Monday, December 27, 2010

Random Facts: Cuatro

I haven't done one of my Random Facts posts in a long time, wherein I tell useless Random Facts about myself for the sole purpose of nothing.

24. When I was younger, I used to purposely hold our wooden mixing spoons in the kool –aid pitcher hoping to turn the spoon red or purple. It never really worked all that well, they just came out these weird pastel looking colors.

25. My teeth are supremely close together. I had braces from the age of (what age is 7th grade again?) 12 to 16. That's 4 years years of orthodontic-hell! My teeths were all sortsa jacked-up.

Seriously, this guy didn't have shit on me.

But now they look like this.

Look at them pearly whites, playa!

My orthodontist was goooood. My freakin' teeth are so freakin' close together. (Even though I didn't wear that stupid-ass retainer as long as I should have – sorry mom and dad.) But because they are so close together it’s hard for me to floss. My dental assistant lady even has a hard time flossing my teeth when I get my teeth cleaned. And because of this, I don’t floss as often as I’m sure my dental assistant lady wants me to; but its hard to get that little bit of twine in between these chompers. Trust me.

26. I have not had a dishwasher in 10 years. Wait, let me rephrase that: I HAVE HAD TO HAND WASH EVERY FUCKING DISH FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS.

27. I do not use soap or any other washy things on my face. I use warm water and then use rose or lavander witch hazel afterwards. People are always asking me what I use on my skin – not harsh-ass chemicals, friend, not harsh-ass chemicals.

28. My most favorite car I ever owned was a 1982 baby blue Volvo. And I had her for most of my college years. She was the best and affectionately named "Vulva".

Here is a picture of my vulva.

29. You can fit 12 people, comfortably, in my vulva.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Christmas Mystery

"What is this?" You're silently thinking to yourself. "Two posts in one week?"

Yup - tis' the season after all you guys, so here's my Christmas present to you - another post! Just Kidding - but that's right - I've had 3 days off this week! Yay!

And the BEST thing happened to me yesterday. I went to check the mail and there was: 3 Christmas cards, 2 checks for my book and a MUSTACHE KEYCHAIN!! But - there was no note from the sender of this perfect little gift.

I asked most of my friends last night at a cookie-making shindig I attended but no one 'fessed up. And I, having just watched Sherlock Holmes the other night with Z, have dubbed this the "Mustache Mystery."

"I would say, Dear Watson, that we have a real mystery on our hands..."

Here are the facts:

1. The envelope the gift was sent in was addressed to the name I published my book under. No, I don't have a writing-alias nor I did I publish under a ghost-writer name. I chose to publish my book using my maiden name as my middle name because it's very unique, it was the name I grew up with and the name I went to Journalism School with and to be honest - this whole married name thing still weirds me out, even after 6 years with a different last name!
P.S. The reason I don't just type out my whole entire name to prove this point is because I would HATE to have someone google my name to buy my Children's Book and this blog pops up sprayin' swear words and lovin' up on Snopp Dogg, ya digg??
2. It was sent to me directly from the person who handmade this keychain from the greatest website ever: Remember when I blogged about it?
3. The maker of the mustache keychain is Canadian. (This doesn't really matter but 'tis a fun filled fact never-the-less.)
4. It looks fantastic on my keychain.

Here are my conclusions:

1. This person has either paid for a book with a check or maybe even paypal. Because how else would they know my address?
2. It would have had to have been sent from someone who reads my blog or knows me personally. How else would someone know of this fondness I have for the 'stashe?
3. He or she has impeccably good taste.
4. My plan for this blog is working: Free Gifts from adoring fans. Please allow me to give you a direct link to Type in the word mustache and buy and send them all to me.

Just kidding. But seriously.

"A Thousand Thank You's to the Mystery Mustache Sender!!"

You have made me so, so Happy!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

E = ZW's Mo

Wait.... what is this feeling that I'm feeling?

Oh, that's the feeling of getting shit done and having most of my life back in order.... I haven't felt this free in oh, about 4 solid months!

I'm a new woman, my friends. A New Woman!!!!

As for my husband.........

Let's re-read where he was last time.


Well now I'm leaning more towards this:

I mean brains & brilliance are sexy but do I want this man naked and on top of me?
Hell to the No.

This one? (Shrug) Sure.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Girl Scout's Honor.....

Okay, here's the thing.

I have been called out about not writing on this blog - but November was crazy-town, USA. I had my mom, my Grandma and my step-dad for a visit AND then after they left, 5 days later I had may dad and step-mom for a visit


they ALL stayed with Z and I - like in our house, in my car, in my space......

I'm not complaining - there is NOWHERE else I would want them to stay - but holy, mother F-ing crap-balls you guys, I have been exhausted!!

Plus I had 3, count 'em, 3 book signings..... holy, mother F-ing crap-balls you guys, I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!

Everyone keeps telling me how proud of myself I should be; I mean, I guess I am but I'm still me, you know?

I poop, eat way to much cheese, (is that an oxymoron?) drink a shit-ton o' wine, watch the Little Couple, feel insecure, forget to shave my legs for a week, hate combing my hair and my feet stink because my flip-flops are gnarly. I'm not very cool.

I mean, I'm still me.... just with a book out in all the Hawaiian Borders and Barnes and Nobels and Costcos and Walmarts and Targets, etc!!

Crazy-town, people. Crazy-town, USA.....

I guess when I was little and I would think how fabulous it would be to have book, any book, out for the world to read - I would FEEL different or be different. I mean, I'm fine with myself - I have a great husband and have seen a lot of the world. I have a great relationship with all four of my parents, have brilliant and amazing friends, own the world's BEST Jack Russell ever with the most dope name for a dog I have ever heard of, am working for some
great people with 2 companies I am very proud to be a part of , live on a tropical island.....

the point is.....

and not to get all weird up in this piece - but we are all just who we are, you know? (God, how very Jack Handy from SNL of me....)

True-Dat, J. Handy, True-Dat.

And ya'll know me - I'm a girl who could work out more but loves a cocktail, who has a weird thing for mustaches and Snoop Dogg. (C'mon you didn't think I wouldn't mention either of these two, did ya!?!)

I guess I'm "proud of myself" but I couldn't imagine not writing - it's just a part of me so it's just natural that this would happen....

I'm rambling and delirious.....

So even though I'm not writing on here as much as I should - rest assured I'm thinking about it!!!

My New Year's resolution is to write AT LEAST an hour a day - whether it be through this or my children's books or that memoir I need to start (Chelsea Handler ain't got shit on me......) I promise you will be sick of me and reading about me and figure out I'm not that cool by March or so!!

Girl Scout's Honor!

I couldn't resist.....