Friday, August 27, 2010

Tick. Tick. Tick. Do I hear my biological clock? Someone grab me a hammer.

So I have been thinking, a lot, lately about Z and I having a kid.

Mom and friends, please pick your mouths up off the floor.

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who am I? What is this woman who has held 3, count em' 3, babies in her whole life even thinking??

I don't know what the fuck is happening to me? I mean, I just said, well typed, the word fuck.

People with potty mouths should probably not procreate. (Wow say that sentence 10 times fast.) I totally know I will have that child that tells all the other children swear words in pre-school. "My mommy says Fuck."


But seriously, after more than a halfa bottle of wine with my friend Tuesday night, I woke up my sleeping husband. (More than halfa bottle of wine and disturbing someone's peaceful slumber? Zero mommy points for me.) And proceeded to tell him that we needed to talk about having babies. Like, RIGHT NOW!

He thought I meant, I wanted to "Have Babies" like that was secret code word for me wanting to do it.

Ewe. Whaaaaaaa?????

As if I would ever describe sex as "Have Babies" - that is so gross and 19 kids and Counting - ish.

So, I quickly burst that bubble and told him we've never really talked about having kids.

I mean, we both know we want children, at some point, and we have been married almost 5 years and I just turned 30 and he's turning 31 and I've been reading other people's blogs about their kids and seeing fun family pictures and on my trip back to Montana I hung out with some pretty rad kids and precious babies and baby cloths and baby rooms are so cute and 4 year olds say the coolest things and I wrote a children's book for god's sake and and and ...... but but but

But I need to lose 10 pounds before I get knocked up because I don't want to have to lose 10 extra pounds ON TOP of baby weight and what's that whole bullshit thing they say about NOT DRINKING for 9 months and wait, can I eat sushi and raw tuna - NO? Well I don't eat meat - what the hell am I going to eat for 9 months then? And you all know that every time I throw-up I cry and call my mom - I'm sure she'll love those fun-filled first-trimester phone calls. And why do I have to be the pregnant and the hormonal one?


Gee - that seems really fair.

And I know me. And some of you know me.

How happy do you think I will be all fat with water-retained cankels all the while not being able to sleep at night because I can't sleep on my back and it's hot in the house and all I want is this weird little being that's making me have to pee 50 times a day out of my body and Z cracks open a cold beer.

Oh, hell no.

The left hand would be for Z and the right hand would be for all the non-prego beer drinkers in the world! (Well, and for the prego beer drinkers as well.)

It's all very scary to me.

And of course because I can be completely ego-centric. I will think I am thee only pregnant person in the whole entire world, nay, the only person to ever be pregnant, like ever, in the history of mankind. And that NO ONE could possibly know how I was feeling and Holy Shit how f'ing bad do these f'ing contractions hurt????

Then I will say really, really mean things to Z and blame him for knocking me up in the first place and then I will be the biggest sissy ever and change my mind about the whole "giving birth" scenario and then I will probably end up having a C-section and then that will shoot my "birthing plan" straight to hell and because I can be a complete control freak, this will make me spiral out of control until the hospital staff kicks me out and I have to have my baby on the sidewalk in front of the hospital where all the smokers are and then they will blow their second hand smoke into my newly born son or daughter's face. And then I will kill them and then Z will be stuck raising this kid all alone.

Forget it.

I just changed my mind about the whole baby thing.

Whew - mama needs a big ole' glass of wine.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Reality TV Bites

So before I get into my month-long love affair I just had with my beloved Montana; I have to talk about the tid-bits of time I got to just sit and watch some TV.

Now this is kinda a big deal because I don't often just sit and watch TV at my own house because there are a kajillion other things that need to be done.

Not to mention I had an epiphany around this time last year and sold our huge ass flat screen exclaiming, "No one who makes any difference in the world
sits around and watches TV!!" My husband went along with my episode (pun intended) and just watched as his TV got hauled away.

*Side Note: I realize he is kinda awesome and also a catch and a keeper (and apparently a rainbow trout)...... but he's from New Zealand so it wasn't like he was watching football on the damn thing with his buddies while they stuck their hands down their pants and burped the alphabet.

I digress.

We didn't have TV for a solid 9 months until I cracked my shit (again) and wanted to watch movies on something other than this computer that's in our little computer room while sitting on this uncomfortable computer chair, which to be honest is just a normal kitchen table chair. So I got on Craigslist and found a huge old TV for $20 bucks.

But again, I digress.

While on vacation I got an hour or two of down time and watched some "Reality TV."

Like this little gem. 19 Kids and Counting.

As an only child, this shit is scary yo'.

About the life and fun times of the Dugger family that have 19 kids (and apparently still counting.....which means like MORE??) and then some of those kids have kids.......... yikes!! They are religious (obviously) so the girls have to wear dresses (Cause the Bible says that???) don't cut their hair (Cause the Bible says that?) And apparently mama and papa have no concept of contraception.

Don't get me wrong I could not care-less about what people wear or what they choose to believe. You wanna wear ice skates and a clown nose to school? By all means. You wanna think that JC will not like you because you done wore a pair of $150 dolla jeans that made your ass look fabulous? That's your gig.

But let's get a grip people.

The dad, I think his name is Jim-Bob (Yeah you read that right.) needs to take a fucking cold shower and stop making an honest woman out of his wife. Seriously. She has born 19 kids!!! If she doesn't stop with the calving she's going to have to straight pick her uterus up off the ground and push it back in threw her vajayjay (Yeah you read that right.) And his wife, I mean it's your body sister but the words I think you should start to use a lot more are "no" and "headache".

And what about the mind-numbing Jersey Shore??

Hell to the NO!!!

I'm sorry MTV but ARE YOU SERIOUS?????? That show made me want to adjust the color on my TV screen from all the bad fake tanning and those people are so stupid they made me puke in my mouth a little. What bullshit show is this??

Dear MTV & Dugger Family,

Stop. Please just stop.


P.S. Fist Pumps for Jesus.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I'm Back!!

I have to start out by saying that I thought about this blog a lot while on my Montana Adventure. I missed you. And we have much to catch up on.......

But, I have been back home for almost a week now and there have been some BIG THINGS happening and it's all been such a blur since I got back on the island and I just need a second to catch my breath but there are things to be done and my life to get in order and yoga classes to attend and bills to pay and weight to be lost and friends to catch up with and a house to be cleaned and husbands and Boyfriends to be loved and and and and


This is what happens when you go away from your "real life" for a month.

But it was all so so so worth it.

Updates and Pictures of my awesome vacay coming soon because I just wanted to show you this first!

Oh, I'm sorry, you asked what I do? I write these, suckas!!!!!

Yup. That's right. That's the book I wrote. In my hands.

It's just gorgeous and colorful and fabulous and pretty much the best children's book that there ever was. It even smells really good; like a real book!!!

I'm serious. Even Mother Goose ain't got nothin' on this baby. Okay - that's a bit of a stretch but seriously it's pretty dang near that great.

The illustrations are just brilliant. And it must be the writer (aka. NOT artistic in any way, shape, or form!) in me because every time I look at it I think about how my job was a piece of cake compared to the work that the illustrator did......... AMAZING!!

Can't wait to get it out to all my family and friends and the public - soon!!!