The Chicken Coop Chronicles

I have been so busy lately that I think I may have forgotten how to write.

Let's see - what story can I tell you.

Did you guys know that one time I was stuck in a chicken coop for like an hour in like snowy-ass 5 degree weather?

Find me!

Okay, that wasn't really a picture of the chicken coop - add like 5 feet more snow and add night time/pitch dark up in the mix and add the fact that I had just gotten back from the gym and was wearing work out pants and a tank top with a long sleeve shirt over the top and tennis shoes.  Sprinkle in the fact that this story involves a 5 month-old chocolate lab named Fudge 

Ahhhhh.... (Again, not the real Fudge but you get the gist.)

and top it off with 1 mean ass rooster that wanted to kill me 

I hate you, Ozzy. (Yet again, not the real Ozzy but pretty dang close.)

Put it out in the freezing-ass Vermont cold and this is what you get.......

"Moooommmm," I whine, "I'm stuck in the chicken coop."

"You're what?" my mom asks, stifling a laugh.

"I'm locked in the chicken coop because I went to put them in for the night after I got back from the gym so I shut the chain link door behind me but that little dog Fudge that lives here followed me and jumped up on the door and pushed the latch down and now it's locked and I can't get out."

"Well, where's Z," my mom asked.

 "He's painting the main house, which is like 200 yards away. I can see him in the window but it's dark down here by the barn and he can't see me." 

"Have you tried calling the house?" mom asked.

"Yes, but the family that we are house sitting for is at their 3rd house in Jackson Hole, Wyoming all the way on the other side of the country so they have the house number rerouted so they can take all their calls there and because this is like the second week working for them I'm not going call them and let them know I am a farm-failure."

"Oh, honey," mom said. "Are you cold? It's like 7:30 at night in January in Vermont."

"I'm freezing," I whine.  "I've been in here for like 20 minutes and I can't feel my toes and it's snowing and I'm not wearing a hat or gloves or even a jacket."

"You're not wearing your hat?" mom asked accusingly.

"What? Oh - um, no. God mom,  I was just coming home from the gym and thought I would quickly pull down the chicken hatch and drive up to the house and say Hi to Z. I wasn't planning on being outside for this long on a little dinner date/meet and greet with the chickens."

It then dawns on me that I might fricking get frost bite and lose my toes and then I will never be able to wear flip-flops or dance the tango and so of course I start to cry; which just made my face freeze and made the dog upset and start to whine.

"Is that the dog?" mom asked.

"Yes, she's whining and trying to dig underneath the door," I explained. "I think she knows I'm stuck in here."

"Oh, that's kinda cute," mom sighs.

You are NOT cute.

"It's not cute!" I cry. "OMG I'm going to freeze to death in a chicken coop at the age of 23. This sucks and you're going to hear the whole thing. Then you won't think it's very cute."

"Honey, you are over reacting."

"I'm a little cold, mom. I'm sorry."

"Can you go into where the chickens sleep - it must be warm."

"I would rather freeze to death then have Ozzy peck my eyeballs out."

"Yes, that rooster does have it in for you."

"I threw a 2x4 at him earlier today," I said. "What time is it now?'

"5:45 my time so 7:45 your time," mom answered.

"I've been in here for a half hour," I'm going to do some jumping jacks and see if I can squeeze in with the chickens and all of their chicken shit and disgustingness."

"Good idea," mom agrees. "Call me in 5 minutes."

So I do some jogging in place and jump around, which gets the dog all riled up and barking. I think that maybe Z will look outside if he hears barking so I run around and scream and jump and act like a mad woman. The dog barks even louder. Z doesn't notice a thing. I start to sing songs and pet the dog threw the chain link. I giggle a little because it's like the opposite of a dog shelter. Like I'm hoping Fudge picks me and takes me to her warm home. I think I may be going insane because I'm so cold. I'm still shivering so at least my body hasn't shut down yet. 

I try to crawl into the chicken box. It  is warm-ish in there. The chickens are all huddled together in one long line of fowl but then a head pokes up from the feathers and I see

so I shimmy back out and call me mom.

"Ozzy is giving me the stink eye."

"Honey, you have to get warm and you have to call the police."

"OMG mom, I'm not calling the police! It will take them a half hour to get out here and then they're gonna have to cut the fence and then we will lose this job and we really need this job to save some money."

"Well, what are you going to do? Wait for hours until Z is done painting?"

"I'm not sure. I can't think. I'm really cold and sleepy."

"Hang up. Hang up right now." my mom said all panicky. "I'm calling the cops."

