O! What a Night!!

So - just a quick update on things before I start my memoir writing class (taught by a couple of fantastic ladies) I will take beginning on Friday. I am PUMPED to take this class because I haven't written for people's critique in, well....... IDK college?  Well, maybe when I sent my children's book in to get published..... and we all know how that shit turned out!

Holla!!

Regardless, I'm not too sure I know much about writing a memoir - although I do lay some shit out on this here blog for you guys so me thinks it will help with this too. (You're welcome! )

So, what's been going on in my world?

Let me fill you in.....I mean, it hasn't been too too much, just the usual run-of-the-mill stuff like........

I gave my book to this lady.

You recognize her, no?

Yup.

I KNOW!!!!!

I had dinner with Z at this really nice restaurant and she happened* to be sitting 10 feet away from me enjoying a little dinner with some of her friends.

How did I manage to eat my soup and ahi sashimi while this woman whom I've LOVED my ENTIRE LIFE sat a mere 10 feet from me??  (Remember I named my first dog Oprah???)  I have no freaking idea??!!  

But I do know I keep extra copies of my book handy so I grabbed one, ran to the bathroom, signed it to her and waited until she finished her meal. (My mama done taught me right, ya'll - I was not about to bother her while she ate a meal!) Her assistant (or whoever) went to pay their bill and I caught Oprah's eye.....wait let me say type that again..... I CAUGHT OPRAH'S EYE and kinda held my book up. She saw me and waved me over to her......wait let me say type that again..... SHE WAVED ME OVER TO HER and I quickly got outta my seat and took the 2 steps.....wait......TOOK THE TWO STEPS to her and said that it was my children's book I wrote and that it would be an honor to give it to her.  She graciously accepted and then proceeded to take a quick look at it while I stood there, awkwardly deciding what to do. 

So I say to the man I'm standing next to (No, it wasn't Stedman. He wasn't there?!) "I signed it in the bathroom, real classy like."

And he laughed and Oprah laughed.... AND OPRAH LAUGHED.

 I made the big O laugh!!

I think my job is here is done..................

j/k 

But it was a dream come true! I mean, how could I have not taken advantage of that proximity? But shitttttttt...... I was SHAKING!!!  

This was well needed and well deserved after that one!

I mean - I've been told I'm not afraid to talk to anyone - and this is probably true but.... seriously I thought I was going to puke!

I got back to the table and Z was shaking his head and smiling. He told me I had big, giant balls.

Clank. Clank.

*none of your business..... ;)

Anal-Ness 101

So yesterday I was in line at our local grocery store, and considering the little beach town I call home is a T intersection it's safe to say this little store is the hub of this little town. So I was waiting to pay for my $5 Greek Salad (Which, let's be honest, is just some chopped up cucumber, tomato, some kalamata olives and some feta cheese, but whateves, it's ORGANIC, okay?)  and the guy in from of me didn't have 2 cents (Insert obvious joke here.) so the cashier girl didn't want to give him 98 cents back so she just gave him a dollar.

Well lo and behold, my total was 7.38.  So I just gave her 7.40 and told her to keep the change so that way her drawer would be perfect.

I mean - I was doing that girl a solid, no?

And she says to me,"Wow, aren't we a little anal?"

My first thought was to reply, "Anal? Nah, I prefer missionary but maybe if I'm a little drunk first." (I'm totally kidding mom and dad!)

But sheesh......

 I "kinda" know this girl b/c I've seen her here and there but to call out a girl on her shit only because she was being helpful......

I shall take my anal-ness and helpful-ness powers else where then...

And clearly this girl has never been to my house.  Anal would be an understatement.

Then it got me to thinking as to when my "anal-ness" began.  (Why can't I type the word anal and not giggle.....I am such a 7th-grade boy trapped in this 31-year-old woman's body!) 

I remember back in the day in grade school when we would clean out our desks every other Friday.  This seemed silly to me as my desk was always perfectly organized with a pen and pencil neatly in the front divot, folders stacked on top of one another on the left hand side from littlest to biggest and then books on the other side according to subject and time of day needed. 

Why would anyone need to take time out of their day to clean? 

Oh the shit a little person can shove in here......

I usually just got to read my book or play with the classroom hamster, Oreo, during this time.  

I remember one day my teacher was so fed up with a student because she was taking too long to clean  that he just walked over to her desk and dumped that whole f-ing thing on the floor.

I, already being annoyed by this huge waste of time, balked at the shit that was in this girl's desk.  There was a pair of dirty socks, crumpled up papers, half-eaten bags of chips (we weren't even allowed to eat food in the classroom!) a solitary mitten, hair ties, and what-ever-have-you.

clean out cha business!!

