

And then I woke up.

Seriously. WTF?!?!

I mean, you can't make this stuff up, people.

I thought I would consult an on-line dream dictionary. Let's see what they have to say.

I will look up a few key words. (All this is taken from thecuriousdreamer.com.)

Celebrity: Dreaming that you are talking to a celebrity or that you are friends with a celebrity can mean that your subconscious mind considers that person a friend because you "interact" with them often, or like to "interact" with them by watching them in the media. 

Um, not so much.

Snow:  The idea of covering up, blanketing, hiding or obscuring what lies beneath.

I write a blog about brazilian waxing, my weird mustache fetish and my weird ass dreams about B.Spears. Again, not so much.

Being Shot: or someone who wants to shoot you can represent feelings or fear of attack, persecution, judgment, or other hostility in your life.

A bullet wound—or having been shot already—can represent feeling victimized, wounded, or taken advantage of physically, emotionally, or mentally in your life.

Well, I can't name something in particular but hasn't every one felt this at one point or another?

 Well that was dumb.

 I probably just ate something weird or maybe I'm just crazy.

Let's be BFFs in real life, K??!!!!

Random Facts: A - Z

So I'm a fan/cyber-friend with Jive Turkey. She's under the "Blogs I'm Kinda In Love With" column over there. And she invited us all to do this A-Z thing. So I thought I would hop on board! Read hers here and you should read her all the time cause the gurl be all sortsa funny, yo.

A. Age:  31

B. Bed Size: I dream of a California King but sleep on a mere Hawaiian Queen. 

C.  Chore That You Hate:  I'm kinda anal so I kinda like to do chores because that means my house is clean! Yay! But I could do with a dishwasher - no dishwasher for 13 years bites my ass. Big Time.

D. Dogs: B-Dizzle!

Snaggletoofs.

E.  Essential Start To Your Day:  TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA

F.  Favorite Color:  Blue, no wait, hot pink, no green, no lime green, no mint green...wait - all colors??

G.  Gold or Silver: Both - I like to mix my golds and silvers together - I'm crazy like that.

H.  Height: 5'5"

I.  Instruments You Play:  I can play twinkle twinkle little star on the harmonica.  But would love to learn to play the steel guitar. My mom used to make me take piano lessons. My piano teacher's breath always smelled bad but she had the bomb assortment of scratch and sniff stickers which smelled great. That's kinda ironic now that I think about it.

J. Job Title: Children's Book Author/Social Media Coordinator/Caterer/Boss of Z & Boyfriend

K. Kids: Hell to the No. Er - I mean not yet! 

L.  Live: Hawaii

M.  Mother's Name: Roberta, but she hates it so don't ever call her that or she will beat your ass. 

N. Nickname: Moe -  way back in high school. My mom got me Miz Moe vanity plates for my first car. I was straight big pimpin' back in the day with those!

O. Overnight Hospital Stays: None. (Knock on wood.)

P.  Pet Peeves: People who constantly bitch on Facebook to get attention, slow tourist drivers, people who car-stalk you for your parking spot. 

Q.  Quote From A Movie:  "That's a pretty fucking good milkshake." - J.T. Pulp Fiction

R.  Right or Left Handed: Righty

S.  Siblings: Only child - my parents love me and only me. 

T.  (? There was no T Jive Turkey!) So let's pretend it said Toothpaste Brand:  Kiss My Face Whitening

U.  Underwear: G-String during the day and granny panties at night. I kid, they aren't granny panties - they're full coverage, okay?

V.  Vegetables You Hate:  I don't think I hate any vegetables. I'm not a fan of peas out of the can, I guess.

W.  What Makes You Run Late:  Slow driving tourists gawking at whales/surfers/windsurfers/kiteboarders/waves/hot chicks in little bikinis/hot surfer boys/etc.

X. X-rays: My teeth and an ecocardiogram. I haz a heart murmur.

Y.  Yummy Food That You Make:  Vegetable Frittata, Eggplant Parmesan, Toast

Z. Zoo Animal: Giraffes. Man, I LOVE me some giraffes.

Okay - your turn! And link it in the comment section so everyone can laugh at how crazy you are!

Playing Catchup!!

G-day!!
I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back in the swing of things but Z and I were with his parents for 3 weeks - well they were with us for 3 weeks - so we were busy being hosts and then took a fabulous little getaway to the island of Kauai for a week and man - it is so BEAUTIFUL there!!!

Black Hats = Big Pimpin'

But now we are home and trying to get back into the groove of sleeping in our own bed, not having to cook for 4 people and cleaning the house plus working, walking the dog, catching up with our friends and DVR'd episodes of Top Chef.

It's always so nice to be home!!

I wanted to share with you guys some of the Mustache Schwag I received for Christmas.

Holy Mustaches, Batman!

The book was actually just a gift from my fab next door neighbor friend but I wanted to showcase it none-the-less.  I mean, fingerstache tattoos?? Fucking genius. And mustache cookie cutters? Who doesn't want those?? (Thanks mom, you're the best!) And the clutch, ring, socks..... all too fun!!!

I do have to admit tho - I am worried that this mustache giving may turn into a little "G-Ma and the Clown Room" type thing....... and then one day my grandchild will be blogging about her Grandma and her crazy-ass mustache room..... hmmmmm........

Also, can we talk about how much I miss this face when we leave?

Black Noses = Big Pimpin'

Seriously. I hate leaving him behind ever time we go somewhere but it's not like we live on the mainland where you can just put him in a car and drive to where ever you are going. :(
But we are so lucky to have such great friends that are willing to housesit for us and love up on my Boyfriend when we are away!

In other news: I have decided to not drink for a whole month. Just a little detox from the Holidays. It's not like I get wasted but it's easy to have a glass of wine here, a beer there, happy hour drinks for a friend's birthday, shots because of the in-laws in your house for 3 weeks (just kidding...kinda) etc.  And then it quickly turns into an almost every day thing.

So no drinks for me! It's been a week and I have even lost a pound! Bonus!!

Although - I'm not sure it's that great for my blogging.

Word.

So don't worry - it's not going to be forever. I will TOTALLY keep drinking wine and coconut martinis for you guys!!

It's the least I can do!
;)

Lost Solez the 6th

Z and I are headed to Kauai for the next week with my in-laws that have been visiting from New Zealand.  It has been a whirlwind of family, friends, booze, ham and parties!

And now, one last Hurrah at their timeshare at Hanalei Bay and then back to reality.

I thought I would leave you with a little Lost Solez action until I get back and get serious with the blogging/writing/everything.

Did I mention Happy 2012!?! Big things are happening this year, guys, big things! (No - not babies, like bigger, universal things - take 'er easy!!)

P.S. I am not sure why most of these are small?  And I couldn't fix them without making the resolution all pixely. (Does that even make any sense? Probably not.  I'm talking out my ass BUT you probably knew what I meant because we are friends.)  I think the smallness is because they were emailed to me and not texted like most of my photos from you guys. And since I probably will not be putting my phone number on here, we will have to just do with the smallness..... unless you had to marry him.... okay, bad joke.

Where were we??

Brianne L.      Scottsdale, AZ

Kahului, HI         Holly J

La Perouse Bay, HI                      Krystal G W

Newport Beach, OR            Margo S

Wailea, Hi                                T-Dubya

**Bonus Picture

Wailuku, HI       Sam Howard