"Wait, I see a car coming up our driveway!" I exclaim. "I think it's the neighbors - Fudge's parents! OMG! OMG! I gotta go, mom."

So again, I proceed to yell and scream and jump and act like a crazy woman.  The lady lives on the same property as us but I've never really had a complete conversation with her yet. She pulls her warm white Land Rover over and rolls down her window.

"Hey Fudge!" she exclaims as the dog rushes over to her. "Hey In There?" (I know she says this because she doesn't remember my name.)

"Hi, OMG can you please let me out. I'm stuck in here. I've been stuck in here for like an hour. Your dog jumped on the outside latch and pushed it down and I'm freezing."

"OMG - you've been stuck out here in the cold and dark in that chicken coop with Ozzy?"

"Yes."

She starts laughing, "I'm surprised you have your eyes still."

She lets me out and I get into her warm car to make the 30 foot drive to her house. We go inside and she puts on some tea.

"I can't believe you were in that chicken coop for so long. Why didn't you just call your husband at the main house?" She asks, still laughing. She hands me a piping hot tea and Fudge curls on my lap and I start to explain. 

Lost Solez: Lost Sole Matez

Here is another addition of Lost Solez!!

I have so many now that this one shall be called
"Lost Sole Matez" Part 1.

Paia, Hawaii                    T-Dubya

Chicago, Illinois                       Ally

Makawao, Hawaii                T-Dubya

Tavares Bay, Hawaii                     Linda & Guapo

   Peahi, Hawaii                                                        Z

*Bonus Picture*

Austin, Texas                 Darlene C

Fo the record: How can a person lose BOTH shoes? Is this some sort of Rapture thing? Were they super drunk? I can understand a little kid but I don't understand the others..... it's such a great phenomena, no? One of life's mysteries!! I love it!

Keep those eye balls peeled and send pics to me - lostsolezpix@gmail.com

I have been advised to start a Tumbr page-thingy so I'm going to try to get all fancy-pants and try to use Tumblr for these beauties... WTF is Tumblr you ask? Well, IDK.  We will find out. And I will keep you posted! 

Happy Weekend!

Mustache Maddness

This is what true love looks like, kids!!

I would like to start out with this blog post saying "Happy 7 Year Anniversary" to Z. You are the greatest most greatest man I could ever ask for. 

Okay, so I have this friend who has been a loyal follower of my blog since Day 1.  We grew up in the same town and had the same friends and worked together for a little while at the best gym ever!! I'm also really good friends with her aunt; so I like to think of myself as an honorary member of her family as well!!

She now lives in New York City and is just the cutest of the cutest. It's so fun when we manage to get together when we are both at home at the same time because it's always a party and it feels like we were just hanging out. (Don't you just love when you have friends like that - like it could be 5 years and then once you see them, it's like no time has passed at all? Ugh, thee best!!)

So anyway, out of the blue I get this fun little package from her in the mail with these little gems.

Shut your face up!!!

So then a like a month later I get another gift in the mail along with a letter which I will share with all of you - with her permission! The writing in purple is the letter Bianne wrote to me and the writing in Black and Italics is mine because I can't keep my mouth shut.

Tia!

So here's the story behind this one... I have a friend, LW, who is always helping me be more fashionable and feminine. (Totally understand this b/c we grew up in butt-fuck Egypt with cow poop and football in our blood and now homegirl is living in NYC where there are like, real fashion designers and shit.) Whether it is finding the perfect accessory, lipstick or bra, she always loves making women feel their best. Well, about a year ago, LW tells me I should probably start waxing my stash. (I know it's been sometime since I've see you, Bri, but I don't remember ever seeing you sporting facial hair but hey - time and hormones are powerful things!)  She acknowledges that it is all blond hair so it isn't terrible, but there is just so much of the blond hair that she feels it definitely qualifies as a stash. (Well that is a good friend right there, folks!) Of course, I was completely horrified that I had been walking around with a mustache! But not horrified enough to want to start waxing (Oh man, that's the Montana in ya talking.....)  until recently. A guy I have been hanging around with (Eeeeeeee!) was driving LW and me to Penn Station to catch our train to the Hamptons. (As you do.) It was a beautiful sunshiny morning and we had the sunroof open. As I turned around to talk to LW in the back seat, she exclaims, "Brianne. It is time. Your mustache is so out of control, I can see blonde hairs glistening in the sunlight!" (Wait your girl says this IN FRONT of the guy you're hanging out with?? Aghast!!)  To which the dude replies, "Yeah, you are a little stashtastic." (Double, wait... Triple Aghast!!!)  

