Monday, March 12, 2012

GIrl Scout Dropout

So apparently it's the 100th Anniversary for the Girl Scouts of America this month.

And you know who was a Girl Scout?

Reese Witherspoon, Katie Couric, Dolly Parton, our old pal Martha Stewart, Taylor Swift

She has a flat stomach and all those badges? Betch!

Dakota Fanning.
She has more movies than badges - fair enough.

Yours Truly!


Seriously! Look at that 4th grade photo - rocking the G.S. outfit and accessories like a bad-bang, dimple-sporting, cookie-selling bad-ass!!

Truth be told. I hated Girl Scouts. I was only in it because my BFF C.Z. was in it AND Girl Scouts is a cheap babysitter. (Thanks, mom!)

Besides me and C.Z. all the other girls were kinda nerdy.  (I'm sorry if one of you is reading this but it was 1988 - we are kinda nerdy.) But I remember watching them like,"WTF am I doing here? I hate these outfits, I hate saying the dumb Girl Scout honor with my hand all up in the air, I hate arts and crafts, I hate cooking.  I remember trying to like it and have an "open-mind" because my mom wanted me to but I'm not sure I tried very hard.

I think the only badges I had were sports badges. They weren't even sewn onto my G.S. vest - we taped them on for ceremonies! I'm not even kidding! Do you see any badges on my vest in that picture? Nope, but if you look really close you might see some double sided tape residue!

My mom worked 7 days a week! She did not have time to sew stupid badges on my stupid vest. And I never earned my sewing badge so......... that was that.

I'm sure my G-ma could have sewed some on but like I said, I never really gave a shit.

And when it came time for cookie selling, my mom just took that ordering sheet to all her jobs and BAM! Cookie -Selling Badge! Never to make it on the vest either!

Mmmmmmm...... Girl Scout Cookies.......

Samoas = My favorite! 

Not to be confused with a Samoan......

I'll take either one, thanks!!
I LOVE me some Girl Scout Cookies!! I haven't purchased any this year which is going swimmingly with my plan to lose a few pounds!

I'm not knocking the Girl Scouts and all their 3.2 million members. I am sure they teach real values and cooking and whatever.

I was just never a real big fan.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Avain Vehicular Manslaughter

So I was thinking a little bit about this little blog and decided to check out my little "stats" that Blogspot provides for us so we can see how many people have come to this page, from where, googling whatever random shit people google and they land on PLWV and from what country readers are from and so on and so on.

So far I've had 13,550+ hits. These hits are not to be confused with people actually reading my writing - more like googling a phrase and somehow ending up on my blog.

Lovely phrases such as: "Britney Spears feet" (WTF?) or "Gangster Girl" (Holla!) or the even better "Hot Mexican Gangster Girls" (Wait - if I'm not Mexican then am I not hot either? Shoot. )  "I ain't reading that shit" (Ha! I don't even know why they are on the Internet then?) "1982 baby pics" (Weird.) and the best one of all "I don't mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want" (I was talking about Grammar, people!!)

These little phrases that are googled and then spits my blog out as an option are always worth a laugh.... thought I would share!!

You know what isn't funny though is that I killed a bird yesterday, a Hawaiian Red Crested Cardinal to be exact.

RIP. iSorry.

It was a Vehicular Homicide.... no it was Vehicular Manslaughter because I didn't mean to do it.  The little guy/gal just flew right into my car.

I called Z and cried.

I put it as my Facebook Status (because who doesn't like a little Avian Vehicular Manslaughter Update every now and then?) and got a few more comforting condolences - which I really did need. I am not a killer.  Remember?

And then my G-ma commented on my status (yes G-ma has a Facebook account, isn't she the cutest?) and asked if Z had buried it? lol! (yes she wrote lol, isn't she the cutest?) And it did make me laugh because the last time I had a Vehicular Manslaughter "Incident" I made Z bury the thing.

It was when we lived in Vermont - ahhhh.... Vermont and I had some run-ins with the animals. Remember?

So I was driving our bosses really nice Range Rover into town to get the oil changed or something super important like that. (Good thing I got that college education!)

Big Pimpin'

And the thing with a really nice car like this is that the suspension has like super ridiculous hydraulic whatchamacallits so when you drive over - say a pothole - you don't even feel it! Seriously - like when you go and sit in this thing it like hydraulically self-adjusts to your weight and shit. Crazy.

Anyways - so I am driving down our long ass dirt road to get on the highway to go into town and this little squirrel darts out in front of me. I scream and close my eyes but don't feel anything under the tires so I think he/she must have made it right? I proceed to drive into town and do whatever and then return home. I'm driving back up that dirt road and I see it squished on the road right when another car is driving towards me and then re-running it's little dead body over and 

I. Lose. My. Shit.

I run into the house and Z jumps up thinking I wrecked their $40,000+ car. When I catch my breath and explain what happens he gives me a hug and says he's sorry but it doesn't make me feel better. I feel like it shouldn't just be laying out on the road getting re-ran over and over and I ask him to go scrape it off the dirt and bury it.

And he does.

Best Husband of the Year 2004


He's the sweetest most sweetest.

Now maybe we should go back and find that little red bird........

Sunday, March 4, 2012

This is How We Do It!

Oh Hi!

Remember me? Author of Pretty Little Word Vomit?

I KNOW! I know!

 I was slammed last month with work - we catered 5 events in 7 days and that shit is CRAZY amounts of work, yo. And we also had other events throughout the month.

I was tired. Too tired to do much of anything else. (Like writing.)

And when I work at nights I don't see Z at all except for when he is sleeping. (He was sick for like 3 weeks with a bad sinus infection/bronchitis and slept in the extra bedroom the whole time anyway b/c his coughing was so bad and I was tired and NEEDED sleep.) So I basically felt single the whole month of February. Not really - but no snuggling + tons of working + bad weather on the islands = tired and frustrated me.

And bad weather + weddings = moving shit around, wind knocking down chandeliers in outside tents, moving tables and chairs under lanais, setting up a 60 person wedding plus reception and then having the bride just say she didn't want to do it in windy weather and then us having to take it all down - WTF??

Our weddings we do would make Martha Stewart jizz herself. Seriously - she would be so proud!

Seriously. Martha. Jizzing.

That's our  work. Those are our pictures.

My really good friend L started working with us and after her first event she gets in my car and exclaims, "I thought you said this job was easy!" Ha! It's easy to pass out appetizers and 4 course meals - what isn't easy is the setup and take down!! I forget since I've been doing it for so long it's like auto pilot!

But it's seriously fun to put all the tables together and make them look P.I.M.P. People are always in a good mood because they're in Hawaii..... on vacation..... at a wedding...... with free booze and super yummy free food!

But it's a lot of work from those of us that put these fancy-pants, Martha Stewarty weddings/events together.

So there you have it - my reason for only writing 1 blog last month.


Here's to a better writing month to me and you!

Fo Rizzles.