Monday, December 27, 2010

Random Facts: Cuatro

I haven't done one of my Random Facts posts in a long time, wherein I tell useless Random Facts about myself for the sole purpose of nothing.


24. When I was younger, I used to purposely hold our wooden mixing spoons in the kool –aid pitcher hoping to turn the spoon red or purple. It never really worked all that well, they just came out these weird pastel looking colors.

25. My teeth are supremely close together. I had braces from the age of (what age is 7th grade again?) 12 to 16. That's 4 years years of orthodontic-hell! My teeths were all sortsa jacked-up.

Seriously, this guy didn't have shit on me.


But now they look like this.


Look at them pearly whites, playa!


My orthodontist was goooood. My freakin' teeth are so freakin' close together. (Even though I didn't wear that stupid-ass retainer as long as I should have – sorry mom and dad.) But because they are so close together it’s hard for me to floss. My dental assistant lady even has a hard time flossing my teeth when I get my teeth cleaned. And because of this, I don’t floss as often as I’m sure my dental assistant lady wants me to; but its hard to get that little bit of twine in between these chompers. Trust me.

26. I have not had a dishwasher in 10 years. Wait, let me rephrase that: I HAVE HAD TO HAND WASH EVERY FUCKING DISH FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS.

27. I do not use soap or any other washy things on my face. I use warm water and then use rose or lavander witch hazel afterwards. People are always asking me what I use on my skin – not harsh-ass chemicals, friend, not harsh-ass chemicals.

28. My most favorite car I ever owned was a 1982 baby blue Volvo. And I had her for most of my college years. She was the best and affectionately named "Vulva".


Here is a picture of my vulva.

29. You can fit 12 people, comfortably, in my vulva.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Christmas Mystery


"What is this?" You're silently thinking to yourself. "Two posts in one week?"

Yup - tis' the season after all you guys, so here's my Christmas present to you - another post! Just Kidding - but that's right - I've had 3 days off this week! Yay!

And the BEST thing happened to me yesterday. I went to check the mail and there was: 3 Christmas cards, 2 checks for my book and a MUSTACHE KEYCHAIN!! But - there was no note from the sender of this perfect little gift.

I asked most of my friends last night at a cookie-making shindig I attended but no one 'fessed up. And I, having just watched Sherlock Holmes the other night with Z, have dubbed this the "Mustache Mystery."

"I would say, Dear Watson, that we have a real mystery on our hands..."

Here are the facts:

1. The envelope the gift was sent in was addressed to the name I published my book under. No, I don't have a writing-alias nor I did I publish under a ghost-writer name. I chose to publish my book using my maiden name as my middle name because it's very unique, it was the name I grew up with and the name I went to Journalism School with and to be honest - this whole married name thing still weirds me out, even after 6 years with a different last name!
P.S. The reason I don't just type out my whole entire name to prove this point is because I would HATE to have someone google my name to buy my Children's Book and this blog pops up sprayin' swear words and lovin' up on Snopp Dogg, ya digg??
2. It was sent to me directly from the person who handmade this keychain from the greatest website ever: Etsy.com. Remember when I blogged about it?
3. The maker of the mustache keychain is Canadian. (This doesn't really matter but 'tis a fun filled fact never-the-less.)
4. It looks fantastic on my keychain.

Here are my conclusions:

1. This person has either paid for a book with a check or maybe even paypal. Because how else would they know my address?
2. It would have had to have been sent from someone who reads my blog or knows me personally. How else would someone know of this fondness I have for the 'stashe?
3. He or she has impeccably good taste.
4. My plan for this blog is working: Free Gifts from adoring fans. Please allow me to give you a direct link to Etsy.com. Type in the word mustache and buy and send them all to me.

Just kidding. But seriously.

"A Thousand Thank You's to the Mystery Mustache Sender!!"

You have made me so, so Happy!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

E = ZW's Mo



Wait.... what is this feeling that I'm feeling?

