Killing for Two, Please.

My man and I had a date night on Saturday. We went to Happy Hour on the other side of the island - where it's all touristy and we feel like we are on vacation - Super Fun! Then we went to our friends new restaurant - was amazing! On the way home we stopped by this mall place so we could go to Whole Foods, but then we were distracted by the Fun Factory, that's inside of said mall.

In case you're outta the loop - the Fun Factory is a place where kids go to play games and the games spit out tickets that you can redeem for prizes. (Because who doesn't want to turn in their $20 worth of tickets for one pink plastic kazoo???? Totally not a rip-off!) The better you do at the game, the more tickets come spewing outta it.

Anywho - we decide to throw a couple of bucks in and have a bit of fun along side other people's children! First off - the basketball game where you compete with the other person to see who can make the most baskets. But Z is from New Zealand and basketball is not on the top of the sports list in Kiwi Land. Basically, he sucks at it. (Sorry babe, but you do!)

I, on the other hand, can not do this! (This is really him, too!)

I get 22 tickets from the b-ball game, Z gets 4. Then we switch to the skeet ball game. I get like 15 tickets , Z gets 6.

Then he decides no more sporty games, we are going to play the "Shoot the Elk" video game. Ewe, I am not playing a game where I kill something. I DO NOT kill things, ever. ( I cry at road kill, remember?)

(Please keep in mind, I grew up in Montana! A lot of people like to kill things, er I mean, hunt. That's fine, I'm (trying) not to judge but I personally think it's gross. Especially when they cheat and use those elk whistles; the big beautiful elk thinks the sound is coming from a hot horny cow - but it ain't - it's coming from a hunter who wants to slather you with A-1 and BBQ your ass up!!! It's not fair!! It would be like putting thirsty frat boys in a big field and having a keg in the middle of it - and when they saw it and start running for it, red keg cups in hand, you shoot at them! NOT COOL!!!!!)

Whoa, I went off on a tangent...... sorry. Please don't comment me on the fun facts of hunting and how winter kills more animals than hunters and population control and blah, blah, blah. Hunting is way cooler than lazily buying your meat for your family at the store! I get it - I don't want a part of it - but I get it!!

Back to the "Shooting the Elk" game. So, I played it, knowing I would suck at it and Z would feel better about winning. (I have to remember to let him feel like a big man sometimes but my competitiveness gets the better of me!) But I take one for the team and play the nasty-ass kill innocent animals game.

Also keep in mind I have never held a gun before either. Apparently you have to "pump" the fake gun after every shot - and this fake gun weighed a ton, so I'm sure a real gun is even more, but my arms and wrist hurt so bad; but again, I digress........... point is I beat his ass at the killing game too.

Wait - wha??????

Yeah - I shot those cartoon elk like I was Al f-ing Pacino at the end of Scarface....along with pheasants and other assorted cute animals.

I'm like Annie Frickin' Oakley!!!

But with a wayyyyyyy cuter dress!

I was excited to beat Z because I am a selfish and bratty wife, but my karma came later that night. I had nightmares that I kept on killing things and I did not want to be. I woke up sweaty and searching for my dog......

So no more killing games or pink plastic kazoos for this girl for awhile! I'm gonna hang up my gun and hug a tree.

Success!

Sorry I left ya hanging on the whole "shitting my pants over my improv night". I did not puke or pass out, I actually (dare I say) had a fun time! All that worrying for nothin'.

Typical.

I was exceptionally good at a particular improv game entitled, "Conclusions." Where my partner compliments me on something and then I "jump to conclusions," albeit in a funny, in-your-face way.

He told me he liked my t-shirt (Of course he liked my shirt I was wearing, it has a big ole' trout on the front and the shirt states, "High, Wide and Handsome...... Monfuckintana!" - It's like, thee best T-shirt ever.)

Looky what I found a picture of - I love you internet! (Please note these breasts are not mine, but I wish they were!)

Anyway, he tells me he likes my T-shirt (duh!) and I go off on something about him eating animals and how he likes to kill innocent things, and he says no, just trout and I say so you're a racist and he laughs and the class laughs and he tells me, he eats all animals and I pretend I am gagging and a member of PETA and he tells me I must be strong-willed and I ask him if he just called me a bitch and now he's all flusturted and the teacher's laughing and then he says no, he meant that it's good to stand up for your beliefs and I ask him if he's implying now that I am a hippie and if he thinks I am all about free love and how now I am offended that he wants to sleep with me.

Jumping to Conclusions!! Always a good time!

