Fun Stuffs (The Third)

I wanted to let you know that my mustache affinity has not wavered. (Remember when it seemed I could not write a blog without mentioning a mustache and/or Snoop Dogg? )

Here are a few Fun Stuffs that I have made, bought, gotten either as gifts or given as gifts...... because what's my motto about mustaches? "Never. Not. Funny."

That's right.

Feeling the Christmas Cheer - in style.

Here are some mugs I made for my ladies and my mustache necklace handmade by the middle lady. Her and the other beauty on the left (as well as another fabulous friend) own this shop. Check it out!!

Have you seen anything cuter??

This is my favorite bathroom accessory. Although these are those annoying hand towels that one must never use, just look at. The danky, non-cute  hand towel to dry one's hands with is hanging by the sink. (Just FYI incase you have to take a deuce at mi casa. Okay?)

Pure Awesomeness.

I totally made this. Okay, lie. I totally sanded this and painted it and the nails.  Z actually cut it out. But I do have to say it's probably the coolest necklace holder on this island. Duh.

The best.

This is my wallet and if I had a dollar for everyone who wanted to see it, I could afford a nicer wallet. (Just Kidding.) But it tis true. Man, I love this.

Wait,  it does get cuter than non-usable yellow hand towels.

My friend is about to have a baby girl and I can not wait to see Miss L in this onesie. UGH I LOVE IT!

Fo' Real.

I got this for my husband on Valentine's Day and he read it out loud like this,"We go together like mustaches and crepes." He read creeps like crepes  - the things French people eat that are like pancakes but not like pancakes? So he totally didn't get it. 

What a creep.  

Rainbow Staches!!

Truth be told - I probably have only used the top three since I am so lazy.... poor purple Texas-stache!

So there is your Mustachio Fix for awhile!!  

A bit excessive? Maybe. 

Always funny? For sure.

Not So Tiny Dancer

If you are a follower (You are a follower right? If you are reading this and you haven't signed up to be a follower then how else is a girl to get PAID to write these beauties??? HMMMM??? Just go ahead and scroll down the page to the place where there are peoples' pretty pictures and hit the follow button for me! You don't even have to use your real name!!)(Thank you.) then you are well aware I went to the University of Montana in Missoula for college.  It really is a special place.

Oh, how I love Spring in Montana

Winter? Um, not so much.

Anyway - I lived in the dorms my freshman year, which was mandatory. But it was the best!  I made and still have some good friends from that time. And living in a dorm with 300 other people was actually really fun when you're 18! I loved it! We had nice big rooms and cable TV. (Not that there was much time for TV watching, you know with all the drinking, smoking, making out,  studying we did.)

The dorm I lived in was co-ed and the girls lived on the top 2 floors and the guys lived on the bottom 2. We slept on bunk beds and I was on the top bunk, which I didn't mind, normally....

One night my roommate and I were sleeping (Speaking of my college roommate! What's up, C? She's got a great little blog under my "Blogs I'm Kinda In Love With" spot - called Golden Pigeon - you should check her out!) 

Where was I? Oh yeah, one night my roommate and I were sleeping and I hear these noises right above my head. (Not Those kinds of noises, you pervs!) It sounded like someone was doing construction! But it was like 3:30 in the morning!? It woke me up and then I heard my roomie stirring and we were both like WTF? 

The sounds were RIGHT OVER MY HEAD! Like inches away from my face (Remember I was on the top bunk?)

So I grouchily get up and walk up the stairs - it's soooooo quite in our dorm, except from this one room right above us - and I knock on the door and this kinda bigger girl in a tutu answers.

This is pretty close.....I ain't even playin'

I was so shocked that  I wasn't even mad anymore! I was like, "What in the hell are you doing?"

She told me she was "practicing her tap dancing." Like this was the most normal thing to be doing in the middle of the night......in a tight ass tutu........inside a dorm room.  I promise you this girl was no tap dancer! First of all she's wearing a fucking tutu.  Ballerinas wear tutus, girlfriend. And she was wearing a rainbow feather boa, which I'm pretty sure isn't a tap dancing prop. Maybe a top hat and a cane but a feather boa? Come on!? 

She then told me she had insomnia. 

An overweight- tutu-wearing-feather-boa-rocking-tap-dancing-insomniac? Living and dancing right above my head?

Oh, Hell-Naw!!!!!

So I told her I normally sleep like a baby and I let her know my face was like 6 inches from her tap, tap, tappin'. I also suggested she go to the Health Center and talk to someone about her problem and that they make medication for conditions such as hers. (You know the sleeping thing, not the tutu/feather boa wearing thing.)

I remember going back into the room and I was laughing so hard I couldn't even tell my roommate what I had just seen!

Classic.

P.S. She must have taken my advice because she never woke us up again!

Thank god.

Random Facts: Boyfriend Style

Wait - you are thinking? 
Am I at "Pretty Little Word Vomit??" 
Yes - you are and thank you for noticing the new "do" - it took me like 2 hours to figure this out. I had to go with a new template that wouldn't let me have an obnoxious pink background but I tried to throw in as much obnoxious pink elsewhere  so you wouldn't get too nervous about the change.


You're Welcome.


Now where were we?  
You know who I haven't mentioned a whole, whole lot on this blog? And I LOVE him a whole, whole lot?? So it's a whole, whole lot weird???


My Boyfriend. 

Geez Boyfriend. Stop sucking up already - I'll totally mention you in my blog.

So here for a  guest appearance in my Random Facts is Boyfriend - Jack Russell Terrorist Extraordinaire!

1.  Boyfriend is a Harness-Hater.  He has to wear aforementioned harness because he gags himself incessantly when we go on our daily walks.  It's nothing crazy, just a run-of-the-mill red harness, but he hates it non-the-less.   You'd think he'd just get used to putting it on but the little shit head tries to run away EVERY MORNING when we try to put it on him.  I know this little behavior would put Ceaser Millan in a tail spin.

Um, no. Up YOURS, Ceaser Millan, Boyfriend IS the pack leader and that's just about that.

2.  Boyfriend's favorite food is a banana.  Homeboy can HEAR, note I said HEAR, us peel a banana from across the house while he is mid-nap in a whole different room.  It's eerie. 

3.  While were on the subject, B also likes the cats' food, or "kitty-krack" as we call it. (Now, we don't actually own cats but our landlords do and as part of our rent we feed these cats when they are away. These are "my" first cats and I must admit they're pretty cool.) But they eat the nastiest food from Costco while we pay $58 dollas for a small bag of organic, no-corn-filler-added, your-mom-researched-hours-on-the-Internet-and-this-is-the-best-of-the-best dog chow for Mr Man. And he still runs out to the cat food dishes every chance.  Thankless Punk.

4.  My Boyfriend INSISTS on sleeping right in between my husband and me in the bed.  

5.  I named my very first dog Oprah.  She was a black Shar Pei and was so fat and wrinkly that she snored. Her snoring was so loud, my mom and I had to give her back to the breeder. (I know this fun dog factoid is about me  - but it's my blog, dammit!!)

Fine B.  It's all about you. I forgot, Pack Leader.

6.  Boyfriend is a friend to timeout.  He takes these timeouts like a champ in the extra bedroom.  Everyone who comes over is truly amazed that when he's acting a fool and I warn him with the word "timeout" he usually A. Quits being crazy. or B.  Heads right in the extra bedroom when I say the word again.  (Timeout has been quite effective. JRTs are scary smart.) He will stay there until we think he gets the point. Although there has been the odd time when we will forget about him and like an hour later I will ask Z where the dog is. Nice, mommy, reallllll nice.

7.  Boyfriend was so so cute when he was little. I mean he's still cute now but ahhhhhhhhhh.....looooooookkkkkk.

Did you purchase your tickets to the Cute Show?

8.  One rainy day I was baking banana bread and I came into the kitchen to find this. Sometimes Mr. Man has no shame.

What? Gawd?! IDK who pee-peed??

9.  I think Boyfriend is more excited to see his dad get home than when I come home.  I'm boring and only take him on 45 minute walks. His dad THROWS THE BALL outside for like 20 minutes. Gee.  Big winner. But alas, I think B loves Z more than me. 

So there you have it. Boyfriend and all his glory.  We just love him.  He's the best Boyfriend we could ever ask for.

Quotes & Funnies

Oh Hi!

Yup - It's me. I have a second to write - I have literally not been at my house but to sleep and shower since last Friday. But life is good and I'm working when the work is comin'....

You know 13 hours on Monday,11 hours Tuesday and 13 hours on Wednesday....no biggie.

Blugh.

First of all I have to share with you this "G-ma Quote." You know my G-ma. The one who bought me my first Snoop CD and who had a whole entire room dedicated to Clowns.

The one on the left with the wonky fu-man-chu...

Well, we had a second to catch up on the phone today and she was telling me some story about her friend named Evelyn. "Who's Evelyn?" I asked. "Oh you know Evelyn," my grandmother replied. "Sometimes she wears her teeth, sometimes she doesn't."

"Oh hey, Evelyn. What's up?"

Who describes someone like this? Or worse yet. Who gets described like this?

I think I want to be BOTH of these when I grow up.... I'm serious.....

While were on the subject of funny things, I recently came across these (on this great website called dearblankpleaseblank.com) and I really liked them:

Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away

with the dish, but I thought you should now that you

have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.

Sincerely,

Spoon

And this one:

Dear People of the World,

I don't mean to sound slutty, but please use me

whenever you want.

Sincerely,

Grammar

(Hahaha!!! And you know my thoughts on grammar and all things like it because of my degree.)

Who writes these things?

I want to be like them when I grow up....I'm serious....

* There are a lot of links on this post. Ya'll know that whenever you see something purple that you can click on it and it will take you to whatever else is pertinent to whatever I am word vomiting about.... right?.... G-ma?.... I'ma talking to you.....

To Sir Elton with Love

What does one half of my voice + one teeny headache + two sore legs =

THE BEST CONCERT EVER!!!

We went to see Sir Elton John last night and believe me when I tell you that man was put on this earth to be a performer!

No Shit.

He's on his "Greatest Hits Tour." So we knew all the words and there was plenty of beer and lots o' dancin'!!

The people behind us were not feelin' the dancin' so much and after they kept telling us to sit down I turned around and said to that party-pooper-fat-lady, "If you wanted to watch Elton John sitting down, then you should have rented his DVD."

Which promptly got me a high five from the man (With A CANE!!) dancing next to me (With A CANE!!)

Now, I normally am not one to snap at strangers (just at those I love dearly) but COME ON LADY!!!! IT'S TINY DANCER!!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????

I will most certainly NOT be sitting down AND I will most certainly NOT be using my "inside voice."

After the song ended, I felt bad about my quick tongue and thought maybe she's too big to stand up for extended periods of time (which isn't my fault, it's probably Krispy Kreme's fault) BUT I made the decision to move to the sides where my fellow dancers were accruing.

This move attracted "instant karma" because as we were walking/singing/sloshing our beers to our new spot we saw this man who has a crush on my husband (yes, you read that right!) and he works at this concert venue and he gave us 2 tickets in the 10th row!

So we went from General Seating with bleachers and grass to actual chairs and you could see E.J. really good. It was then I noticed his purple jacket with the sequined mermaid on the back. Pure Awesomness.

The crowd was a bit lame-o there too, so we went back to the dancing area until "Crocoldile Rock" and then we could see everyone up and at 'em in the 10th row so we ran back to those seats and danced close to Elton for the remaining time.

It was fantastic.

Kinda like this dope-ass coffee cup my friend bought me

which I drank my beer from throughout the night.

Elton and I are classy like that.

I Ain't Even Clownin'

Disclaimer: The following is not meant to put my Grandma's shit on blast all over the Internet BUT this is all true and we love her anyways.....

So, when I was growing up 110 miles away from my Grandma or G-ma as we so affectionately call her. I spent many, many a night at her house. And I LOVED my G-ma's house. Like, LOVED it. (And still do.) Loved the maple ice cream she always had at the ready, loved all her arts and crafts we did and even loved the way her bath towels were (and still are) so scratchy because she ALWAYS hangs her laundry out to dry, even in like -30 degree Montana weather.

I loved how she always cooked breakfast but hated making cookies. I loved how we would make popcorn out of her air-popper and watch The Golden Girls every night.

Here we are representin' the Love........ Stay Golden, ladies, Stay Golden.

Anyways, with all things glorious and awesome, there has to come a part that's not so awesome; that's well, quite frightening, actually.

That un-glorious and un-awesome thing was .............................. my G-Ma had a "Clown Room".

Yup, a WHOLE ENTIRE ROOM FILLED WITH CLOWNS. (Take a second and let that shit sink in your brain.)

A WHOLE ENTIRE MOTHER-LOVIN' ROOM FILLED WITH CLOWNS!!!!!

There were clown bears and clown dolls. She had clown wallpaper and a clown bed spread. There were small clowns, big clowns, clown stain-glass thingys and clown pillows. There was clown Christmas ornaments and many, many clown figurines. Clown rugs and a Cabbage Patch Kid dressed like a clown. There were clowns swinging from the ceiling on wooden swings and clowns sitting on the floor on little wooden rocking chairs. There were even clown snow globes!!!

There was a whole series of pictures she had of this one hobo clown that was apparently dead and sitting on clouds in heaven with clown angles. But the clouds they were sitting on were really clown heads or some trippy shit.

Oh wait!!! Looky what happens when you Google "clowns sitting on clouds." She had this whole series!! There were like 20 of them!!!

I am NOT convinced my G-ma was not stoned when buying these pictures......just kiddin'....sorta.

I'm serious you guys. I know some of you who know me know that I can tend to be a bit dramatic and exaggerate but this is the Truth!! My cousins and family who read this can verify!!

But this is not even the worst part of the story! I know. You are thinking,"It gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds?"

Yes, it gets worse than clown hobos sitting on weird detached clown-head-clouds.

We had to sleep in this room! As vulnerable little children! With no adults! Sometimes even all alone in The Clown Room!

So what looked liked this:

"Go to sleep, Little Miss, and we will play and laugh and

sing in the morning! Just shut those

eyes now and dream sweet gum drop dreams..."

Actually felt like this:

"I wouldn't close those eyes of yours, Little Girl, or I will eat

your face off and

kill your parents and friends and favorite teacher and mailman and poodle..."

Especially after watching this: Please click here - you know what is coming, don't you? Don't you?

I know my sweet little G-ma had this little gem of a room because it made her happy and she genuinly does not think clown are the least bit creepy. Wait Whaaaaa?

I realize now that once she told ONE person she kinda liked clowns they bought her a clown tchotchke (That's not a typo - that's like my favorite word of all time. Look it up.) for her birthday and one for Christmas and Mother's Day and then it got all crazy and she just put all of it in one room and then it became this huge thing that when "you didn't know what to get G-ma you got her another clown tchotchke."

So it just, sorta happened. She's not crazy. She's still one of my most favorite people in the whole world, which is why we never told G-ma that the room was wack-a-doodle and made us shit ourselves at night until she did a massive downsize and moved into a smaller place a couple of years ago.

Out went all the clown crap and in went a good night's sleep..... thank God.... who apparently sits on detached clown-head-clouds.... who knew?

Snot is Hot

Sorry for the lull in blogging.

Here's the haps on the craps.

Z will be sleeping in a volcano for the next two nights... seriously...... how cool it that? He will be hiking into a dormant volcano with 10 of our other friends and looking at really cool things like......ancient, dormant volcano-y things and really great sunrise views while I stay at home with this view.

Look at all the puffy clouds and the orange sun!

Oh wait - those are snotty tissues and a Ricola Honey Cough Drop.......pretty.

Pretty Lame.

My friend was sick last week and I exclaimed, "Oh that sucks. I don't think I've been sick since I moved here."

BAM!!!!!!

A 5-year-in-the-making sinus in-fuck-tion.

Great.

To be honest, I wasn't planning on going on the volcano hike-a-thon. Hiking 24 miles just doesn't sound like a fun time to me. Plus I'm really, really, really scared of heights and when you hike into something, one must hike out of said something. Me no likey.

What I was going to likey was:

* Having the house to myself for 3 days and 2 nights!!

*Eating what I wanted to eat.

*Watching non-dumb-boy movies

*Cleaning up after my own messes!!

*Going to a girls dinner tonight (which I plan on going to, snotty nose and all, I don't think I'm contagious 4 days in....)

*Perhaps a doggie date/sleepover with Boyfriend's Girlfriend and her owner. She lives on the other side of the island and we thought it would be super fun to have a pizza and wine night and maybe let Boyfriend get to third base with his woman; under our adult supervision, of course.

I thought of how I had a whole day off and I could just lounge around on the couch - but I didn't mean because I was sick!!

Now I'm on Day 2 of having to take off work and miserably laying on this couch.

Be Careful What You Wish For.