This Bud is NOT for you!

Today I got catcalled and whistled at by a car full of teenage boys. It sorta caught me off guard as I had just gotten off work and was feeling tired and hungry and I was thinking about all the shit I had to do when I got home.

And then they started whistling and being all teenage boy-y.  I'm not one of those girls that get all offended at this kind of shit - and I'm also not one of those girls that think they really mean it too. But it was fun to be reminded that I am a woman and that maybe I can still get noticed time and again..... even after 6 or 7 years of marriage. (I really can't remember and when I just asked Z - he can't remember either.... meh?! 6 or 7 whateves.)

Lesson Learned?

Catcalling Rulz!!!!

This reminded me of this one time my friend and I met at our local watering-hole one random afternoon while in college.  We had just gotten done with a day of mid-term testing and just need to DRINK A BEER!!!

So we met at like 4:00. There wasn't  many other people at the bar and we saddled up at one end and each ordered a beer.  So there we were shooting the shit, complaining about how we probably could have studied harder, when a fresh beer magically appeared in front of my friend.  She told the bartender that she hadn't ordered another beer yet and the bartender smiled and told her another person at the end of the bar wanted to buy her a beer because she was cute.

So we look at the other end of the bar and see a half-passed out drunk/homeless man and a woman with  some bad-ass tattoos, whom we had never seen before.

My friend looks at me? I don't know what's going on. And then the woman raises her beer to my friend.

Oh.

My friend kinda shrugs and thanks the lady. 

This Bud is NOT FOR YOU.....

 I look down at my almost empty beer and am COMPLETELY DEVASTATED and CONFUSED.

Let me explain:

A.  Not to toot my own horn, but in my college days, I was cute. Not like - cutest-girl-in-the-bar-cute, but like, hold-my-own-cute; so this not getting a beer bought for me thing was like, total foreign territory.

B.  I don't care if I'm not a lesbian. (And for the record I don't care who is or who isn't - it's all good in my hood!) But that woman still chose to buy my blonde-haired, big-smile, cute and bubbly friend a beer and NOT ME!!!

C.  It was like being picked last at kickball (which NEVER happened to me because I was ATHLETIC and CUTE, remember??!!)

My friend didn't even bat an eye and just drank that beer.  I pretended it didn't bother me all the while trying to figure out what was so great about HER and NOT ME???

Or doesn't get a beer from a gal at the bar.....

Now this is not one of my proud moments; jealousy and envy are distant feelings that are rare to me now that I am in my thirties (Thank Gawd.)

 I see now - 10 years later that:

A.  It's wasn't about me and it wasn't a personal reflection of who I am as a person.  I should have been stoked for my friend that someone thought she was cute and wanted to make her day a little brighter.

B.  My self-worth is not measured by beer bought for me at a danky-ass pub.  

And most of all:

C.  That lady just obviously preferred blondes.

Meh?!

A Mother F-ing G.A.R.D.E.N.

So I've decided to grow a garden.

And not a "I have some herbs in a pot so oooh come and look at my garden" kinda garden - but a mother f-in' G.A.R.D.E.N.

A mother f-ing G.A.R.D.E.N. 
(Not MY mother f-ing G.A.R.D.E.N. but S.O.O.N.!!)

I sorta have a little OCD so these perfectly straight rows make me jizz a little in my gardening gloves.

So anywho - my good friend who does gardening for a living (How cool is that? And she's just cute as a button and I love her.) came over and we ran into town to get stuff to make a "Lasagna Garden". Basically it's like 6 layers of a whole bunch of shit that you put on top of the ground and then cover it up with some black garbage bags for about 6 weeks and - WALLAH - it magically turns into veggie growing crack!!

Lasagna Garden Drug Addicts Meeting
"Hello, my name is Orange..."
"Hi Orange."

So I'm kinda excited but kinda nervous because my green thumb has never been green, more like brown.    Kinda like the color of most of my plants. They all start out so good and then end up dying on me somehow. This is a constant reminder that if I can't have a plant, than may I never have children..... Right? 


