Friday, February 25, 2011

To Sir Elton with Love

What does one half of my voice + one teeny headache + two sore legs =


We went to see Sir Elton John last night and believe me when I tell you that man was put on this earth to be a performer!

No Shit.

He's on his "Greatest Hits Tour." So we knew all the words and there was plenty of beer and lots o' dancin'!!

The people behind us were not feelin' the dancin' so much and after they kept telling us to sit down I turned around and said to that party-pooper-fat-lady, "If you wanted to watch Elton John sitting down, then you should have rented his DVD."

Which promptly got me a high five from the man (With A CANE!!) dancing next to me (With A CANE!!)

Now, I normally am not one to snap at strangers (just at those I love dearly) but COME ON LADY!!!! IT'S TINY DANCER!!!


I will most certainly NOT be sitting down AND I will most certainly NOT be using my "inside voice."

After the song ended, I felt bad about my quick tongue and thought maybe she's too big to stand up for extended periods of time (which isn't my fault, it's probably Krispy Kreme's fault) BUT I made the decision to move to the sides where my fellow dancers were accruing.

This move attracted "instant karma" because as we were walking/singing/sloshing our beers to our new spot we saw this man who has a crush on my husband (yes, you read that right!) and he works at this concert venue and he gave us 2 tickets in the 10th row!

So we went from General Seating with bleachers and grass to actual chairs and you could see E.J. really good. It was then I noticed his purple jacket with the sequined mermaid on the back. Pure Awesomness.

The crowd was a bit lame-o there too, so we went back to the dancing area until "Crocoldile Rock" and then we could see everyone up and at 'em in the 10th row so we ran back to those seats and danced close to Elton for the remaining time.

It was fantastic.

Kinda like this dope-ass coffee cup my friend bought me
which I drank my beer from throughout the night.

Elton and I are classy like that.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I Ain't Even Clownin'

Disclaimer: The following is not meant to put my Grandma's shit on blast all over the Internet BUT this is all true and we love her anyways.....

So, when I was growing up 110 miles away from my Grandma or G-ma as we so affectionately call her. I spent many, many a night at her house. And I LOVED my G-ma's house. Like, LOVED it. (And still do.) Loved the maple ice cream she always had at the ready, loved all her arts and crafts we did and even loved the way her bath towels were (and still are) so scratchy because she ALWAYS hangs her laundry out to dry, even in like -30 degree Montana weather.

I loved how she always cooked breakfast but hated making cookies. I loved how we would make popcorn out of her air-popper and watch The Golden Girls every night.

Here we are representin' the Love........ Stay Golden, ladies, Stay Golden.

Anyways, with all things glorious and awesome, there has to come a part that's not so awesome; that's well, quite frightening, actually.

That un-glorious and un-awesome thing was .............................. my G-Ma had a "Clown Room".

Yup, a WHOLE ENTIRE ROOM FILLED WITH CLOWNS. (Take a second and let that shit sink in your brain.)


There were clown bears and clown dolls. She had clown wallpaper and a clown bed spread. There were small clowns, big clowns, clown stain-glass thingys and clown pillows. There was clown Christmas ornaments and many, many clown figurines. Clown rugs and a Cabbage Patch Kid dressed like a clown. There were clowns swinging from the ceiling on wooden swings and clowns sitting on the floor on little wooden rocking chairs. There were even clown snow globes!!!

There was a whole series of pictures she had of this one hobo clown that was apparently dead and sitting on clouds in heaven with clown angles. But the clouds they were sitting on were really clown heads or some trippy shit.

Oh wait!!! Looky what happens when you Google "clowns sitting on clouds." She had this whole series!! There were like 20 of them!!!

I am NOT convinced my G-ma was not stoned when buying these pictures......just kiddin'....sorta.

I'm serious you guys. I know some of you who know me know that I can tend to be a bit dramatic and exaggerate but this is the Truth!! My cousins and family who read this can verify!!

But this is not even the worst part of the story! I know. You are thinking,"It gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds?"

Yes, it gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds.

We had to sleep in this room! As vulnerable little children! With no adults! Sometimes even all alone in The Clown Room!

So what looked liked this:

"Go to sleep, Little Miss, and we will play and laugh and
sing in the morning! Just shut those
eyes now and dream sweet gum drop dreams..."

Actually felt like this:
"I wouldn't close those eyes of yours, Little Girl, or I will eat
your face off and
kill your parents and friends and favorite teacher and mailman and poodle..."

Especially after watching this: Please click here - you know what is coming, don't you? Don't you?

I know my sweet little G-ma had this little gem of a room because it made her happy and she genuinly does not think clown are the least bit creepy. Wait Whaaaaa?

I realize now that once she told ONE person she kinda liked clowns they bought her a clown tchotchke (That's not a typo - that's like my favorite word of all time. Look it up.) for her birthday and one for Christmas and Mother's Day and then it got all crazy and she just put all of it in one room and then it became this huge thing that when "you didn't know what to get G-ma you got her another clown tchotchke."

So it just, sorta happened. She's not crazy. She's still one of my most favorite people in the whole world, which is why we never told G-ma that the room was wack-a-doodle and made us shit ourselves at night until she did a massive downsize and moved into a smaller place a couple of years ago.

Out went all the clown crap and in went a good night's sleep..... thank God.... who apparently sits on detached clown-head-clouds.... who knew?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Snot is Hot

Sorry for the lull in blogging.

Here's the haps on the craps.

Z will be sleeping in a volcano for the next two nights... seriously...... how cool it that? He will be hiking into a dormant volcano with 10 of our other friends and looking at really cool things like......ancient, dormant volcano-y things and really great sunrise views while I stay at home with this view.

Look at all the puffy clouds and the orange sun!
Oh wait - those are snotty tissues and a Ricola Honey Cough Drop.......pretty.

Pretty Lame.

My friend was sick last week and I exclaimed, "Oh that sucks. I don't think I've been sick since I moved here."


A 5-year-in-the-making sinus in-fuck-tion.


To be honest, I wasn't planning on going on the volcano hike-a-thon. Hiking 24 miles just doesn't sound like a fun time to me. Plus I'm really, really, really scared of heights and when you hike into something, one must hike out of said something. Me no likey.

What I was going to likey was:

* Having the house to myself for 3 days and 2 nights!!
*Eating what I wanted to eat.
*Watching non-dumb-boy movies
*Cleaning up after my own messes!!
*Going to a girls dinner tonight (which I plan on going to, snotty nose and all, I don't think I'm contagious 4 days in....)
*Perhaps a doggie date/sleepover with Boyfriend's Girlfriend and her owner. She lives on the other side of the island and we thought it would be super fun to have a pizza and wine night and maybe let Boyfriend get to third base with his woman; under our adult supervision, of course.

I thought of how I had a whole day off and I could just lounge around on the couch - but I didn't mean because I was sick!!
Now I'm on Day 2 of having to take off work and miserably laying on this couch.

Be Careful What You Wish For.