Going Postal

I have come to the realization that there has to be some sort of shift in my life.  

I had this realization when I was driving to one of my five jobs last Friday after my talking-on-the-phone-while-in-the-car-cry-fest with Z.  

I have no time! I've only written one blog this whole month. And don't even think I've had a second to work on my second book! I feel too pulled in a million different directions and too tired since I've been waking up at 5:45 to work out for NO REASON/ NO RESULTS. I would KILL someone for a day off. Okay, not KILL but HIT IN THE FACE for sures. And I mean a whole day off from working-out, cleaning the house, washing dishes, walking the dog, cooking, showering etc.

I know this is life but this is not the life I want. Something's gotta give, man.

And I know this is the truth and not me just being a baby because I got this little gem from my mailman.

WTF USPS???

Okay, not the mustache card that is so cleverly hiding our address but this "Your Mailbox Needs Attention" bullshit. Have you ever seen anything like this before??  It's like when we used to get pink slips from teachers in grade school. You know the ones where you had to give the pink slip to your mom and she would sign them to show that she read them and then you had to bring it back to your teacher so that your teacher knew that your mom now knew that you had a big mouth and was talking during reading time? Yeah - it's kinda like that, but for grow-ups. And now I feel bad.

I just got pink-slipped by my mother f-ing mailman.  Geez. I'm sorry I couldn't add frickin' YARD WORK to my list of things there, sir.

Two things here:
1.  You spelled Bougainvillea wrong. Ugh. (enter eye-roll here)
2. Are you a doctor or a mailman because I can barely read your writing.

I mean - give me a break Mr. Mailman. You are going to "Stop Delivery Service" "ASAP" if I don't trim the Bougainvillea right this very second. Wow, you're acting a tad bitchy/bossy for someone in public service, buddy.

So, of course, I get the pruning sheers out and trim the bush that supposedly "almost took out his eye".  What a drama queen. But the United States Postal Service is full of them, hence the whole term - going postal - you know?

So now I think my mail man must think we are some crack heads living in our crack head house with our crack head flower bushes. And he did have a little point because that hot-pink bush was getting outta hand, but DO NOT disrespect me with the USPS version of the pink slip, okay.

Wanna know why?

Neither, Sucka....

It looks like this!!!!

Guess Who's Back. Back. Back. Back Again.

I'm here! I'm here!

I will not rant about how FRICKING BUSY I have been and how it's kinda been fun because I'm working with my friends but geez-louise how the days just all blend into one another and how one of my goods friend's due date was on one of the BUSIEST week of my life and OMG she's going into labor and OMG she was in labor for like 38 hours or was it 46 never-mind it was LONG and then we were all waiting for the moment we could head up to the hospital and meet the newest lady of the group, meanwhile I'm on my 5th 10-hour-day in a row and am dreaming of my work so then it doesn't even feel like I left god I hate that shit and did I mention I'm Editor-in-Chief of this really cool magazine and it's HARD-ASS WORK and maybe we will be posting it online in hopes we will get paid to do it one day (instead of advertisers almost-not-really paying for the printing) and then baby Loli Rian is here I just want to stare at her and hold her and this has me pushing Z away because she is so perfect she might just make me cave and have a baby sometime soon and then how the hell would I have a baby and get EVERYTHING else done and OMG my house is a complete bachelor pad and we are drinking water out of coffee mugs because there is not a single clean glass and we are knee deep in dog hair and now I have 10 loads of laundry to do because Z just sold his first wooden surfboard he built and now all he can do/think/jack-off about is building more and yeah I said jack-off - calm down - and then I cleaned the house for like 9 hours and then finally got to eat some Ahi Sashmi and drink a glass of wine and then I felt all better.

Do we need some Snoop Dog to calm us all down?

YES?!

Okay.....

This one is for a certain MT lady who is a loyal reader....

but I may have to doubt her and my cousin's sincerity because I do not believe they have

 TAKEN THE TIME TO BECOME ACTUAL FOLLOWERS....ahem, Butte Beauties.... Imma talkin' to you!

Wow - I feel so much better!

Enough of the ranting. Geez it even extended to photo-captions - I'm on a roll ladies and gentlemen....

But I am back and I am ready to unfold some glorious word-vomiting all over you just as soon as I lay on my couch for the remainder of this day......

Except my robe is white and I am way more tan than her and
I would never have a brown couch. Ewe.

Fun Stuffs (The Third)

I wanted to let you know that my mustache affinity has not wavered. (Remember when it seemed I could not write a blog without mentioning a mustache and/or Snoop Dogg? )

Here are a few Fun Stuffs that I have made, bought, gotten either as gifts or given as gifts...... because what's my motto about mustaches? "Never. Not. Funny."

That's right.

Feeling the Christmas Cheer - in style.

Here are some mugs I made for my ladies and my mustache necklace handmade by the middle lady. Her and the other beauty on the left (as well as another fabulous friend) own this shop. Check it out!!

Have you seen anything cuter??

This is my favorite bathroom accessory. Although these are those annoying hand towels that one must never use, just look at. The danky, non-cute  hand towel to dry one's hands with is hanging by the sink. (Just FYI incase you have to take a deuce at mi casa. Okay?)

Pure Awesomeness.

I totally made this. Okay, lie. I totally sanded this and painted it and the nails.  Z actually cut it out. But I do have to say it's probably the coolest necklace holder on this island. Duh.

The best.

This is my wallet and if I had a dollar for everyone who wanted to see it, I could afford a nicer wallet. (Just Kidding.) But it tis true. Man, I love this.

Wait,  it does get cuter than non-usable yellow hand towels.

My friend is about to have a baby girl and I can not wait to see Miss L in this onesie. UGH I LOVE IT!

Fo' Real.

I got this for my husband on Valentine's Day and he read it out loud like this,"We go together like mustaches and crepes." He read creeps like crepes  - the things French people eat that are like pancakes but not like pancakes? So he totally didn't get it. 

What a creep.  

Rainbow Staches!!

Truth be told - I probably have only used the top three since I am so lazy.... poor purple Texas-stache!

So there is your Mustachio Fix for awhile!!  

A bit excessive? Maybe. 

Always funny? For sure.

Not So Tiny Dancer

If you are a follower (You are a follower right? If you are reading this and you haven't signed up to be a follower then how else is a girl to get PAID to write these beauties??? HMMMM??? Just go ahead and scroll down the page to the place where there are peoples' pretty pictures and hit the follow button for me! You don't even have to use your real name!!)(Thank you.) then you are well aware I went to the University of Montana in Missoula for college.  It really is a special place.

Oh, how I love Spring in Montana

Winter? Um, not so much.

Anyway - I lived in the dorms my freshman year, which was mandatory. But it was the best!  I made and still have some good friends from that time. And living in a dorm with 300 other people was actually really fun when you're 18! I loved it! We had nice big rooms and cable TV. (Not that there was much time for TV watching, you know with all the drinking, smoking, making out,  studying we did.)

The dorm I lived in was co-ed and the girls lived on the top 2 floors and the guys lived on the bottom 2. We slept on bunk beds and I was on the top bunk, which I didn't mind, normally....

One night my roommate and I were sleeping (Speaking of my college roommate! What's up, C? She's got a great little blog under my "Blogs I'm Kinda In Love With" spot - called Golden Pigeon - you should check her out!) 

Where was I? Oh yeah, one night my roommate and I were sleeping and I hear these noises right above my head. (Not Those kinds of noises, you pervs!) It sounded like someone was doing construction! But it was like 3:30 in the morning!? It woke me up and then I heard my roomie stirring and we were both like WTF? 

The sounds were RIGHT OVER MY HEAD! Like inches away from my face (Remember I was on the top bunk?)

So I grouchily get up and walk up the stairs - it's soooooo quite in our dorm, except from this one room right above us - and I knock on the door and this kinda bigger girl in a tutu answers.

This is pretty close.....I ain't even playin'

I was so shocked that  I wasn't even mad anymore! I was like, "What in the hell are you doing?"

She told me she was "practicing her tap dancing." Like this was the most normal thing to be doing in the middle of the night......in a tight ass tutu........inside a dorm room.  I promise you this girl was no tap dancer! First of all she's wearing a fucking tutu.  Ballerinas wear tutus, girlfriend. And she was wearing a rainbow feather boa, which I'm pretty sure isn't a tap dancing prop. Maybe a top hat and a cane but a feather boa? Come on!? 

She then told me she had insomnia. 

An overweight- tutu-wearing-feather-boa-rocking-tap-dancing-insomniac? Living and dancing right above my head?

Oh, Hell-Naw!!!!!

So I told her I normally sleep like a baby and I let her know my face was like 6 inches from her tap, tap, tappin'. I also suggested she go to the Health Center and talk to someone about her problem and that they make medication for conditions such as hers. (You know the sleeping thing, not the tutu/feather boa wearing thing.)

I remember going back into the room and I was laughing so hard I couldn't even tell my roommate what I had just seen!

Classic.

P.S. She must have taken my advice because she never woke us up again!

Thank god.

Random Facts: Boyfriend Style

Wait - you are thinking? 
Am I at "Pretty Little Word Vomit??" 
Yes - you are and thank you for noticing the new "do" - it took me like 2 hours to figure this out. I had to go with a new template that wouldn't let me have an obnoxious pink background but I tried to throw in as much obnoxious pink elsewhere  so you wouldn't get too nervous about the change.


You're Welcome.


Now where were we?  
You know who I haven't mentioned a whole, whole lot on this blog? And I LOVE him a whole, whole lot?? So it's a whole, whole lot weird???


My Boyfriend. 

Geez Boyfriend. Stop sucking up already - I'll totally mention you in my blog.

So here for a  guest appearance in my Random Facts is Boyfriend - Jack Russell Terrorist Extraordinaire!

1.  Boyfriend is a Harness-Hater.  He has to wear aforementioned harness because he gags himself incessantly when we go on our daily walks.  It's nothing crazy, just a run-of-the-mill red harness, but he hates it non-the-less.   You'd think he'd just get used to putting it on but the little shit head tries to run away EVERY MORNING when we try to put it on him.  I know this little behavior would put Ceaser Millan in a tail spin.

Um, no. Up YOURS, Ceaser Millan, Boyfriend IS the pack leader and that's just about that.

2.  Boyfriend's favorite food is a banana.  Homeboy can HEAR, note I said HEAR, us peel a banana from across the house while he is mid-nap in a whole different room.  It's eerie. 

3.  While were on the subject, B also likes the cats' food, or "kitty-krack" as we call it. (Now, we don't actually own cats but our landlords do and as part of our rent we feed these cats when they are away. These are "my" first cats and I must admit they're pretty cool.) But they eat the nastiest food from Costco while we pay $58 dollas for a small bag of organic, no-corn-filler-added, your-mom-researched-hours-on-the-Internet-and-this-is-the-best-of-the-best dog chow for Mr Man. And he still runs out to the cat food dishes every chance.  Thankless Punk.

4.  My Boyfriend INSISTS on sleeping right in between my husband and me in the bed.  

5.  I named my very first dog Oprah.  She was a black Shar Pei and was so fat and wrinkly that she snored. Her snoring was so loud, my mom and I had to give her back to the breeder. (I know this fun dog factoid is about me  - but it's my blog, dammit!!)

Fine B.  It's all about you. I forgot, Pack Leader.

6.  Boyfriend is a friend to timeout.  He takes these timeouts like a champ in the extra bedroom.  Everyone who comes over is truly amazed that when he's acting a fool and I warn him with the word "timeout" he usually A. Quits being crazy. or B.  Heads right in the extra bedroom when I say the word again.  (Timeout has been quite effective. JRTs are scary smart.) He will stay there until we think he gets the point. Although there has been the odd time when we will forget about him and like an hour later I will ask Z where the dog is. Nice, mommy, reallllll nice.

7.  Boyfriend was so so cute when he was little. I mean he's still cute now but ahhhhhhhhhh.....looooooookkkkkk.

Did you purchase your tickets to the Cute Show?

8.  One rainy day I was baking banana bread and I came into the kitchen to find this. Sometimes Mr. Man has no shame.

What? Gawd?! IDK who pee-peed??

9.  I think Boyfriend is more excited to see his dad get home than when I come home.  I'm boring and only take him on 45 minute walks. His dad THROWS THE BALL outside for like 20 minutes. Gee.  Big winner. But alas, I think B loves Z more than me. 

So there you have it. Boyfriend and all his glory.  We just love him.  He's the best Boyfriend we could ever ask for.

Quotes & Funnies

Oh Hi!

Yup - It's me. I have a second to write - I have literally not been at my house but to sleep and shower since last Friday. But life is good and I'm working when the work is comin'....

You know 13 hours on Monday,11 hours Tuesday and 13 hours on Wednesday....no biggie.

Blugh.

First of all I have to share with you this "G-ma Quote." You know my G-ma. The one who bought me my first Snoop CD and who had a whole entire room dedicated to Clowns.

The one on the left with the wonky fu-man-chu...

Well, we had a second to catch up on the phone today and she was telling me some story about her friend named Evelyn. "Who's Evelyn?" I asked. "Oh you know Evelyn," my grandmother replied. "Sometimes she wears her teeth, sometimes she doesn't."

"Oh hey, Evelyn. What's up?"

Who describes someone like this? Or worse yet. Who gets described like this?

I think I want to be BOTH of these when I grow up.... I'm serious.....

While were on the subject of funny things, I recently came across these (on this great website called dearblankpleaseblank.com) and I really liked them:

Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away

with the dish, but I thought you should now that you

have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.

Sincerely,

Spoon

And this one:

Dear People of the World,

I don't mean to sound slutty, but please use me

whenever you want.

Sincerely,

Grammar

(Hahaha!!! And you know my thoughts on grammar and all things like it because of my degree.)

Who writes these things?

I want to be like them when I grow up....I'm serious....

* There are a lot of links on this post. Ya'll know that whenever you see something purple that you can click on it and it will take you to whatever else is pertinent to whatever I am word vomiting about.... right?.... G-ma?.... I'ma talking to you.....

To Sir Elton with Love

What does one half of my voice + one teeny headache + two sore legs =

THE BEST CONCERT EVER!!!

We went to see Sir Elton John last night and believe me when I tell you that man was put on this earth to be a performer!

No Shit.

He's on his "Greatest Hits Tour." So we knew all the words and there was plenty of beer and lots o' dancin'!!

The people behind us were not feelin' the dancin' so much and after they kept telling us to sit down I turned around and said to that party-pooper-fat-lady, "If you wanted to watch Elton John sitting down, then you should have rented his DVD."

Which promptly got me a high five from the man (With A CANE!!) dancing next to me (With A CANE!!)

Now, I normally am not one to snap at strangers (just at those I love dearly) but COME ON LADY!!!! IT'S TINY DANCER!!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????

I will most certainly NOT be sitting down AND I will most certainly NOT be using my "inside voice."

After the song ended, I felt bad about my quick tongue and thought maybe she's too big to stand up for extended periods of time (which isn't my fault, it's probably Krispy Kreme's fault) BUT I made the decision to move to the sides where my fellow dancers were accruing.

This move attracted "instant karma" because as we were walking/singing/sloshing our beers to our new spot we saw this man who has a crush on my husband (yes, you read that right!) and he works at this concert venue and he gave us 2 tickets in the 10th row!

So we went from General Seating with bleachers and grass to actual chairs and you could see E.J. really good. It was then I noticed his purple jacket with the sequined mermaid on the back. Pure Awesomness.

The crowd was a bit lame-o there too, so we went back to the dancing area until "Crocoldile Rock" and then we could see everyone up and at 'em in the 10th row so we ran back to those seats and danced close to Elton for the remaining time.

It was fantastic.

Kinda like this dope-ass coffee cup my friend bought me

which I drank my beer from throughout the night.

Elton and I are classy like that.