The rest of the story goes like this:  We missed our train. We had to drink beer at noon to kill time until the next train. (Did Bri have a beer foam mustache while this was happening, I wonder? j/k buddy.) My friend happened to notice a threading salon across the street from Penn. (Well that's lucky.)  Mid-day beers helped me decide it was time to lose the stash. (Mid-day beers are always so helpful, probably in every single situation I can think of.)  A week later I receive this Stashtastic tee from the dude. (I think you should marry this boy. Like Now. I like him..... a lot.)  And obviously, I had to get one for you!

Fo realsies yo'.... Stachetastic indeed!

And remember the Mustache Mystery??  And remember how I sorta figured out who the sender was... well it was my Godmother!! One of my most favoritest people in the whole world!

And she's gotten me these!!  Another great T-Shirt she had made!

Me or Mustaches? 

And these! Ugh, I love, love, love these! There were 4 wine tags all together and one has my name on one, one has Z's name on one and the other two say "Musta" "Stache" So CUTE!!!

Forget about it!

So there's some more mustache madness for you guys!  It's really never not funny! :})

Lost Solez the 5th

 I trust everyone had a killer long-weekend and that many of you spent that time with your family.  I spent it with Z and Boyfriend and my good friends - my family here in the isles.

So in honor of my "other" family (for lack of a better term) here are some lost solez from my "real" family (for lack of a better term).

Havre, Montana                      Aunt Carla

Great Falls, Montana                              Cousin Carrie 

New Town, North Dakota                      Cousin Summer 

Havre, Montana           Cousin Madison

Great Falls, Montana                    Step-Dad Sam 

*Bonus Picture*

Butte, Montana                                 Cousin Carrie

Oh man that bonus picture is all sortsa fantastic!!  Thank you family for keeping an eye out for me!!  And thank you my friends for doing the same!  I have so many from so many more of you! 

Keep those eye balls peeled! My G-ma just said to me today, "When I drive I'm not looking at the trees, I'm looking down on the road trying to look for lost solez!" 

Amen, G-ma, Amen.

Found a lost sole? Email me the pic at lostsolezpix@gmail.com

Update Time!!

Oh, so many things you guys.... there are so many things to share with you all that I've just been putting off blogging rather than try to sort it all out.... I know!!!


Where to start - where to start??

I took a 5-day writing workshop run by a talented and brilliant woman, met some talented and inspiring writers and now I feel different.  Like - I. Feel. Different.  I can't explain it but it was more than I expected and I am still in a post-workshop slump.  I didn't want it to end!!! Love to all my AOM homies!!  Big Big Love!!!

Our garden is GOING OFF!!  Remember the whole lasagna-gardening process?  Well one month in the tropics and this is what you get!! (We've maybe watered it twice!?!)

1 month!!!

We have INSANE amounts of lettuce!!

Beans, Beans the Magical Fruit.....

Herbs and a rouge tomato plant that started out of nowhere!

Tomato Love

It must be the time of year b/c everything is going crazy!!

Ginger

Apple - Bananas

Gerber Daisies

Papaya Love

Our Chicks!!

Samantha

Carrie

And the first of the harvests!!!

I grew this, yo!!

And these!!!  What you know about yellow wax beanz!!

Seriously - we are all farmer-in-the-dell these days!  So fun!!  

Okay - so that's a quick update....more Lost Solez coming up...... I have 91 pictures since I started!!  NINTY-ONE!!  Holy shit you guys!  Thank you, thank you for keeping your eyes out!  AND.... some fun mustache maddness - you didn't think my love for the stache was gone now did ya??

Stay Tuned......

O! What a Night!!

So - just a quick update on things before I start my memoir writing class (taught by a couple of fantastic ladies) I will take beginning on Friday. I am PUMPED to take this class because I haven't written for people's critique in, well....... IDK college?  Well, maybe when I sent my children's book in to get published..... and we all know how that shit turned out!

Holla!!

Regardless, I'm not too sure I know much about writing a memoir - although I do lay some shit out on this here blog for you guys so me thinks it will help with this too. (You're welcome! )

So, what's been going on in my world?

Let me fill you in.....I mean, it hasn't been too too much, just the usual run-of-the-mill stuff like........

I gave my book to this lady.

You recognize her, no?

Yup.

I KNOW!!!!!

I had dinner with Z at this really nice restaurant and she happened* to be sitting 10 feet away from me enjoying a little dinner with some of her friends.