Oh, that's the feeling of getting shit done and having most of my life back in order.... I haven't felt this free in oh, about 4 solid months!

I'm a new woman, my friends. A New Woman!!!!

As for my husband.........

Let's re-read where he was last time.

Right.

Well now I'm leaning more towards this:



I mean brains & brilliance are sexy but do I want this man naked and on top of me?
Hell to the No.






This one? (Shrug) Sure.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Girl Scout's Honor.....



Okay, here's the thing.

I have been called out about not writing on this blog - but November was crazy-town, USA. I had my mom, my Grandma and my step-dad for a visit AND then after they left, 5 days later I had may dad and step-mom for a visit

AND

they ALL stayed with Z and I - like in our house, in my car, in my space......

I'm not complaining - there is NOWHERE else I would want them to stay - but holy, mother F-ing crap-balls you guys, I have been exhausted!!

Plus I had 3, count 'em, 3 book signings..... holy, mother F-ing crap-balls you guys, I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!

Everyone keeps telling me how proud of myself I should be; I mean, I guess I am but I'm still me, you know?

I poop, eat way to much cheese, (is that an oxymoron?) drink a shit-ton o' wine, watch the Little Couple, feel insecure, forget to shave my legs for a week, hate combing my hair and my feet stink because my flip-flops are gnarly. I'm not very cool.

I mean, I'm still me.... just with a book out in all the Hawaiian Borders and Barnes and Nobels and Costcos and Walmarts and Targets, etc!!

Crazy-town, people. Crazy-town, USA.....

I guess when I was little and I would think how fabulous it would be to have book, any book, out for the world to read - I would FEEL different or be different. I mean, I'm fine with myself - I have a great husband and have seen a lot of the world. I have a great relationship with all four of my parents, have brilliant and amazing friends, own the world's BEST Jack Russell ever with the most dope name for a dog I have ever heard of, am working for some
great people with 2 companies I am very proud to be a part of , live on a tropical island.....

the point is.....

and not to get all weird up in this piece - but we are all just who we are, you know? (God, how very Jack Handy from SNL of me....)

True-Dat, J. Handy, True-Dat.

And ya'll know me - I'm a girl who could work out more but loves a cocktail, who has a weird thing for mustaches and Snoop Dogg. (C'mon you didn't think I wouldn't mention either of these two, did ya!?!)

I guess I'm "proud of myself" but I couldn't imagine not writing - it's just a part of me so it's just natural that this would happen....

I'm rambling and delirious.....

So even though I'm not writing on here as much as I should - rest assured I'm thinking about it!!!

My New Year's resolution is to write AT LEAST an hour a day - whether it be through this or my children's books or that memoir I need to start (Chelsea Handler ain't got shit on me......) I promise you will be sick of me and reading about me and figure out I'm not that cool by March or so!!

Girl Scout's Honor!


I couldn't resist.....


Friday, November 26, 2010

My two favorite "S's"......



Two quick things you guys, revelations, really........


1. Snoop Mother-f-ing Dogg will be in Great Mother-f-ing Falls, Montana on Jan 23rd. The place where I grew up. It's not a cool place, or a big place. But it's home and Snoop will be there. So this is huge. HUGE!! I really want to go, because
A. Do I even need to Re-Mention the whole entire BLOG about "Snoopy Dog Dog"??? If you read that one you know I am OWED this much in my life. Fo' Shizzle.
B. I am such a G (please see 4th picture down) so I NEED to be at this concert. Duh.
C. Maybe to see winter again; just to be reminded how great it is to live in tropical weather?
AND

2. I know a lot of people don't get the "all things mustache" obsession that I have. And not that I am into explaining my idiosyncrasies/ awesomeness to these said people; but I think the issue has some deep meaning...


My DAD and I on Thanksgiving.

Yup - my dad rocking the stash. In fact, I have never seen my Dad without some sort of facial hair. This just dawned on me for the first time in my 30 years. (That and his initials are J.A.M. which for some reason is fucking hilarious to me. I am now only calling him by this....JAM, pass me the butter....hahaha!!)



