Monday, April 25, 2011

Going Postal

I have come to the realization that there has to be some sort of shift in my life.  

I had this realization when I was driving to one of my five jobs last Friday after my talking-on-the-phone-while-in-the-car-cry-fest with Z.  

I have no time! I've only written one blog this whole month. And don't even think I've had a second to work on my second book! I feel too pulled in a million different directions and too tired since I've been waking up at 5:45 to work out for NO REASON/ NO RESULTS. I would KILL someone for a day off. Okay, not KILL but HIT IN THE FACE for sures. And I mean a whole day off from working-out, cleaning the house, washing dishes, walking the dog, cooking, showering etc.

I know this is life but this is not the life I want. Something's gotta give, man.

And I know this is the truth and not me just being a baby because I got this little gem from my mailman.

Okay, not the mustache card that is so cleverly hiding our address but this "Your Mailbox Needs Attention" bullshit. Have you ever seen anything like this before??  It's like when we used to get pink slips from teachers in grade school. You know the ones where you had to give the pink slip to your mom and she would sign them to show that she read them and then you had to bring it back to your teacher so that your teacher knew that your mom now knew that you had a big mouth and was talking during reading time? Yeah - it's kinda like that, but for grow-ups. And now I feel bad.

I just got pink-slipped by my mother f-ing mailman.  Geez. I'm sorry I couldn't add frickin' YARD WORK to my list of things there, sir.

Two things here:
1.  You spelled Bougainvillea wrong. Ugh. (enter eye-roll here)
2. Are you a doctor or a mailman because I can barely read your writing
I mean - give me a break Mr. Mailman. You are going to "Stop Delivery Service" "ASAP" if I don't trim the Bougainvillea right this very second. Wow, you're acting a tad bitchy/bossy for someone in public service, buddy.

So, of course, I get the pruning sheers out and trim the bush that supposedly "almost took out his eye".  What a drama queen. But the United States Postal Service is full of them, hence the whole term - going postal - you know?

So now I think my mail man must think we are some crack heads living in our crack head house with our crack head flower bushes. And he did have a little point because that hot-pink bush was getting outta hand, but DO NOT disrespect me with the USPS version of the pink slip, okay.

Wanna know why?

Neither, Sucka....

It looks like this!!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Guess Who's Back. Back. Back. Back Again.

I'm here! I'm here!

I will not rant about how FRICKING BUSY I have been and how it's kinda been fun because I'm working with my friends but geez-louise how the days just all blend into one another and how one of my goods friend's due date was on one of the BUSIEST week of my life and OMG she's going into labor and OMG she was in labor for like 38 hours or was it 46 never-mind it was LONG and then we were all waiting for the moment we could head up to the hospital and meet the newest lady of the group, meanwhile I'm on my 5th 10-hour-day in a row and am dreaming of my work so then it doesn't even feel like I left god I hate that shit and did I mention I'm Editor-in-Chief of this really cool magazine and it's HARD-ASS WORK and maybe we will be posting it online in hopes we will get paid to do it one day (instead of advertisers almost-not-really paying for the printing) and then baby Loli Rian is here I just want to stare at her and hold her and this has me pushing Z away because she is so perfect she might just make me cave and have a baby sometime soon and then how the hell would I have a baby and get EVERYTHING else done and OMG my house is a complete bachelor pad and we are drinking water out of coffee mugs because there is not a single clean glass and we are knee deep in dog hair and now I have 10 loads of laundry to do because Z just sold his first wooden surfboard he built and now all he can do/think/jack-off about is building more and yeah I said jack-off - calm down - and then I cleaned the house for like 9 hours and then finally got to eat some Ahi Sashmi and drink a glass of wine and then I felt all better.

Do we need some Snoop Dog to calm us all down?



This one is for a certain MT lady who is a loyal reader....
but I may have to doubt her and my cousin's sincerity because I do not believe they have
 TAKEN THE TIME TO BECOME ACTUAL FOLLOWERS....ahem, Butte Beauties.... Imma talkin' to you!

Wow - I feel so much better!

Enough of the ranting. Geez it even extended to photo-captions - I'm on a roll ladies and gentlemen....

But I am back and I am ready to unfold some glorious word-vomiting all over you just as soon as I lay on my couch for the remainder of this day......

Except my robe is white and I am way more tan than her and
I would never have a brown couch. Ewe.