Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Mother F-ing G.A.R.D.E.N.

So I've decided to grow a garden.

And not a "I have some herbs in a pot so oooh come and look at my garden" kinda garden - but a mother f-in' G.A.R.D.E.N.

A mother f-ing G.A.R.D.E.N. 
(Not MY mother f-ing G.A.R.D.E.N. but S.O.O.N.!!)

I sorta have a little OCD so these perfectly straight rows make me jizz a little in my gardening gloves.

So anywho - my good friend who does gardening for a living (How cool is that? And she's just cute as a button and I love her.) came over and we ran into town to get stuff to make a "Lasagna Garden". Basically it's like 6 layers of a whole bunch of shit that you put on top of the ground and then cover it up with some black garbage bags for about 6 weeks and - WALLAH - it magically turns into veggie growing crack!!

Lasagna Garden Drug Addicts Meeting
"Hello, my name is Orange..."
"Hi Orange."

So I'm kinda excited but kinda nervous because my green thumb has never been green, more like brown.    Kinda like the color of most of my plants. They all start out so good and then end up dying on me somehow. This is a constant reminder that if I can't have a plant, than may I never have children..... Right? 

It's crazy because my mother has the greenist thumb I know!!  If there was ever a house with more oxygen than others - it was mine!!  I grew up in a jungle of plants!  (Would that make her like "Jungle Woman"?)

Maybe. But my mom's totally hotter - right Ma?  
We had big plants, small plants, ferny plants and prickly plants. We had long dangly plants that my mom would wrap around assorted house-hold things and then we had plants that grew so tall they would slowly start to lean over in this drunken-frat boy sort of way.  We had plants that would bloom flowers around Christmas time and plants that would have killed out miniature Poodle (R.I.P. Mini) if she would have eaten them. We had purple plants and red plants, plants in the kitchen and plants in the bathrooms.

And now she has all that AND a kick-ass garden plus an amazing backyard full of flowers to boot.

Here's hoping that there is some sort of green gene-thing deep rooted in me. That or if I can't grow veggies in a TROPICAL RAINFOREST than there is seriously something wrong with me.

It claims "No Digging! No Tilling! No Weeding! No Kidding!"
This better be true or Imma cut a bitch.

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