It took all of me to not start clapping.  Seriously. Clapping and nodding in agreement with the desk dumping shenanigans. My little 7-year-old self snidely saying, "Yup. Yup. You kids see that. That is a real man right there. A real, clean man.  I mean, I don't blame him. That shoulda been done ages ago."

That poor girl was mortified and started crying but I smugly pretended to read my book all the while watching her clean up her filthy mess. (I now know I should have HELPED her since I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING ANYWAYS, YOU LITTLE ANAL-ASS-BRAT!!)

But I didn't and I felt satisfied in knowing I was never going to have my shit dumped out for all the world to see.  

Yeah, I think for sure that incident just cemented my anal tendencies.... ha ha..... anal tendencies.

Lost Solez da 4th

So in continuing with my "birthday month theme" I am going to add another session of Lost Solez with little gifts from all of you!

Kihei, Hawaii                                Natalie N.

Havre, Montana                                                 My G-MA!! 

Chicago, Illinois                                                  Ally

Kihei, Hawaii                                Eileen E.

Bozeman, Montana                                   Ginger Terry

*Bonus Picture

San Luis Obispo, California                      Lori Kershaw 

Thank you again for joining the Lost Solez Team! It's so fun and there are many, many more pix!!  

So please keep them coming!!  (And for those of you that "see" them and then DON'T TAKE A PICTURE but "think of me" - and no I'm not talking to ONE of you, I'm talking to ALL of you who say this to me...)  Stop fucking breaking my heart, grab your phone, get out of the car, look like an asshole who takes pictures of old-balls shoes, explain to your friend (and/or people who come over to see what the hell you are looking at) what you are doing and then send the picture to me via text or via lostsolezpix@gmail.com.

It truly makes my day/week/year.

Random Facts of the Fifth Kind

You know what you guys?  I haven't done a Random Fact blog entry since December. (Well if you don't count Boyfriend's Random Facts.)

Crazy Wack Funky. Okay.....


30. I once had my name written in Sharpie on a bathroom wall.

Okay this wasn't it - but it's Fucking Hilarious none-the-less!

In 7th-grade someone (I have a sneaking suspicion I know who did this and she may even be reading this blog - but don't worry- I ain't mad at cha!) wrote a list entitled "The Top 5 Bitches of East Middle School" and I, my dear friends, was number 3 or 4. I can't really remember but I DO remember thinking, "Well, thank Gawd I'm not number one, Bitches!!"

31. I played softball for 10 years. It is a time I think back on with really good memories. It totally shaped who I am. I played centerfield and LOVED it. Even made the All-Star team every summer, lettered my Freshman year of high school and LOVED my teammates. It's so important to be part of something bigger than you. (Thank you Mom for shoving a huge mitt on my hand and shoving me out of the car to my first practice when I was a mere 7-years-old and was wondering WTF I was supposed to be doing?!)


32. I have arranged my book shelf in rainbow colors and I totally love it! People come over and see it and think I'm crazy but it's totally great and it's totally my favorite wall of my house....

Tell me this isn't the cutest??

33. Speaking of Middle School - I used to only use Grape or Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers. This kid in my art class used to eat them, which I thought was super disgusting.

34.  Speaking of Middle School - I have the same hair comb from like, the 6th-grade, no joke.  It has gone with me on countless camping trips, life in other countries, concert festivals, relatives' houses, college, summer camps, sleep-overs, etc. How crazy is that? And I've never gotten another one because I've never had to! Ha!

35.  This song makes me want to be a song writer - which I've never given much thought to but now, after hearing this, I may have to give it a think!

Click Here To Hear

36.  I never set my alarm clock to end with a 0 or a 5. It's always at like 7:02 or 8:28.

Unacceptable.

37.  My birthday is July 18.  And I am a summer baby.  This is a fact.  But to all my Australian and New Zealand mates (I'm lookin' at you Z....) I am a winter baby.  Also, unacceptable.

Lost Solez the Third

I thought we should start my birthday month (Notice the new mustache pic in honor of July?) with a bang.

The third installment of Lost Solez!!

These are all little gifts given to me from YOU!

Paia, Hawaii                          Whitney & Loli

Hwy 15, Montana                  My Mama

La Perouse, Hawaii                            My Husband

Poli Poli, Hawaii      Chelsea & Linda
(It's right at the base of the Buddha Log!)

Missoula, Montana    Ally & Davey Ray Romance

*Bonus Picture

Missoula, Montana                  Cat & Ally 

There are many more pix from many more of you - so no worries if you don't have yours up yet - it will be!!