Thursday, November 18, 2010

Life in Pictures



Um, wait whaaaaaa???? I have not posted since OCTOBER 30th? I mean I know I was slacking on the blog-front but come on! I suck. And I'm still that busy.... but aren't we all? I guess I just suck then.

Okay, so they say pictures are worth a thousand words? Well that's super good since I don't have the time to type out those thousand words!! So let me fill you in on the happenings of things.....

*Please ignore the underlining on some of the captions - I didn't have time to figure our how to undo it? WTF??


Boyfriend has a Girlfriend! (Her name is Sadie and she's the bee's knees!!)

I think it's true love!

Guess who had the best pumpkin - 'Mo Love. 'Mo Love.

The hottest chola around. (I'm sorry if anyone who reads this is an actual Mexican Gangsta Girl but I got nothin' but ReSpEcT for a woman who can pull off the flannel-look year around and rocks lip liner with no lipstick. ReSpEcT.)

My husband doesn't like boys, I promise.

My family came for a visit. This is the best shot of my mom and G-ma and me EVER! (I'm thinkin' Christmas Card material.)

Book Signing Day with my illustrator and her cute little one eyeing the free cookies we used as bait!

The Big Reveal - I think the kiddies were more interested in their smoothies than the actual book. Ya win some, ya lose some!

The most cutest book duo ever - watch out J.K. Rowling we're coming to get cha!!!


Saturday, October 30, 2010

Is it a Busy Bee? or a Busy Beaver? I'm both, then.




Oh, Hi!

Remember me??

Seriously guys, I don't mean to bitch right off the bat but I have been soooooo mother lovin' busy this month.

Proof!

Do you see the whole 3 days I didn't have anything going on/working? Those were clean the house/grocery shopping/wash laundry days. How the hell do people do this with KIDS??? I'm starting to warm up to the idea of plural marriages. I could use a "sister-wife" or two. Maybe those women are on to something......hmmmm........

I am delirious & tired.

But I am happy.

Here is what has been going on around here (In Bulleted-Form.)

  • Z's still sporting the stash; in fact, he has now taken to twisting up the sides and we are going to buy him some mustache wax - it's just never ending fun with the facial hair.
  • I catered the best, most romantic wedding ever! (And this is a big statement because I have seen A LOT of weddings.) The love was so fierce between the two that it was palpable. You could feel their love like a cozy sweater. There was not a dry-eye in the house. The families were awesome, the speeches were heartfelt and beautiful - even our male bartender was crying during their first dance. And the marriage was between two women. Anyone who thinks that gay marriage is a problem should have been at this wedding - they would have eaten their judgey/assholey opinions right down with the bride and bride wedding cake.
  • My mom and step-dad and my G-ma are going to be visiting next Thursday! I can't wait!! They haven't seen their hairy little grandchild/great-grandchild since he was 6 mos. old - plus he is wayyyyyy better behaved now that the puppy stage is over!
  • The reason for the visit is because I HAVE MY FIRST-EVER BOOK SIGNING AT BORDERS IN 1 WEEK!!!
  • And I get to meet my illustrator in person! (Like how I call her MY illustrator like I own her soul now. That is such an only child statement - geez Louise.) Anyways, I don't own Holly but we are friends, I like her a lot. The funny thing is we are only blog and facebook friends so I can't wait to meet her in person!
  • I am going to wear the perfect necklace at the book signing: it's a vintage piece my mom secretly bought for me after I fell in love with it while visiting MT this summer. It's a really cool bird and it's wings and tail move when you walk. It's big and I love it.
My necklace is bigger than your necklace.

So that's about it. You know, book signings and mustaches - the usual. I probably won't have time to write again for the next coupla weeks - but will take lots a pictures and if you're on island you can come check us out.

Saturday, Nov. 6 Noon - 1 pm at Borders at Queen Ka'ahumanu Mall and then from
2 - 3 pm at Borders by Pier 1 and Old Navy.