It's crazy because my mother has the greenist thumb I know!!  If there was ever a house with more oxygen than others - it was mine!!  I grew up in a jungle of plants!  (Would that make her like "Jungle Woman"?)

Maybe. But my mom's totally hotter - right Ma?  

We had big plants, small plants, ferny plants and prickly plants. We had long dangly plants that my mom would wrap around assorted house-hold things and then we had plants that grew so tall they would slowly start to lean over in this drunken-frat boy sort of way.  We had plants that would bloom flowers around Christmas time and plants that would have killed out miniature Poodle (R.I.P. Mini) if she would have eaten them. We had purple plants and red plants, plants in the kitchen and plants in the bathrooms.

And now she has all that AND a kick-ass garden plus an amazing backyard full of flowers to boot.

Here's hoping that there is some sort of green gene-thing deep rooted in me. That or if I can't grow veggies in a TROPICAL RAINFOREST than there is seriously something wrong with me.

It claims "No Digging! No Tilling! No Weeding! No Kidding!"
This better be true or Imma cut a bitch.

Lost Solez II

Hey! 

Welcome to the second installment of Lost Solez!!! (If you missed the first one click here.) 

I've been getting lots of help from my REAL friends - so to all you ELSE out there who haven't sent me anything but have seen a lost sole and didn't take action - that was meant for YOU and it was meant to HURT YOUR FEELINGS so next time you will HAVE to turn around and take the FRICKING picture because you will be thinking about how much we are friends - even if we are just blog friends - and about how much you want to be a part of this really cool project and about how cool I am and how pretty I am and about how.........

Maliko Gulch, Hawaii                                   Sam Howard

Haiku, Hawaii                         Melea M  

Hana Highway, Hawaii                     T-Dubya

Kahului, Hawaii                                    T-Dubya

Lewistown, Montana           Stacy & Tayler 

 *Bonus Picture*

Great Falls, Montana                    T-Dubya

There are plenty more where these came from. so if your lost sole isn't up here yet - not to worry - it will be!! But I would love more from all of you. My goal with this is to beg/plead/sell my soul/whore myself out to my editor to make a coffee table book..... So if you want to be a part of this awesomeness than keep your eyes peeled and take the picture!!

But let me refresh you with the rules just one more time......

#1.  You can't rig up some fake-ass picture, like throwing your old-balls shoe out the door and snapping a picture. (Where's the fun in that?) Which leads me to rule #2.

#2.  So no touching, moving, positioning, spit shining of the lost sole is allowed - you gotta take the pictures organically, as it is, some pictures are just going to be boring and some will be fantastic - this is life.
#3. If you see something really picture worthy that's not a lost sole but just as funny and random then I will accept those as well for the *Bonus Picture* portion of our program - maybe it's a sock, maybe it's a funny sign, whatever - let's keep shit spicy - this is life.

Please email me your pictures to lostsolezpix@gmail.com or send me a text if you know my phone number and your name or alias and the town/state/country they came from! 

And if this book really happens and I become a millionaire - I will fly you out to see me....... maybe...... but only if you think I'm pretty.

Kill It, Stuff It and Stick 'Er Up on the Wall........ BEER!!!!!

Hey y'all!

Imma writin' this from the good ole' state of Montana.  So Imma guessin' you could call this a "travel blog" or somethin'...

Just Kidding.

But tis true  - I thought I would sneak in a little word vomit - Montana style.

You know what I fuckin' love about this place? (Besides my mom and family and friends and the mountains and wild flowers and clean air.)

You see shit like this in all our watering holes!!! (Sorry about the crap pixels but they're from my phone so I had to blow them up a bit.)

Nothing says BEER like a dead head on the wall -
be it a moose or a bison or an elk. 

Or an antelope (?) or a big ass trout.....BEER!!!!!!!

Why is this bear interested in that honey....
there's like 50 bucks on this wall -
grab the cash and buy yourself that shit from the store, buddy.
No nasty bee stings necessary!

No Duh.

Seriously you guys - how can you not LOVE a place like this!!??!

So the reason why I am here and didn't mention anything about it before is because it was a surprise for my mom for Mother's Day and guess what - I KEPT IT A SECRET!!!!