And seriously, it's my birthday month, so all I want from you is more lost solez!  Email me at lostsolezpix@gmail.com or just straight up text a girl!

Yay July!!

The Garden(er) is IN!!

So we got the garden in the ground last week.  It was super fun and thank Sweet Baby Jesus (that's for my girl Chelsea!!) that the sun wasn't blazing down on us for the 4 hours.

See here's the thing about gardening that I had failed to remember..... It's. Hard. Fucking. Work.

Seriously, I thought I gave my old butt a hernia digging 4 wheelbarrows worth of our compost. (Mental note: Do NOT compost coconuts as their little coconut fibers grow all willy-nilly and it's hard to break them apart.)

Now I realize why people hire illegal immigrants - I would have gladly paid $4 dollars and watched Pedro do all the work while I drank a Corona and read a book.

I'm Kidding.  (Sorta.....)

So here's the process:

Wet Newspaper

Peat Moss and Boyfriends

Barn Material
 (ie. Chicken Shit and Chicken Coop Wood Chips)

Actual Bagged Chicken Shit = Smells like SHIT

HEY - there's some HAY

Our own compost. 

Green Material (ie. Sugar Cane)

Soil

HEY - more Hay!!

Peat Moss

Then you cover it with black plastic and let that stuff bake into VEGGIE CRACK for about 6 weeks!!

We have been composting for about 2 years now and the amount of worms and cockroaches in it was INSANE! Seriously - I should be making those guys pay rent!! 

Worm Love.

But my little Gardening Sister still thought we should be spraying some microorganisms to help break all the layers down - I'm glad she had some handy.....

Microorganism Spray Love

So - it looks like it's heating up under there - we will see at the end of July how things pan out.

Until then - Corona drinking and book reading it is!

Gardening Feet = Happy Feet.

This Bud is NOT for you!

Today I got catcalled and whistled at by a car full of teenage boys. It sorta caught me off guard as I had just gotten off work and was feeling tired and hungry and I was thinking about all the shit I had to do when I got home.

And then they started whistling and being all teenage boy-y.  I'm not one of those girls that get all offended at this kind of shit - and I'm also not one of those girls that think they really mean it too. But it was fun to be reminded that I am a woman and that maybe I can still get noticed time and again..... even after 6 or 7 years of marriage. (I really can't remember and when I just asked Z - he can't remember either.... meh?! 6 or 7 whateves.)

Lesson Learned?

Catcalling Rulz!!!!

This reminded me of this one time my friend and I met at our local watering-hole one random afternoon while in college.  We had just gotten done with a day of mid-term testing and just need to DRINK A BEER!!!

So we met at like 4:00. There wasn't  many other people at the bar and we saddled up at one end and each ordered a beer.  So there we were shooting the shit, complaining about how we probably could have studied harder, when a fresh beer magically appeared in front of my friend.  She told the bartender that she hadn't ordered another beer yet and the bartender smiled and told her another person at the end of the bar wanted to buy her a beer because she was cute.

So we look at the other end of the bar and see a half-passed out drunk/homeless man and a woman with  some bad-ass tattoos, whom we had never seen before.

My friend looks at me? I don't know what's going on. And then the woman raises her beer to my friend.

Oh.

My friend kinda shrugs and thanks the lady. 

This Bud is NOT FOR YOU.....

 I look down at my almost empty beer and am COMPLETELY DEVASTATED and CONFUSED.

Let me explain:

A.  Not to toot my own horn, but in my college days, I was cute. Not like - cutest-girl-in-the-bar-cute, but like, hold-my-own-cute; so this not getting a beer bought for me thing was like, total foreign territory.

B.  I don't care if I'm not a lesbian. (And for the record I don't care who is or who isn't - it's all good in my hood!) But that woman still chose to buy my blonde-haired, big-smile, cute and bubbly friend a beer and NOT ME!!!

C.  It was like being picked last at kickball (which NEVER happened to me because I was ATHLETIC and CUTE, remember??!!)

My friend didn't even bat an eye and just drank that beer.  I pretended it didn't bother me all the while trying to figure out what was so great about HER and NOT ME???

Or doesn't get a beer from a gal at the bar.....

Now this is not one of my proud moments; jealousy and envy are distant feelings that are rare to me now that I am in my thirties (Thank Gawd.)

 I see now - 10 years later that:

A.  It's wasn't about me and it wasn't a personal reflection of who I am as a person.  I should have been stoked for my friend that someone thought she was cute and wanted to make her day a little brighter.

B.  My self-worth is not measured by beer bought for me at a danky-ass pub.  

And most of all:

C.  That lady just obviously preferred blondes.

Meh?!