Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Chicken Coop Chronicles

I have been so busy lately that I think I may have forgotten how to write.

Let's see - what story can I tell you.

Did you guys know that one time I was stuck in a chicken coop for like an hour in like snowy-ass 5 degree weather?
Find me!

Okay, that wasn't really a picture of the chicken coop - add like 5 feet more snow and add night time/pitch dark up in the mix and add the fact that I had just gotten back from the gym and was wearing work out pants and a tank top with a long sleeve shirt over the top and tennis shoes.  Sprinkle in the fact that this story involves a 5 month-old chocolate lab named Fudge 

Ahhhhh.... (Again, not the real Fudge but you get the gist.)

and top it off with 1 mean ass rooster that wanted to kill me 

I hate you, Ozzy. (Yet again, not the real Ozzy but pretty dang close.)

Put it out in the freezing-ass Vermont cold and this is what you get.......

"Moooommmm," I whine, "I'm stuck in the chicken coop."
"You're what?" my mom asks, stifling a laugh.
"I'm locked in the chicken coop because I went to put them in for the night after I got back from the gym so I shut the chain link door behind me but that little dog Fudge that lives here followed me and jumped up on the door and pushed the latch down and now it's locked and I can't get out."
"Well, where's Z," my mom asked.
 "He's painting the main house, which is like 200 yards away. I can see him in the window but it's dark down here by the barn and he can't see me." 
"Have you tried calling the house?" mom asked.
"Yes, but the family that we are house sitting for is at their 3rd house in Jackson Hole, Wyoming all the way on the other side of the country so they have the house number rerouted so they can take all their calls there and because this is like the second week working for them I'm not going call them and let them know I am a farm-failure."
"Oh, honey," mom said. "Are you cold? It's like 7:30 at night in January in Vermont."
"I'm freezing," I whine.  "I've been in here for like 20 minutes and I can't feel my toes and it's snowing and I'm not wearing a hat or gloves or even a jacket."
"You're not wearing your hat?" mom asked accusingly.
"What? Oh - um, no. God mom,  I was just coming home from the gym and thought I would quickly pull down the chicken hatch and drive up to the house and say Hi to Z. I wasn't planning on being outside for this long on a little dinner date/meet and greet with the chickens."

It then dawns on me that I might fricking get frost bite and lose my toes and then I will never be able to wear flip-flops or dance the tango and so of course I start to cry; which just made my face freeze and made the dog upset and start to whine.

"Is that the dog?" mom asked.
"Yes, she's whining and trying to dig underneath the door," I explained. "I think she knows I'm stuck in here."
"Oh, that's kinda cute," mom sighs.

You are NOT cute.
"It's not cute!" I cry. "OMG I'm going to freeze to death in a chicken coop at the age of 23. This sucks and you're going to hear the whole thing. Then you won't think it's very cute."
"Honey, you are over reacting."
"I'm a little cold, mom. I'm sorry."
"Can you go into where the chickens sleep - it must be warm."
"I would rather freeze to death then have Ozzy peck my eyeballs out."
"Yes, that rooster does have it in for you."
"I threw a 2x4 at him earlier today," I said. "What time is it now?'
"5:45 my time so 7:45 your time," mom answered.
"I've been in here for a half hour," I'm going to do some jumping jacks and see if I can squeeze in with the chickens and all of their chicken shit and disgustingness."
"Good idea," mom agrees. "Call me in 5 minutes."

So I do some jogging in place and jump around, which gets the dog all riled up and barking. I think that maybe Z will look outside if he hears barking so I run around and scream and jump and act like a mad woman. The dog barks even louder. Z doesn't notice a thing. I start to sing songs and pet the dog threw the chain link. I giggle a little because it's like the opposite of a dog shelter. Like I'm hoping Fudge picks me and takes me to her warm home. I think I may be going insane because I'm so cold. I'm still shivering so at least my body hasn't shut down yet. 

I try to crawl into the chicken box. It  is warm-ish in there. The chickens are all huddled together in one long line of fowl but then a head pokes up from the feathers and I see

so I shimmy back out and call me mom.

"Ozzy is giving me the stink eye."
"Honey, you have to get warm and you have to call the police."
"OMG mom, I'm not calling the police! It will take them a half hour to get out here and then they're gonna have to cut the fence and then we will lose this job and we really need this job to save some money."
"Well, what are you going to do? Wait for hours until Z is done painting?"
"I'm not sure. I can't think. I'm really cold and sleepy."
"Hang up. Hang up right now." my mom said all panicky. "I'm calling the cops."
"Wait, I see a car coming up our driveway!" I exclaim. "I think it's the neighbors - Fudge's parents! OMG! OMG! I gotta go, mom."

So again, I proceed to yell and scream and jump and act like a crazy woman.  The lady lives on the same property as us but I've never really had a complete conversation with her yet. She pulls her warm white Land Rover over and rolls down her window.

"Hey Fudge!" she exclaims as the dog rushes over to her. "Hey In There?" (I know she says this because she doesn't remember my name.)
"Hi, OMG can you please let me out. I'm stuck in here. I've been stuck in here for like an hour. Your dog jumped on the outside latch and pushed it down and I'm freezing."
"OMG - you've been stuck out here in the cold and dark in that chicken coop with Ozzy?"
She starts laughing, "I'm surprised you have your eyes still."

She lets me out and I get into her warm car to make the 30 foot drive to her house. We go inside and she puts on some tea.

"I can't believe you were in that chicken coop for so long. Why didn't you just call your husband at the main house?" She asks, still laughing. She hands me a piping hot tea and Fudge curls on my lap and I start to explain. 

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