Girly Things.

Yeah I’m just gonna go ahead and go here.

I’m a waxer.

No, I don’t work at a car wash. No, I’m not a janitor. No, I'm not the Karate Kid; nor am I an esthetician. (Look it up.)

I mean, I am the one getting waxed. And we ain’t talking about my face people. I do not have facial hair, but I do have many, many bikinis. I am in a bikini pretty much every day of my life. (And just in case you are new to this blog, I am not a Sports Illustrated model, I happen to live in Hawaii and be the proud renter of this pool.)

I also enjoy swimming in the much, much larger pool off in the distance as well.

So, I get waxed, you know, down there. It’s just a little piece of mind knowing that I don’t have to worry that I am not unintentionally announcing to everyone that yes, I have indeed reached puberty.

Don’t worry, this is not going to be an instant replay about my last waxing appointment in which my lovely (really, truly, she’s pretty great) waxer yanked out my curly-Q’s while I thought in my head “Owshitmotherfuckerdonkeyballswhore!!!!” Or how we talk about her twins and their cute little antics all the while my hoo-hoo is in plain view. I’m not even going to mention how fucking awkward it is when she waxes er,…….me bum.

My point is……….........

For some weird reason I have started to paint my fingernails. (Stay with me.)

This may not seem odd but it is something I have never, in my almost 30 (gasp!) years of having fingernails, done.

And I got the clear bottom coat and clear top coat to put on as well. (If I'm gonna do something wild & crazy your G.D. right I am gonna do it real good and proper. RESPECT.)

My mom had really nice finger nails while I was growing up. Well, she still does but I'm not sure she gets them done professionally anymore. But when she was they were always soooooo pretty. I used to be excited to see what color she had on after she went and got her nails "did".

So maybe it's just genetics but I'm really excited about all the color possibilities that nail polishes have to offer!!

Such as grey. On a hot hot husband.

Although I'm pretty sure my mom never rocked the grey nails.

Or lavender. On a cute cute Boyfriend.

You see, on my last waxing appointment I was a little early (Because who isn't super excited about waxing your most sensitive body part??) and I had me a look-see around the joint. I stumbled upon their ridiculously huge nail polish section.

And I thought - well why the hell not? I may look like I am 6 years old "down there" but I now look all grown -up and rock-starish "up here"!

Random Facts III

17. Whenever I watch Top Chef I feel like I, too, have a deep passion for cooking. That damn show tricks me into thinking that I am a culinary-diva. I look at cooking magazines and rip out all these new recipes I want to try, I buy stupid lemon zesting tools and glass prep bowls, I have 2 really cute aprons......only to have them all collecting dust. Why would I cook when Whole Foods has such a good prepared food section???

18. Z and I danced to Bob Marley as our first wedding song and even though he can't dance to save his life - it was one of the sweetest moments of mine.

19. I am a very good friend, a ride-or-die bitch if you will, and I want nothing less in return. I could be a better wife/daughter/dog-owner/writer though........

20. I am in love with old people. Especially my Grandma. She's the bee's knees. (My mom is going to hate this next sentence, but please don't hold it against me or your mother!) No one in my family, besides my Grandma, knew that I used to smoke in college, well and in high school too, but when I was in college my G-ma and I used to "smoke and joke" together. That's what we would call it - "smoke and joke". It was like our little secret . If you took out the "slowly killing ourselves" aspect of it, the time we spent together "smoking and joking" was really fun.*

Hey, ya wanna smoke and joke?

Yes, Grandma, and please never take off that hat - like ever. You are the cutest.

21. I only like to purchase really fun stamps. I always ask to see the entire stamp selection at the post office. I know this annoys some people in line behind me because I can tell by their audible groans, but this girl ain't buying no generic forever bell stamp bullshit. I especially like the ones where they come on a sheet and you have to find them because they are hidden into the background.; like "Creatures of the Sea" or "Friends of the Forest" and then there will be a random squirrel stamp hidden amongst the trees. I think the USPS is too cool.

This is one of the sheets! How much better are these stamps than your average Joe's??

It's the little things people, it's the little things!

22. I listen to National Public Radio. Although Hawaii's NPR is not nearly as good as Montana's was, I still get to listen to my favorite show - This American Life - for free as a podcast. (Thank f-ing god.) I also think I may have a crush on Ira Glass.......

23. One time when I was at my best friend's house, I looked out the window and saw a hot dog walking down the street. It wasn't advertising anything; it was just a person dressed like a hot dog walking down some random street in July. I quickly jumped up, ran out the front door and yelled, "Hey, Hot Dog!" The hot dog turned to look at me and I realized I didn't really know what to say. So I just waved at him. He or she waved back at me. And that was that.

*Please note I am a smoke-free zone now. Unless you count my bachelorette party, but that was a long, long time ago.

M to the T

Wow - ten days since my last post...... naughty, naughty. At least I changed the layout up a bit.....keep ya'll on your toes.

I really have nothing to report. Which I suppose is good news, right? Improv is done for the time being, been working a bit for a catering company, the husband and Boyfriend are all good!

I am going home to Montana in a month. So, so, so excited for some Montana summer! Been trying to get my cowboy boots back from New Zealand (I gave them to Z's sister but I don't think she wears them!) So hopefully they are in the mail so's I can bust them out in Montucky.

My girlfriends and I have dubbed my homecoming "Sun-dresses & Shit-kickers" so I want my boots back for the Dive-Bars, Country-Western Concerts, Rodeos and State Fairs!

Yee-Haw Ya'll!

(You can take the girl outta Montana.........!)

Graduation Station

My cousin just graduated from high school and I sent her some cash and a Dr. Seuss "Oh! The Places You'll Go" graduation card where I had written ten things I thought she should know. My family got a kick out of it so I decided to share it with blog-land. (It's written for a girl but you get the gist!)

My Top Ten List for Graduating High Schoolers

1. Don't do drugs that require snorting up your nose or sticking a needle in your arm.

2. Kiss a lot of boys but don't give just any boy your heart; make him work for that!

3. Nothing makes or breaks a friendship faster than becoming roommates - so choose your roomies very, very wisely!

4. It's perfectly okay to go out on a date just for the free dinner.

5. Let your parents buy you groceries and jumbo containers of shampoo and conditioner, tampons, dish soap, laundry soap, body soap, razors, Swedish Fish etc. from Costco.

6. Learn how to wait tables. It's really good money and you'll probably get a staff meal (so eat half for your dinner now and the other half for your lunch tomorrow - stretch that free shit out!) Plus being a waitress teaches you how to multi-task and how to deal with assholes - both very good skills for life.

7. Invest in a really, really good Fake I.D. Spend some money on it; this will save you embarrassing moments with bouncers and bartenders.

8. Don't be afraid to travel to far away places. Take a summer job at Lake Tahoe or do the foreign exchange program at college. Take a trip to Thailand. The people you will meet will change the course of your life.

9. Don't mix your hard alcohol with soda - the excess sugar will make you super-dooper hungover. Stick with beer or mix it with juice and/or water.

10. Remember your parents love you. Listen to them, they want only the best for you and whether you like it or not - they know more than you do!

Stachetastic!!

I don't even really need to explain how happy I was when I saw a box on my lanai ("porch" in Hawaiian - wait, you didn't know I was bilingual??!?) because I knew THIS was inside it........

Shut the f*ck up......

How could I even live this long without drinking from this mug????

Maybe I will do really mean morning pranks to unsuspecting people; so after I change the sugar for salt, I shall just drink my tea and nobody will even know it's really me.............perfect.