Holly will be reading our book to the little kiddies at the later one. So bring the little ones and bring your wallet. Just kidding - but seriously come and say hey if you can!!









Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Paybacks are a Bee-yatch!!





Oh, Paybacks.

What was the last quote from my Snoop Dogg blog, again?

Right.

"Paybacks are a motha fuckin' bitch. Ya better aks somebody."



Well said, gangsta. Well. said.


So as paybacks for my husband (STILL) sporting the stache, I got him this birthday card.

Um, Chicken's Butt?

PSYCH!!!


Hahahahaha!!!! Take that molestache!! (And yes, Z, shat himself for half-a-second.)

Well played, gangsta. Well. played.

* For the record or for those who can't see well or can't read cursive. I am NOT pregnant. Repeat: I am NOT pregnant.

Monday, October 11, 2010

WTF? Molestache in the hizzie!!




Holy Shite! I have been working like a mother f-er. These past days I haven't seen my husband. (And only a little of my Boyfriend.) When I get home from work, Z is sleeping and when Z gets up, I am sleeping.

It sucks, but it's super good. Making some cash for when my parents come out next month!
When it rains, it pours, no?

BUT. BUT. BUT.

When left unattended for too long; THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!!! (After I got home at 1:30 in the morning, after a hell-asious catering gig.)

"Oh, hi babe! I know how much you love a good mustache - so I did this for you......"


Hell to the NOOOOOOO!!!!!!


My husband's lookin' kinda like a perv. But, on the other hand - it's HILARIOUS!!!

Reminds me of a cross between:

Matthew Mcconaughey in his best role ever!! (Not a bad thing, ladies, ay?)
Click on his name to see the one of thee best quotes in movie history.

AND:


Jason Lee in his not so best role ( Come on, guys, have you seen Almost Famous????)
But still super funny.

It's my own damn fault, being all mustache crazy.
But my love of a mustache extends only to mugs and jewelry, mostly because people keep lookin' at Z like he's gonna steal their kids and /or money.

But even with a bad stache - he still steals my heart.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Books. Boards. Boyfriend.




Whew guys! I have been soooo busy these days....

These are the latest happenings:

Me and my talented illustrator's book is available for purchase!


Yay!

It's available at amazon.com or borders.com or directly from me! If you are interested in a signed copy message me your email address and I will send you all the details!


Also:

Boyfriend has taken to this bizarre behavior. He has been carrying around my shirts in his mouth - just walkin around the house, holding them in his mouth. Not chewing them or anything; in fact, he will gently set them down on the floor when he's finished manhandling said blouses. It's so cute/weird. Then last night I got into bed and my feet felt something under the sheets so I pull back the covers and found like five of my shirts in the bed. Apparently he's stock piling my shit.

You're so lucky you're so damn cute.

Z has started to make wooden surf boards. Like, old-school, hollow boards. And they are awesome. My man can make/fix everything. It's hot/sexy.

Especially when rockin' the "jorts," jeans/shorts.

In other news: I bought the most awesome smelling pumpkin candle so even though it is ALWAYS 84 degrees at my house - it SMELLS just like fall - am making beet and carrot soup tonight to support candle smell. Yay Fall!







Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Stachetastic Deux? Oui!


I think I may have a slight obsession with all things Mustache...... it all started with this little number and has now become Ree-Dick-U-Lass!!

I can't help it - the "Mustachio" is timeless: always cool, always hip, always funny and never not hilarious.

Here are a few of my obsessions:

Are you kidding me??? Who does not want these?????

Or these??? I NEED to drink my wine out of these glasses. No other wine glasses will EVER, EVER, EVER do.

I really want this hanging in my bathroom. I only own four necklaces.... but have no fear - because I will hang this (see below) on it as well.....

Ugh, these are soooo cool!! Because you can do this (see below)

NEVER NOT FUNNY. Never. Not. Funny.


