Tick. Tick. Tick. Do I hear my biological clock? Someone grab me a hammer.

So I have been thinking, a lot, lately about Z and I having a kid.

Mom and friends, please pick your mouths up off the floor.

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who am I? What is this woman who has held 3, count em' 3, babies in her whole life even thinking??

I don't know what the fuck is happening to me? I mean, I just said, well typed, the word fuck.

People with potty mouths should probably not procreate. (Wow say that sentence 10 times fast.) I totally know I will have that child that tells all the other children swear words in pre-school. "My mommy says Fuck."

Great.

But seriously, after more than a halfa bottle of wine with my friend Tuesday night, I woke up my sleeping husband. (More than halfa bottle of wine and disturbing someone's peaceful slumber? Zero mommy points for me.) And proceeded to tell him that we needed to talk about having babies. Like, RIGHT NOW!

He thought I meant, I wanted to "Have Babies" like that was secret code word for me wanting to do it.

Ewe. Whaaaaaaa?????

As if I would ever describe sex as "Have Babies" - that is so gross and 19 kids and Counting - ish.

So, I quickly burst that bubble and told him we've never really talked about having kids.

I mean, we both know we want children, at some point, and we have been married almost 5 years and I just turned 30 and he's turning 31 and I've been reading other people's blogs about their kids and seeing fun family pictures and on my trip back to Montana I hung out with some pretty rad kids and precious babies and baby cloths and baby rooms are so cute and 4 year olds say the coolest things and I wrote a children's book for god's sake and and and ...... but but but

But I need to lose 10 pounds before I get knocked up because I don't want to have to lose 10 extra pounds ON TOP of baby weight and what's that whole bullshit thing they say about NOT DRINKING for 9 months and wait, can I eat sushi and raw tuna - NO? Well I don't eat meat - what the hell am I going to eat for 9 months then? And you all know that every time I throw-up I cry and call my mom - I'm sure she'll love those fun-filled first-trimester phone calls. And why do I have to be the pregnant and the hormonal one?

AND WHY IS IT THAT THE ONLY THING A MAN HAS TO DO TO HAVE BABIES IS HAVE A GOD DAMN ORGASM???????

Gee - that seems really fair.

And I know me. And some of you know me.

How happy do you think I will be all fat with water-retained cankels all the while not being able to sleep at night because I can't sleep on my back and it's hot in the house and all I want is this weird little being that's making me have to pee 50 times a day out of my body and Z cracks open a cold beer.

Oh, hell no.

The left hand would be for Z and the right hand would be for all the non-prego beer drinkers in the world! (Well, and for the prego beer drinkers as well.)

It's all very scary to me.

And of course because I can be completely ego-centric. I will think I am thee only pregnant person in the whole entire world, nay, the only person to ever be pregnant, like ever, in the history of mankind. And that NO ONE could possibly know how I was feeling and Holy Shit how f'ing bad do these f'ing contractions hurt????

Then I will say really, really mean things to Z and blame him for knocking me up in the first place and then I will be the biggest sissy ever and change my mind about the whole "giving birth" scenario and then I will probably end up having a C-section and then that will shoot my "birthing plan" straight to hell and because I can be a complete control freak, this will make me spiral out of control until the hospital staff kicks me out and I have to have my baby on the sidewalk in front of the hospital where all the smokers are and then they will blow their second hand smoke into my newly born son or daughter's face. And then I will kill them and then Z will be stuck raising this kid all alone.

Forget it.

I just changed my mind about the whole baby thing.

Whew - mama needs a big ole' glass of wine.