"She kept her big mouth shut for once."
"Holy Shit. Hell just froze over."

I know!!!!!!!!  

And ya know what else? Secret keeping is so fun! (My mom totally shat herself when I walked in. WINNING!!!!)

But don't worry - that's where the secret-keeping ends, buddies. How else would I be able to write on here if I didn't lay out all my shit??

Coming up soon - when I get back to the islands - more lost solez.... thank you to all who are keeping their eyes out and have sent me some pics!! I have found some GEMS here.....

(Have you seen any?? Make sure to take a picture and email them to me at lostsolezpix@gmail.com Let me know where they are from and your name or alias!!)

Oh wait - here's one more secret you can pass on.....

Same goes for Hawaii.....

Lost Solez

OMG you guys.

I have been waiting to lay this little number on y'all.

Many of you knew this was coming and it's official.

The  LOST SOLEZ  portion of my blog has arrived!!!

WTF is Lost Solez??

I'm so happy you asked! Let's call it an ode, no -  let's call it a "Propa' Ode" -  to the "One Shoe Phenomena".

You know when you're driving/walking/staggering along and you see some random ass shoe on the road/sidewalk/parking lot and you think "how the hell did that get there?"  or "what's the story behind that abandoned little gem" or "haha look at that shoe in the middle of the road!"

These are the pictures of those lost solez; never to be worn again - well maybe by a crazy ass bum - never to be reunited with it's other sole mate, always to be thought of as footwear-roadkill for eternity.

I have been seeing these so much lately that I thought I would start my own little shrine.

Specklesville, Hawaii                                                      T-Dubya

Kuau, Hawaii                                                           T-Dubya

Huelo, Hawaii                                                         T-Dubya

Ho'okipa Beach Park, Hawaii                                                                   T-Dubya

Haiku, Hawaii                                                          T-Dubya

*Bonus Picture*

Peahi, Hawaii                                                                                             T-Dubya

For now these have been taken by me on my day to day adventures. Some are taken by camera if I happen to have it with me, and trust me I am no photographer, so it's not like it's on me at all times (And if we are being honest nothing screams TOURIST like a camera-necklace and I, my good friends, have called these Hawaiian Isles home for 5 years now and I am NOT keen on lookin' like a tourist.) or they are taken by my phone so they aren't the best pictures but we'll do what we can. Word? Word.

Also, I would LOVE to have you guys keeping your eyes open for random lost solez and you can email me them and I will post them on this blog - along with your name or a fake name or whatever you want to be called and the town/state/country they came from.

Here are the rules tho:
#1.  You can't rig up some fake-ass picture, like throwing your old-balls shoe out the door and snapping a picture. (Where's the fun in that?) Which leads me to rule #2.
#2.  So no touching, moving, positioning, spit shining of the lost sole is allowed - you gotta take the pictures organically, as it is, some pictures are just going to be boring and some will be fantastic - this is life.
#3. If you see something really picture worthy that's not a lost sole but just as funny and random then I will accept those as well for the *Bonus Picture* portion of our program - maybe it's a sock, maybe it's a funny sign, whatever - let's keep shit spicy - this is life.

So - keep your eyes peeled and your camera ready - you're going to be surprised at how many lost solez you see now!  Please email me your pictures to lostsolezpix@gmail.com and your name or alias and the town/state/country they came from! I'm excited to see what we can get!

Happy Lost Solez spotting!!

**Disclaimer*** I am not held responsible for the weird looks and/or honks you will receive after you spot a lost sole and promptly whip your car to the side of the road, jump out, looking like a total spazoid to shoot a random picture of a nasty old shoe as opposed to the beautiful scenery around you. Just do it and forget about those people driving by - you probably won't see their asses again anyway! 

Going Postal

I have come to the realization that there has to be some sort of shift in my life.  

I had this realization when I was driving to one of my five jobs last Friday after my talking-on-the-phone-while-in-the-car-cry-fest with Z.  