Poof. Your mac (Please tell me you are not reading this on a PC - once you go Mac, you'll never go back, right A?) is now incognito.......now where the hell did that laptop go?

Just a really cool print for our unborn baby's unborn room.....


That's only a taste of my obsessions. Now I don't actually own any of these... but with Christmas just around the corner - I might want only mustache gifts or I might give only mustache gifts..... hmmmm...... perhaps both.

Where is all this fabulous stuff available at? Etsy.com Etsy is all things handmade and all things freaking fantastic!! Check it out! (But be prepared for hours of your life to be consumed....)





Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Blast From the Past!!


Many of you probably don't know this about me, well maybe you do if you read this blog entry, but I have a degree in Journalism. In order to get said degree, I had to do a three-month-long internship (it felt like 3 mother f-ing years). Which just so happened to be for my hometown newspaper. This required me to leave my super cool and funky college town and return to my mom's house (My mom is super cool and funky too, but you get the gist.) Not a happy camper.

Thee only cool thing about writing for a newspaper was that the Outdoor Editor let me write 2 guest columns.

Here, for a repeat performance, is one of those columns.


I admit it.

I am deathly afraid of outhouses.

Laugh all you want. (Everyone always does.) Admitting this fear is embarrassing enough.

It is not the smell that bothers me, or the flies that buzz around. It is not the occasional spider web or the fear of falling in. It is not the idea of going where other’s have “gone before,” or even the dark trek out to the loo in the middle of the night.

I am not afraid of the splashing thing or the sitting on the seat. I am not afraid I’ll drop something important, never able to retrieve it.

Nope, it’s the little, dirty old man that lives “down there” in the pit and tickles the behinds of unsuspecting users.


OMFG!! This is him! This is him!

I’m not crazy, I am aware there is really not an unhygienic person who lives in the hole, yet he has haunted me ever since I can remember.

No matter what my mother tells everyone, my borderline “outhouse phobia” is ALL her fault. I must have been fine with the whole outdoor bathroom thing before the “incident” ruined me, because being afraid of an outhouse is obviously a learned behavior.

It happened one summer evening when my family and I were camping. I was at that tender age when I took my mother’s word as the gospel truth. As I was walking to the john, my mother casually told me to be careful about the little old man.

Well that was it. That was when it all began. And it has stuck with me throughout all my outdoor adventures.

While attending a three-day concert at the Gorge in Washington State during college, I knew I would be forced to use the portable potty. So when Mother Nature called, I made my best friend go in with me. Here we are, cramped inside a sea green outhouse, with a thousand people waiting to go and I cannot sit and do my business without fear of the little old man and his long scratchy index finger. My best friend is laughing at me. It’s over a hundred degrees in that thing. People are yelling at us to hurry and I am petrified. Needless to say, it was a long couple of days.

Another time, I was camping with a boyfriend at this little rustic place on Rock Creek in Montana. After a fabulous day of fishing, I had to go. Making him stand guard for the hundredth time while I did the deed, he became fed up and pleaded with me to use the outhouse behind the cabin.

After much protest and mostly to just make him shut up about it, I gave in. I thought that day would be the day my life with outhouses would change forever.

Yeah right. I walked into the old wooden outhouse and again, I was terrified.

If the fate of the free world rested on my and an outhouse, I would use it to the best of my abilities.

I love the outdoors and I love being close to nature, so I will continue to do my natural thing as close to her as possible.


This was printed with a PICTURE of me and THOUSANDS of people read it. The day this got printed was a Thursday and over the course of the next coupla days I got: a free lunch because the waitress recognized me from the picture and said her husband laughed so hard he was crying and she knew he would want to pay for my bowl of Chili; I got a wedding proposal - not for marriage but some guy at the bar recognized me and wanted to take me as his date to his brother's wedding. Really? I also got emails and phone calls and a shout out from some DJ at a Rodeo Dance. Really?

I was known for the rest of the summer as "The Outhouse Girl" but I wasn't embarrassed because this "Outhouse Girl" didn't pay SHIT for her drinks all summer long!



Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ain't Nothin' but a G-Thang, Baby!



I love music.

I know a lot of people do (clearly) but I couldn't even imagine the world without it. And I love it all - a man and his guitar, Rap, Country, whatever.

My music loving really started going when my dad bought me my first CD player in the 7th grade. It was a 5 disc changer with removable spreakers, the creme de' la creme. What he failed to buy me were some CD's to go in it. (Typical male.)

Well, that's kinda not the whole truth. There was the CD, Enigma, in one of the disc holders when we opened it. Apparently the workers accidently left it after they were using monk chants mixed with some nice beats to show the quality of the sound.

(And for those of you who can't remember Enigma. Let me, ah, enlighten you.)

I'm 13 years old. I'm not about to listen to scary-ass monk chanting and some breathy woman singing/orgasm-ing in........ um, Latin?

Nope.

My first ever REAL CD was........... wait for it............................



Snoop Doggy Dog's Doggystlye.


I'm serious.

And I can still, to this day, rap EVERY SINGLE song.

Please note the Parental Advisory sticker on the bottom left-hand. I'm going to have to go ahead and attribute my potty mouth to this CD. But wait, how did I acquire this soundtrack when the purchaser had to be 18 years or older, you ask?

My grandmother.

I'm serious.

My grandma bought me THIS!!!! (Please listen to the link until my favorite part at 1:38, wherein Snoop so eloquently states, "You's a flake, and I'm the big dog. I scratch you off my balls with my mother fuckin' paws.") Genius.

But the best part is when we went to the music store to actually get the CD. It was the day after Christmas, the place is a frickin' mad house and she asks the super-hot-teenage-boy worker this.....

"Um, yeah, can I have the Snoopy Dog Dog record?"

SNOOPY DOG DOG????

RECORD?????

I was dying, dyyyy------innnnng, you guys.

I mean, I was 13 years old. Everything and Everyone already normally embarrassed me and then this????

I'm surprised I didn't melt into the floor of that music store right then.

But when we went back to her house and she asked me to play her a song I played her this.

Paybacks are a "mother fuckin' bitch. Ya better aks somebody."


P.S. I'm so so sorry G-ma. I was a wretched little punk 13 year-old. But thanks again for this CD, as it has made me the gangsta that I am today.





Friday, August 27, 2010

Tick. Tick. Tick. Do I hear my biological clock? Someone grab me a hammer.


So I have been thinking, a lot, lately about Z and I having a kid.

Mom and friends, please pick your mouths up off the floor.

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who am I? What is this woman who has held 3, count em' 3, babies in her whole life even thinking??

I don't know what the fuck is happening to me? I mean, I just said, well typed, the word fuck.

People with potty mouths should probably not procreate. (Wow say that sentence 10 times fast.) I totally know I will have that child that tells all the other children swear words in pre-school. "My mommy says Fuck."

Great.

But seriously, after more than a halfa bottle of wine with my friend Tuesday night, I woke up my sleeping husband. (More than halfa bottle of wine and disturbing someone's peaceful slumber? Zero mommy points for me.) And proceeded to tell him that we needed to talk about having babies. Like, RIGHT NOW!

He thought I meant, I wanted to "Have Babies" like that was secret code word for me wanting to do it.

Ewe. Whaaaaaaa?????

As if I would ever describe sex as "Have Babies" - that is so gross and 19 kids and Counting - ish.

So, I quickly burst that bubble and told him we've never really talked about having kids.

I mean, we both know we want children, at some point, and we have been married almost 5 years and I just turned 30 and he's turning 31 and I've been reading other people's blogs about their kids and seeing fun family pictures and on my trip back to Montana I hung out with some pretty rad kids and precious babies and baby cloths and baby rooms are so cute and 4 year olds say the coolest things and I wrote a children's book for god's sake and and and ...... but but but

But I need to lose 10 pounds before I get knocked up because I don't want to have to lose 10 extra pounds ON TOP of baby weight and what's that whole bullshit thing they say about NOT DRINKING for 9 months and wait, can I eat sushi and raw tuna - NO? Well I don't eat meat - what the hell am I going to eat for 9 months then? And you all know that every time I throw-up I cry and call my mom - I'm sure she'll love those fun-filled first-trimester phone calls. And why do I have to be the pregnant and the hormonal one?

