Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Random Facts: HO HO HO HOliday Style

I thought I would do a Random Fact blog about Christmas.

Tis the Season

1.  One year when I was around 3 or 4, one of my crazy-ass Uncles, or maybe it was one of their crazy-ass friends, dressed up like Santa Claus and came to the house.  Me and my cousin were the only kids at that time and I remember thinking that we must have been Really Good that year for The Big Guy to stop in just for little ole' us in little ole' Havre, Montana. I also remember thinking how Santa was a little too skinny from what I could recall and that maybe he was even a little drunk? Didn't matter either way - it was the best!!

2.  Unfortunately it was a mere year later when I found the incriminating evidence that Santa was a fake.  It was the year I had gotten a kitchen set for Christmas.

Kinda like this one, except mine was red. 
And I LOVED this kitchen set and pretending I was cooking.  (Which is kinda ironic since I don't love to cook now.) Apparently,  those same crazy-ass Uncles had spent the better part of Christmas Eve putting the thing together and apparently they thought it would be funny to stick their Miller Lite cans in the little tiny refrigerator (which is super funny now that I think of it) and apparently they thought they should take pictures of the whole "kitchen set schennanigans." And my little self found them and put two and two together. And the Santa Claus dream was dead.

Especially when you put the beer in their Kitchen Play Sets!

3.  My mom bought me my first car. A 1989 Nissan Sentra.

Look Mom!! 

And I got in on Christmas and it had a big red bow on it.  Seriously, how spoiled was I?  Shit, what I wouldn't give to have there be a completely PAID FOR car in our driveway this year.....grrrr......

4.  The one time I seriously thought I was going to die was when me, my friends D & A were driving home for Christmas break from college. D's car was like a front wheel drive death machine and we had to go over a mountain pass in Montana in a blizzard. Okay, it wasn't just any old mountain pass it was at the CONTINENTAL DIVIDE where on one side is a mountain and the other side is a 5, 610 foot drop. 

This doesn't even do it justice. Meh.

So here we are, 19 years old, D is driving like 10 miles an hour (as you SHOULD do in a situation like this) and she is hysterically crying. I am in the passenger seat trying to not shit my pants and A is like, dead silent in the back. We all are CONVINCED we are going to slide right off the side of the cliff and die. They have sheriff deputies out on the road and big semis are jack knifed and plows are trying their best to get the roads quasi-decent and it's just a fucking nightmare but we are in the middle of nowhere and we have to keep going. We are all smoking cigarettes even tho it's -10 degrees outside and D has the kind of asthma that's totally deadly but she decides to smoke her first cigarette because her nerves are shot. And we are all going to die anyways so we don't even give a shit. A sheriff comes over to our car that is idling on the road, waiting for the snow plows and D asks him if he could just drive us across the pass because she doesn't think we will make it. He laughs and I wanted to claw his eyes out. We made it but BARELY, stupid jerk-face Sheriff dude.

5.  This is one of my most favorite Christmas traditions from my New Zealand side of the family.

Christmas Cracker Crowns
Crackers are really cool! What isn't so cool is that Christmas is in the summer....

Say Whaaaaa?

I know, RIGHT?
Me: So, growing up you didn't sing "Frosty the Snowman?"

Z: No.

Me: So there was no, "Dashing through the snow, on a one-horse open sleigh?"

Z: Nope.

Me: No "chestnuts on an open fire?"

Z: Yes! Yes! There were those!!

Me: Well thank F-ing Gawd.

Happy Holidays to You and Yours!!  

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