I have no time! I've only written one blog this whole month. And don't even think I've had a second to work on my second book! I feel too pulled in a million different directions and too tired since I've been waking up at 5:45 to work out for NO REASON/ NO RESULTS. I would KILL someone for a day off. Okay, not KILL but HIT IN THE FACE for sures. And I mean a whole day off from working-out, cleaning the house, washing dishes, walking the dog, cooking, showering etc.

I know this is life but this is not the life I want. Something's gotta give, man.

And I know this is the truth and not me just being a baby because I got this little gem from my mailman.

WTF USPS???

Okay, not the mustache card that is so cleverly hiding our address but this "Your Mailbox Needs Attention" bullshit. Have you ever seen anything like this before??  It's like when we used to get pink slips from teachers in grade school. You know the ones where you had to give the pink slip to your mom and she would sign them to show that she read them and then you had to bring it back to your teacher so that your teacher knew that your mom now knew that you had a big mouth and was talking during reading time? Yeah - it's kinda like that, but for grow-ups. And now I feel bad.

I just got pink-slipped by my mother f-ing mailman.  Geez. I'm sorry I couldn't add frickin' YARD WORK to my list of things there, sir.

Two things here:
1.  You spelled Bougainvillea wrong. Ugh. (enter eye-roll here)
2. Are you a doctor or a mailman because I can barely read your writing.

I mean - give me a break Mr. Mailman. You are going to "Stop Delivery Service" "ASAP" if I don't trim the Bougainvillea right this very second. Wow, you're acting a tad bitchy/bossy for someone in public service, buddy.

So, of course, I get the pruning sheers out and trim the bush that supposedly "almost took out his eye".  What a drama queen. But the United States Postal Service is full of them, hence the whole term - going postal - you know?

So now I think my mail man must think we are some crack heads living in our crack head house with our crack head flower bushes. And he did have a little point because that hot-pink bush was getting outta hand, but DO NOT disrespect me with the USPS version of the pink slip, okay.

Wanna know why?

Neither, Sucka....

It looks like this!!!!

Guess Who's Back. Back. Back. Back Again.

I'm here! I'm here!

I will not rant about how FRICKING BUSY I have been and how it's kinda been fun because I'm working with my friends but geez-louise how the days just all blend into one another and how one of my goods friend's due date was on one of the BUSIEST week of my life and OMG she's going into labor and OMG she was in labor for like 38 hours or was it 46 never-mind it was LONG and then we were all waiting for the moment we could head up to the hospital and meet the newest lady of the group, meanwhile I'm on my 5th 10-hour-day in a row and am dreaming of my work so then it doesn't even feel like I left god I hate that shit and did I mention I'm Editor-in-Chief of this really cool magazine and it's HARD-ASS WORK and maybe we will be posting it online in hopes we will get paid to do it one day (instead of advertisers almost-not-really paying for the printing) and then baby Loli Rian is here I just want to stare at her and hold her and this has me pushing Z away because she is so perfect she might just make me cave and have a baby sometime soon and then how the hell would I have a baby and get EVERYTHING else done and OMG my house is a complete bachelor pad and we are drinking water out of coffee mugs because there is not a single clean glass and we are knee deep in dog hair and now I have 10 loads of laundry to do because Z just sold his first wooden surfboard he built and now all he can do/think/jack-off about is building more and yeah I said jack-off - calm down - and then I cleaned the house for like 9 hours and then finally got to eat some Ahi Sashmi and drink a glass of wine and then I felt all better.

Do we need some Snoop Dog to calm us all down?

YES?!

Okay.....

This one is for a certain MT lady who is a loyal reader....

but I may have to doubt her and my cousin's sincerity because I do not believe they have

 TAKEN THE TIME TO BECOME ACTUAL FOLLOWERS....ahem, Butte Beauties.... Imma talkin' to you!

Wow - I feel so much better!

Enough of the ranting. Geez it even extended to photo-captions - I'm on a roll ladies and gentlemen....

But I am back and I am ready to unfold some glorious word-vomiting all over you just as soon as I lay on my couch for the remainder of this day......

Except my robe is white and I am way more tan than her and
I would never have a brown couch. Ewe.