AND WHY IS IT THAT THE ONLY THING A MAN HAS TO DO TO HAVE BABIES IS HAVE A GOD DAMN ORGASM???????

Gee - that seems really fair.

And I know me. And some of you know me.

How happy do you think I will be all fat with water-retained cankels all the while not being able to sleep at night because I can't sleep on my back and it's hot in the house and all I want is this weird little being that's making me have to pee 50 times a day out of my body and Z cracks open a cold beer.

Oh, hell no.

The left hand would be for Z and the right hand would be for all the non-prego beer drinkers in the world! (Well, and for the prego beer drinkers as well.)


It's all very scary to me.

And of course because I can be completely ego-centric. I will think I am thee only pregnant person in the whole entire world, nay, the only person to ever be pregnant, like ever, in the history of mankind. And that NO ONE could possibly know how I was feeling and Holy Shit how f'ing bad do these f'ing contractions hurt????

Then I will say really, really mean things to Z and blame him for knocking me up in the first place and then I will be the biggest sissy ever and change my mind about the whole "giving birth" scenario and then I will probably end up having a C-section and then that will shoot my "birthing plan" straight to hell and because I can be a complete control freak, this will make me spiral out of control until the hospital staff kicks me out and I have to have my baby on the sidewalk in front of the hospital where all the smokers are and then they will blow their second hand smoke into my newly born son or daughter's face. And then I will kill them and then Z will be stuck raising this kid all alone.

Forget it.

I just changed my mind about the whole baby thing.

Whew - mama needs a big ole' glass of wine.









Thursday, August 19, 2010

Reality TV Bites



So before I get into my month-long love affair I just had with my beloved Montana; I have to talk about the tid-bits of time I got to just sit and watch some TV.

Now this is kinda a big deal because I don't often just sit and watch TV at my own house because there are a kajillion other things that need to be done.

Not to mention I had an epiphany around this time last year and sold our huge ass flat screen exclaiming, "No one who makes any difference in the world
sits around and watches TV!!" My husband went along with my episode (pun intended) and just watched as his TV got hauled away.

*Side Note: I realize he is kinda awesome and also a catch and a keeper (and apparently a rainbow trout)...... but he's from New Zealand so it wasn't like he was watching football on the damn thing with his buddies while they stuck their hands down their pants and burped the alphabet.

I digress.

We didn't have TV for a solid 9 months until I cracked my shit (again) and wanted to watch movies on something other than this computer that's in our little computer room while sitting on this uncomfortable computer chair, which to be honest is just a normal kitchen table chair. So I got on Craigslist and found a huge old TV for $20 bucks.

But again, I digress.

While on vacation I got an hour or two of down time and watched some "Reality TV."

Like this little gem. 19 Kids and Counting.


As an only child, this shit is scary yo'.


About the life and fun times of the Dugger family that have 19 kids (and apparently still counting.....which means like MORE??) and then some of those kids have kids.......... yikes!! They are religious (obviously) so the girls have to wear dresses (Cause the Bible says that???) don't cut their hair (Cause the Bible says that?) And apparently mama and papa have no concept of contraception.

Don't get me wrong I could not care-less about what people wear or what they choose to believe. You wanna wear ice skates and a clown nose to school? By all means. You wanna think that JC will not like you because you done wore a pair of $150 dolla jeans that made your ass look fabulous? That's your gig.

But let's get a grip people.

The dad, I think his name is Jim-Bob (Yeah you read that right.) needs to take a fucking cold shower and stop making an honest woman out of his wife. Seriously. She has born 19 kids!!! If she doesn't stop with the calving she's going to have to straight pick her uterus up off the ground and push it back in threw her vajayjay (Yeah you read that right.) And his wife, I mean it's your body sister but the words I think you should start to use a lot more are "no" and "headache".