How did I manage to eat my soup and ahi sashimi while this woman whom I've LOVED my ENTIRE LIFE sat a mere 10 feet from me??  (Remember I named my first dog Oprah???)  I have no freaking idea??!!  

But I do know I keep extra copies of my book handy so I grabbed one, ran to the bathroom, signed it to her and waited until she finished her meal. (My mama done taught me right, ya'll - I was not about to bother her while she ate a meal!) Her assistant (or whoever) went to pay their bill and I caught Oprah's eye.....wait let me say type that again..... I CAUGHT OPRAH'S EYE and kinda held my book up. She saw me and waved me over to her......wait let me say type that again..... SHE WAVED ME OVER TO HER and I quickly got outta my seat and took the 2 steps.....wait......TOOK THE TWO STEPS to her and said that it was my children's book I wrote and that it would be an honor to give it to her.  She graciously accepted and then proceeded to take a quick look at it while I stood there, awkwardly deciding what to do. 

So I say to the man I'm standing next to (No, it wasn't Stedman. He wasn't there?!) "I signed it in the bathroom, real classy like."

And he laughed and Oprah laughed.... AND OPRAH LAUGHED.

 I made the big O laugh!!

I think my job is here is done..................

j/k 

But it was a dream come true! I mean, how could I have not taken advantage of that proximity? But shitttttttt...... I was SHAKING!!!  

This was well needed and well deserved after that one!

I mean - I've been told I'm not afraid to talk to anyone - and this is probably true but.... seriously I thought I was going to puke!

I got back to the table and Z was shaking his head and smiling. He told me I had big, giant balls.

Clank. Clank.

*none of your business..... ;)

Anal-Ness 101

So yesterday I was in line at our local grocery store, and considering the little beach town I call home is a T intersection it's safe to say this little store is the hub of this little town. So I was waiting to pay for my $5 Greek Salad (Which, let's be honest, is just some chopped up cucumber, tomato, some kalamata olives and some feta cheese, but whateves, it's ORGANIC, okay?)  and the guy in from of me didn't have 2 cents (Insert obvious joke here.) so the cashier girl didn't want to give him 98 cents back so she just gave him a dollar.

Well lo and behold, my total was 7.38.  So I just gave her 7.40 and told her to keep the change so that way her drawer would be perfect.

I mean - I was doing that girl a solid, no?

And she says to me,"Wow, aren't we a little anal?"

My first thought was to reply, "Anal? Nah, I prefer missionary but maybe if I'm a little drunk first." (I'm totally kidding mom and dad!)

But sheesh......

 I "kinda" know this girl b/c I've seen her here and there but to call out a girl on her shit only because she was being helpful......

I shall take my anal-ness and helpful-ness powers else where then...

And clearly this girl has never been to my house.  Anal would be an understatement.

Then it got me to thinking as to when my "anal-ness" began.  (Why can't I type the word anal and not giggle.....I am such a 7th-grade boy trapped in this 31-year-old woman's body!) 

I remember back in the day in grade school when we would clean out our desks every other Friday.  This seemed silly to me as my desk was always perfectly organized with a pen and pencil neatly in the front divot, folders stacked on top of one another on the left hand side from littlest to biggest and then books on the other side according to subject and time of day needed. 

Why would anyone need to take time out of their day to clean? 

Oh the shit a little person can shove in here......

I usually just got to read my book or play with the classroom hamster, Oreo, during this time.  

I remember one day my teacher was so fed up with a student because she was taking too long to clean  that he just walked over to her desk and dumped that whole f-ing thing on the floor.

I, already being annoyed by this huge waste of time, balked at the shit that was in this girl's desk.  There was a pair of dirty socks, crumpled up papers, half-eaten bags of chips (we weren't even allowed to eat food in the classroom!) a solitary mitten, hair ties, and what-ever-have-you.

clean out cha business!!

It took all of me to not start clapping.  Seriously. Clapping and nodding in agreement with the desk dumping shenanigans. My little 7-year-old self snidely saying, "Yup. Yup. You kids see that. That is a real man right there. A real, clean man.  I mean, I don't blame him. That shoulda been done ages ago."

That poor girl was mortified and started crying but I smugly pretended to read my book all the while watching her clean up her filthy mess. (I now know I should have HELPED her since I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING ANYWAYS, YOU LITTLE ANAL-ASS-BRAT!!)

But I didn't and I felt satisfied in knowing I was never going to have my shit dumped out for all the world to see.  

Yeah, I think for sure that incident just cemented my anal tendencies.... ha ha..... anal tendencies.