My partner told me I was really good at that game; I just smiled and shrugged and told him he should probably feel sorry for my husband then!

Also on an up-note: I was introduced yesterday to this younger boy that is in my friend's fashion design class and as he was shaking my hand he looked up at me and said, "Wow, you're really pretty."

How great is that????

(He obviously wasn't hitting on me, because as I stated earlier he is in my friends fashion-design class - so that just made it all the more sweeter.)

I'm not trying to brag, I don't particularly think I am much to look at compared to the rest of the beauties on the beaches here, I barley shower three times a week. I am merely pointing out that sometimes it is nice to hear nice things from people who are not your husband; even if that boy probably thinks Zac Efron is prettier than me, I'm still taking the god-damn compliment!

Fine - this boy is prettier than me, I'll agree.

Not So Funny

I have a little bit of a secret.

I am taking an improv comedy class. Today will be my second class.

I'm sorry I didn't ever really mention anything the last couple of weeks. It is so un-like me - I usually have no secrets. (Look at past blogs - I've only written a handful but I have already mentioned poop, tampon strings and my love for back-up dancing.) I didn't say anything about the class because..................

THE SHIT IS TERRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I signed up for it on a whim, well not on a whim, but it sounds more fun -

So I signed up for it on a whim and now here I am 4.5 hours from my second class and I feel like I'm going to puke or pass out or pass out in my puke. Take your pick.

See, here's the thing...............

I'M NOT AN ACTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can be sorta funny, maybe? Sometimes? But not on purpose, not on cue, not when 10 strangers are all staring at me!!!

In college, I opted to take "Acting for Non-Majors" instead of Public Speaking because I thought the acting one would at least be a little bit of fun. It wasn't - I was the only one in the whole class that didn't get an A. It was acting for non-actors, how hard could that be?? Show up, feel stupid, judge others on their stupidity and go on with my day...... no-a-way I sucked it up.

(Oh and P.S. It ruined my 4.0 for that semester - the only 4.0 I even had a chance to get in college. Bastards.)

Anyways - I saw this flyer for the improv class around town the exact day I told my husband how fun it would be to try something like improv and how great it would be for writing. (I would love to write for a show - Golden Girls, Saturday Night Live, Sex & the City, Flight of the Concords etc.)

So me being me, I took the timing of spotting the flyer as a sign from the great writing gods that I needed to go out on a limb and take the 4 week class. Well this limb's a shakin......and I'm not a fan of standing on shaky limbs because I have terrible balance.

I wasn't so nervous last Wed. night because I didn't know what to expect, but now that I know some of the games we have to play and how I'm not funny on cue, I don't like it.

It's Acting for Non-Majors all over again. (Except this time I'm not judging others and I'm not 115 pounds, nor will I go out on a date with the cute blonde skater guy.)

Shit.

Gangsta's Paradise

Forgot to mention that I went for my job interview at a certain middle school here......

All I have to say is remember the movie Dangerous Minds with Michelle Pheiffer?

(Weird - because I wore that SAME black leather jacket to my interview.)

So, it was kinda along those same lines as that movie, minus the metal detectors and legs-up-to-my-neck thing.

I drive up to the parking lot where there are 3 cop cars and 6 cops. I think to myself, "Oh, it must be D.A.R.E. Day or some kind of public service presentation!" Ha! (Whoever said, "Ignorance is Bliss" needs a big fat cookie.)

I had an 8th grade boy, with tattoos, come on to me; the vice-principal had to unlock a couple of dead-bolt locks just to get into his window-less office. (The place looked and felt like a prison!)

The VP was a very nice man but he basically said the teachers just need an extra person to be in the room with them for "disciplinary" action. Huh? I'm a writer buddy, not a taekwando master!!! He should have taken a good long look at these scrawny arms and known I was clearly not qualified for the job! I (stupidly) asked what the cop cars were there for and he told me five 8th graders had just been arrested for drinking alcohol at school. (It was barely 10:00 in the morning! Mama likes a cocktail every now and then but gimmie a break, before 10 AM!!!)

Suffice to say, I will not be working at that school! I do have another interview at an elementary school next week....... and if there is even one cop car there, whether it be for some 6-year-olds smoking on school grounds or a third grade kegger - I'm not even going to step one foot inside!!

P.S. I have decided to name my chickens Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte after my girls on Sex & the City - and even if they laid Cosmopolitans every morning, I still wouldn't drink them until noon, silly little 13-year-olds!

