Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I Ain't Even Clownin'

Disclaimer: The following is not meant to put my Grandma's shit on blast all over the Internet BUT this is all true and we love her anyways.....

So, when I was growing up 110 miles away from my Grandma or G-ma as we so affectionately call her. I spent many, many a night at her house. And I LOVED my G-ma's house. Like, LOVED it. (And still do.) Loved the maple ice cream she always had at the ready, loved all her arts and crafts we did and even loved the way her bath towels were (and still are) so scratchy because she ALWAYS hangs her laundry out to dry, even in like -30 degree Montana weather.

I loved how she always cooked breakfast but hated making cookies. I loved how we would make popcorn out of her air-popper and watch The Golden Girls every night.

Here we are representin' the Love........ Stay Golden, ladies, Stay Golden.

Anyways, with all things glorious and awesome, there has to come a part that's not so awesome; that's well, quite frightening, actually.

That un-glorious and un-awesome thing was .............................. my G-Ma had a "Clown Room".

Yup, a WHOLE ENTIRE ROOM FILLED WITH CLOWNS. (Take a second and let that shit sink in your brain.)


There were clown bears and clown dolls. She had clown wallpaper and a clown bed spread. There were small clowns, big clowns, clown stain-glass thingys and clown pillows. There was clown Christmas ornaments and many, many clown figurines. Clown rugs and a Cabbage Patch Kid dressed like a clown. There were clowns swinging from the ceiling on wooden swings and clowns sitting on the floor on little wooden rocking chairs. There were even clown snow globes!!!

There was a whole series of pictures she had of this one hobo clown that was apparently dead and sitting on clouds in heaven with clown angles. But the clouds they were sitting on were really clown heads or some trippy shit.

Oh wait!!! Looky what happens when you Google "clowns sitting on clouds." She had this whole series!! There were like 20 of them!!!

I am NOT convinced my G-ma was not stoned when buying these pictures......just kiddin'....sorta.

I'm serious you guys. I know some of you who know me know that I can tend to be a bit dramatic and exaggerate but this is the Truth!! My cousins and family who read this can verify!!

But this is not even the worst part of the story! I know. You are thinking,"It gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds?"

Yes, it gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds.

We had to sleep in this room! As vulnerable little children! With no adults! Sometimes even all alone in The Clown Room!

So what looked liked this:

"Go to sleep, Little Miss, and we will play and laugh and
sing in the morning! Just shut those
eyes now and dream sweet gum drop dreams..."

Actually felt like this:
"I wouldn't close those eyes of yours, Little Girl, or I will eat
your face off and
kill your parents and friends and favorite teacher and mailman and poodle..."

Especially after watching this: Please click here - you know what is coming, don't you? Don't you?

I know my sweet little G-ma had this little gem of a room because it made her happy and she genuinly does not think clown are the least bit creepy. Wait Whaaaaa?

I realize now that once she told ONE person she kinda liked clowns they bought her a clown tchotchke (That's not a typo - that's like my favorite word of all time. Look it up.) for her birthday and one for Christmas and Mother's Day and then it got all crazy and she just put all of it in one room and then it became this huge thing that when "you didn't know what to get G-ma you got her another clown tchotchke."

So it just, sorta happened. She's not crazy. She's still one of my most favorite people in the whole world, which is why we never told G-ma that the room was wack-a-doodle and made us shit ourselves at night until she did a massive downsize and moved into a smaller place a couple of years ago.

Out went all the clown crap and in went a good night's sleep..... thank God.... who apparently sits on detached clown-head-clouds.... who knew?


  1. OMG, I am crying with laughter and the memory of the clown room! IT'S ALL TRUE...SHE IS NOT MAKING THIS UP! My ex-mother-in-law, whom I still love unconditionally, is ONE-OF-A-KIND and the clown room proves the point (but just one of them ;) Thanks Tia for a great laugh ~love you, Carla

  2. HAHAHAHAHA oh Tia, I have tears, this is hilarious and I love you and your G-ma! hahaha....but wait...does this mean that due to your public affection towards moustaches, that you will one day have a room full of them? hehe xx

  3. Love it. Thanks for the great laugh!!