And what about the mind-numbing Jersey Shore??

Hell to the NO!!!

I'm sorry MTV but ARE YOU SERIOUS?????? That show made me want to adjust the color on my TV screen from all the bad fake tanning and those people are so stupid they made me puke in my mouth a little. What bullshit show is this??

Dear MTV & Dugger Family,

Stop. Please just stop.

Love,
me

P.S. Fist Pumps for Jesus.



Monday, August 16, 2010

I'm Back!!



I have to start out by saying that I thought about this blog a lot while on my Montana Adventure. I missed you. And we have much to catch up on.......

But, I have been back home for almost a week now and there have been some BIG THINGS happening and it's all been such a blur since I got back on the island and I just need a second to catch my breath but there are things to be done and my life to get in order and yoga classes to attend and bills to pay and weight to be lost and friends to catch up with and a house to be cleaned and husbands and Boyfriends to be loved and and and and

AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what happens when you go away from your "real life" for a month.

But it was all so so so worth it.

Updates and Pictures of my awesome vacay coming soon because I just wanted to show you this first!


Oh, I'm sorry, you asked what I do? I write these, suckas!!!!!


Yup. That's right. That's the book I wrote. In my hands.


It's just gorgeous and colorful and fabulous and pretty much the best children's book that there ever was. It even smells really good; like a real book!!!

I'm serious. Even Mother Goose ain't got nothin' on this baby. Okay - that's a bit of a stretch but seriously it's pretty dang near that great.

The illustrations are just brilliant. And it must be the writer (aka. NOT artistic in any way, shape, or form!) in me because every time I look at it I think about how my job was a piece of cake compared to the work that the illustrator did......... AMAZING!!

Can't wait to get it out to all my family and friends and the public - soon!!!





Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fun Stuffs 2.0





Yo, Yo!!

So I don't know if you know this but, I am turning thirty in a coupla weeks. I don't really give a shit because people still don't even believe I am old enough to drink. Especially when I go home to Montana and give the waitress my Hawaiian I.D. They glare at me, shake their heads and walk away. I smile and think, "When that stops happening, I'm gonna be sad."

So, I'm not too hung up on the big three-oh. I am hung up on the joint party me and my friend are having. It's a clam-bake, sailor-attire, keg-a-PBR drinkin' shindig and I just got this from ebay.



You can't really tell but it's a customized captain's hat!! YESSS!!!

I also got my husband a sailor hat, we are going to write "Cabin Boy" on it. He's pretty excited. I also just scored this parrot ring that I will wear with the above hat at above mentioned party.

I mean really, how could I not have spent $3.50 on this baby????

If this all isn't enough for you guys, I forgot I also ordered some fun stuffs that was on sale, but because I live in the middle of the ocean, the stuff takes FOREVER to get here so I forget about it until the mail lady leaves it on my lanai.

Items such as these........



Well, technically not the gold head band, but the awesome old-man glasses. I hope to get my prescription lens put in but will have to take them to my Eye Doc. to see if he will do that....please keep your fingers crossed......


I also thought this T-Shirt was hilarious, a little outdated for the joke, but hilarious none-the-less. I hope to rock it on the golf course with my pink golf clubs and matching golf hat sooner rather than later. (For the record: The old Hawaiian guys always laugh when I rock up with my pink clubs and pink plaid golf hat but when they see my game, they ain't laughing so hard - suckas.)



Could be mistaken for beastiality but I ain't even gonna go there......

So - those are the fun stuffs this time around.

Heading to visit my family in a week on the mainland. Me mum doesn't have Internet at her house (She's so old-school, ay?) so I may not be able to write about all my Montana shenanigans, but many of you readers will be hanging out with me so that's even better!!

I will try to get one last shout-out in before I head to Mon-tucky.........