Wow - my first blog for the month of April and it's already the 10th! Yikes! But don't worry friends, I have been thinking about my blog! (Does that count?) I have actually thought of many, many things to write about but of course I can not think of one dang thing now. (Typical.)

OOOOOOOHHHHH! I can think of one thing, one great big awesome thing.

I saw the first draft of the children's book I wrote and it was AMAZING!!!! The illustrator did a helluva job and it is so much better than anything I could have ever, ever imagined! Whoo- Hoo! I keep thinking to myself, "Well, where the hell do I go from here??" Where does one go when they have already published the most bestest, coolest, colorfulest book there ever was???

It's that good people!

I'm not exaggerating! It is so fabulous, that after I saw it, I had to run across the street (barefoot) to my friend's house and have her run back over to mine to show her! I was like on a high and she had had a rough day so margaritas were made to calm us both down, using some real nice true Agave Tequila from Mexico!! (Thanks again, K - you are the best!)

Now I have to take a headshot for the back - ewe. I take the WORST pictures! (Mom, if you're reading this please stop rolling your eyes - you'd think any picture of me was great and I thank you for that, but it's simply not true!) The only pictures of me that I am half- pleased with are my wedding pictures and for the price we paid for them I should have looked good!

Would it be inappropriate for me to be featured in the back of my children's book in a white gown with some man in the picture grabbing my ass?

Beers and Books

Updates.

Broke down and had a beer - or 2 - at dinner with some friends on Friday night. After 2 weeks and 6 yoga classes I had lost a whole whopping pound.

I thought it would at least be 3 but alas, I am a mere 1 pound lighter..... although that was not the reason for my self-evoked dry out, I thought weight loss would be an added bonus. It's okay - the Wailua Wheat (aka. Lilikoi Goodness) was soooooo worth the slight pang of guilt. Delicious!

I also have a job interview to be an "educational assistant" at one of the middle schools here on the 'ole island. Yack! Middle Schoolers - me no likes. I mean, not individual middle schoolers; just middle schoolers as a whole, in general.

What a frickin HORRIBLE age. Everyone is worried about what everyone else is thinking about them when really everyone is ugly and gangly - even the so-called Hot Ones are u-g-l-y. I'm serious, try to picture your 7th grade crush - not so cute anymore huh? (Sorry Cory, Matt, John and Andy!) It's all new, weird hair in weird places, growth spurts, training bras, braces, periods and girls being super mean to other girls.

Ryan Seacrest in his u-g-l-y years!

Should be a fun place to work at.

Maybe they'll only need "educational assistants" for gym class or the library.......

P.S. On that note: I don't understand why people steal books from the library. STOP IT! (I know you have to have something to say about this my Librarian Buddy!) It has been 2 books now in 2 weeks that I have wanted to check out and they come up "not on shelf" or something like that - which means, I'm assuming, that someone just walked out with them! Why, when it's FREE to take home and read??? Karma is a bitch you little book-takers! Now I have to go and buy "Are you there Vodka? It's me Chelsea" from Borders. Maybe I'll donate it to the library so others may enjoy Chelsea Handler's wit and charm!

Tea Bag Blues

I went to a yoga class today and it kicked my ass...... I can barely keep my arms up to type this blog.....jello arms would be an understatement. If I had to do another down-dog I would have screamed un-zen type obscenities at my beautiful, wonderful teacher.

Anyways, bare with me there may be a few typos......

WAIT!!!! - - - - - - I just looked at the tag hanging off the end of my tea string - ---the one connected to my tea bag ------that's in my cup of tea. (I didn't want any of you ladies to think tea string was code for tampon string. My tampons don't have cute little saying at the end of their strings. But if they did I wonder what it would say? "Have a happy period?" "Have a non-bloaty/bitchy free day?")

Anyways, the little tag at the end of my tea string says "If your word does not reflect your spirit and honor, do not speak."

Ummmmm, is that code for "Shut the hell up?" Is this the tea-gods trying to tell me to keep my mouth closed and (gasp!) think before I speak?

Hmmmm....... maybe I should just end this blog here then. I want my spirit and honor to be kind and gentle. I, my friend, am not that kind nor that gentle.

Shit.

Well. I am offended by this tea and it is making a mockery of me. I shall dump it in the potted plant that is on this computer desk - it never says anything.

Take that tea-gods.

I suppose now I have to make another cup o' tea. I will and then I'll come back and tell you what the new saying is, well, saying.

HA!

"Be kind and compassionate and the whole world will be your friend."

Up yours, tea bag tag.