Random Facts: HO HO HO HOliday Style

I thought I would do a Random Fact blog about Christmas.

Tis the Season

1.  One year when I was around 3 or 4, one of my crazy-ass Uncles, or maybe it was one of their crazy-ass friends, dressed up like Santa Claus and came to the house.  Me and my cousin were the only kids at that time and I remember thinking that we must have been Really Good that year for The Big Guy to stop in just for little ole' us in little ole' Havre, Montana. I also remember thinking how Santa was a little too skinny from what I could recall and that maybe he was even a little drunk? