Quotes & Funnies

Oh Hi!

Yup - It's me. I have a second to write - I have literally not been at my house but to sleep and shower since last Friday. But life is good and I'm working when the work is comin'....

You know 13 hours on Monday,11 hours Tuesday and 13 hours on Wednesday....no biggie.

Blugh.

First of all I have to share with you this "G-ma Quote." You know my G-ma. The one who bought me my first Snoop CD and who had a whole entire room dedicated to Clowns.

The one on the left with the wonky fu-man-chu...

Well, we had a second to catch up on the phone today and she was telling me some story about her friend named Evelyn. "Who's Evelyn?" I asked. "Oh you know Evelyn," my grandmother replied. "Sometimes she wears her teeth, sometimes she doesn't."

"Oh hey, Evelyn. What's up?"

Who describes someone like this? Or worse yet. Who gets described like this?

I think I want to be BOTH of these when I grow up.... I'm serious.....

While were on the subject of funny things, I recently came across these (on this great website called dearblankpleaseblank.com) and I really liked them:

Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away

with the dish, but I thought you should now that you

have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.

Sincerely,

Spoon

And this one:

Dear People of the World,

I don't mean to sound slutty, but please use me

whenever you want.

Sincerely,

Grammar

(Hahaha!!! And you know my thoughts on grammar and all things like it because of my degree.)

Who writes these things?

I want to be like them when I grow up....I'm serious....

* There are a lot of links on this post. Ya'll know that whenever you see something purple that you can click on it and it will take you to whatever else is pertinent to whatever I am word vomiting about.... right?.... G-ma?.... I'ma talking to you.....

To Sir Elton with Love

What does one half of my voice + one teeny headache + two sore legs =

THE BEST CONCERT EVER!!!

We went to see Sir Elton John last night and believe me when I tell you that man was put on this earth to be a performer!

No Shit.

He's on his "Greatest Hits Tour." So we knew all the words and there was plenty of beer and lots o' dancin'!!

The people behind us were not feelin' the dancin' so much and after they kept telling us to sit down I turned around and said to that party-pooper-fat-lady, "If you wanted to watch Elton John sitting down, then you should have rented his DVD."

Which promptly got me a high five from the man (With A CANE!!) dancing next to me (With A CANE!!)

Now, I normally am not one to snap at strangers (just at those I love dearly) but COME ON LADY!!!! IT'S TINY DANCER!!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????

I will most certainly NOT be sitting down AND I will most certainly NOT be using my "inside voice."

After the song ended, I felt bad about my quick tongue and thought maybe she's too big to stand up for extended periods of time (which isn't my fault, it's probably Krispy Kreme's fault) BUT I made the decision to move to the sides where my fellow dancers were accruing.

This move attracted "instant karma" because as we were walking/singing/sloshing our beers to our new spot we saw this man who has a crush on my husband (yes, you read that right!) and he works at this concert venue and he gave us 2 tickets in the 10th row!

So we went from General Seating with bleachers and grass to actual chairs and you could see E.J. really good. It was then I noticed his purple jacket with the sequined mermaid on the back. Pure Awesomness.

The crowd was a bit lame-o there too, so we went back to the dancing area until "Crocoldile Rock" and then we could see everyone up and at 'em in the 10th row so we ran back to those seats and danced close to Elton for the remaining time.

It was fantastic.

Kinda like this dope-ass coffee cup my friend bought me

which I drank my beer from throughout the night.

Elton and I are classy like that.

I Ain't Even Clownin'

Disclaimer: The following is not meant to put my Grandma's shit on blast all over the Internet BUT this is all true and we love her anyways.....

So, when I was growing up 110 miles away from my Grandma or G-ma as we so affectionately call her. I spent many, many a night at her house. And I LOVED my G-ma's house. Like, LOVED it. (And still do.) Loved the maple ice cream she always had at the ready, loved all her arts and crafts we did and even loved the way her bath towels were (and still are) so scratchy because she ALWAYS hangs her laundry out to dry, even in like -30 degree Montana weather.

I loved how she always cooked breakfast but hated making cookies. I loved how we would make popcorn out of her air-popper and watch The Golden Girls every night.

Here we are representin' the Love........ Stay Golden, ladies, Stay Golden.

Anyways, with all things glorious and awesome, there has to come a part that's not so awesome; that's well, quite frightening, actually.

That un-glorious and un-awesome thing was .............................. my G-Ma had a "Clown Room".

Yup, a WHOLE ENTIRE ROOM FILLED WITH CLOWNS. (Take a second and let that shit sink in your brain.)

A WHOLE ENTIRE MOTHER-LOVIN' ROOM FILLED WITH CLOWNS!!!!!

There were clown bears and clown dolls. She had clown wallpaper and a clown bed spread. There were small clowns, big clowns, clown stain-glass thingys and clown pillows. There was clown Christmas ornaments and many, many clown figurines. Clown rugs and a Cabbage Patch Kid dressed like a clown. There were clowns swinging from the ceiling on wooden swings and clowns sitting on the floor on little wooden rocking chairs. There were even clown snow globes!!!

There was a whole series of pictures she had of this one hobo clown that was apparently dead and sitting on clouds in heaven with clown angles. But the clouds they were sitting on were really clown heads or some trippy shit.

Oh wait!!! Looky what happens when you Google "clowns sitting on clouds." She had this whole series!! There were like 20 of them!!!

I am NOT convinced my G-ma was not stoned when buying these pictures......just kiddin'....sorta.

I'm serious you guys. I know some of you who know me know that I can tend to be a bit dramatic and exaggerate but this is the Truth!! My cousins and family who read this can verify!!

But this is not even the worst part of the story! I know. You are thinking,"It gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds?"

Yes, it gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds.

We had to sleep in this room! As vulnerable little children! With no adults! Sometimes even all alone in The Clown Room!

So what looked liked this:

"Go to sleep, Little Miss, and we will play and laugh and

sing in the morning! Just shut those

eyes now and dream sweet gum drop dreams..."

Actually felt like this:

"I wouldn't close those eyes of yours, Little Girl, or I will eat

your face off and

kill your parents and friends and favorite teacher and mailman and poodle..."

Especially after watching this: Please click here - you know what is coming, don't you? Don't you?

I know my sweet little G-ma had this little gem of a room because it made her happy and she genuinly does not think clown are the least bit creepy. Wait Whaaaaa?

I realize now that once she told ONE person she kinda liked clowns they bought her a clown tchotchke (That's not a typo - that's like my favorite word of all time. Look it up.) for her birthday and one for Christmas and Mother's Day and then it got all crazy and she just put all of it in one room and then it became this huge thing that when "you didn't know what to get G-ma you got her another clown tchotchke."

So it just, sorta happened. She's not crazy. She's still one of my most favorite people in the whole world, which is why we never told G-ma that the room was wack-a-doodle and made us shit ourselves at night until she did a massive downsize and moved into a smaller place a couple of years ago.

Out went all the clown crap and in went a good night's sleep..... thank God.... who apparently sits on detached clown-head-clouds.... who knew?

Snot is Hot

Sorry for the lull in blogging.

Here's the haps on the craps.

Z will be sleeping in a volcano for the next two nights... seriously...... how cool it that? He will be hiking into a dormant volcano with 10 of our other friends and looking at really cool things like......ancient, dormant volcano-y things and really great sunrise views while I stay at home with this view.

Look at all the puffy clouds and the orange sun!

Oh wait - those are snotty tissues and a Ricola Honey Cough Drop.......pretty.

Pretty Lame.

My friend was sick last week and I exclaimed, "Oh that sucks. I don't think I've been sick since I moved here."

BAM!!!!!!

A 5-year-in-the-making sinus in-fuck-tion.

Great.

To be honest, I wasn't planning on going on the volcano hike-a-thon. Hiking 24 miles just doesn't sound like a fun time to me. Plus I'm really, really, really scared of heights and when you hike into something, one must hike out of said something. Me no likey.

What I was going to likey was:

* Having the house to myself for 3 days and 2 nights!!

*Eating what I wanted to eat.

*Watching non-dumb-boy movies

*Cleaning up after my own messes!!

*Going to a girls dinner tonight (which I plan on going to, snotty nose and all, I don't think I'm contagious 4 days in....)

*Perhaps a doggie date/sleepover with Boyfriend's Girlfriend and her owner. She lives on the other side of the island and we thought it would be super fun to have a pizza and wine night and maybe let Boyfriend get to third base with his woman; under our adult supervision, of course.

I thought of how I had a whole day off and I could just lounge around on the couch - but I didn't mean because I was sick!!

Now I'm on Day 2 of having to take off work and miserably laying on this couch.

Be Careful What You Wish For.

Rhymes With Suck.....

So I've had this brilliant idea that I want my second children's book to rhyme. WHY? WHY? WHY? Here's a tid-bit on how that brilliant idea is going....

Dr. Suess, I am not and my brain has officially gone to pot. Rhyming is really fricking hard and the more I try the more I feel like a big ole 'tard. (That is so not P.C.!) Hawaiian words are not the norm and my technique and patience lack the form, necessary to complete this task. Now where did I put my pink glittery flask?

I ain't even playin'......

Half of me wants to quit, screaming F this wack bull-shit! But my other side, the crazy-ass competitive one, thinks this can - and this will - be done!

Will some one shut her the hell up? I can't take anymore things in my already over-flowing cup! At night I'm thinking, "What rhymes with Pueo (a Hawaiian owl)?" Um, there's no way-o. What rhymes with luau? Um, poo-au? How about "Aloha" or "Mahalo"? It's just plain silly thru and thru..... oh, the crap I get myself into.....

Good thing it wasn't a mouse that lived in HAWAII....and spoke HAWAIIN.....asshole main-land mouse.

So wish me luck, butter-cup!! I may have gotten in a little over my head, but for now it's off to bed.... where I shall try to think of more rhyming words all the while saying, "This stupid rhyme-time crap is for the birds!!"

The End.

The Mystery Continues....

The best thing happened.... again.

I get back from my mini vacation and go to my mail box and THIS was in a little package, waiting for me.

The awesome ring pictured - not the awesome dog pictured.

Again, no note. No nothing.

The Mysterious Mustache Sender(s) Strike(s) again!!

Here are the facts:

1. It was, again, addressed to the name I published my book under.

2. It was, again, from the greatest website ever Etsy.com Seriously, check it out!!

3. I freakin' LOVE the color pink. Not in the "I love pink because I'm a sorority girl or 4-years-old kinda way." But the "isn't this so obnoxious AND it's pink kinda way."

4. I freakin' LOVE glitter. (I think I used to be a god damn crow in my past life. I can NOT not look at something shiny, or not NOT want something shiny or glittery. "Must touch/buy/want/nag my husband incessantly about shiny, glittery thing." It's my mantra.

Take my favorite pair of Toms for instance.

(You know when you buy a pair of these shoes - not all colors are glittery, but then what's the point? - they donate a pair to a chid in need - just F.Y.I.

Here are my conclusions:

1. It may or may not be the same sender. I don't care either way - I'm stoked for fun little surprises in the mail!

2. Again, he or she has impeccable taste!

3. The plan is INDEED working for this blog - FREE GIFTS! FREE GIFTS!

So yay!

THANK YOU, AGAIN, MYSTERIOUS MUSTACHE SENDER(s)!!

*At the time of publication - the author of this blog may or may not have been told the identity of one or multiple party sender or senders of aforementioned mustache gift. Said author may or may not have wanted to keep this charade going in hopes that more mustache gifts will come in the mail. Also, said author is not held responsible or libel for false hopes being crushed that the aforementioned Mustache Mystery may or may not be solved.

Big Tripin'

So this is my first post of 2011 and it's January 13th??

LAME.

But here's why -

I was on a mini-little vacay with this girl...

Who is very UN-LAME, as you can see.

And this girl...

Who is also very UN-LAME, just like her mama.

They (and their husband/da-da) won a vacation to the islands. So me and Z took a little trip and met up with them for a much needed break.

There was a lotta this....

"Pee makes me beer a lot."

And a whole lotta this...

Big Pimpin'

But alas, I am back to reality. And back to YOU!!

So stay tuned as my ever-growing list of things to do in 2011 involve this blog, another children's book, the gym and or yoga studio. It will also involve not eating cheese on a daily basis.

So Here's to a New Year! (And a smaller ass!)

Cheers!!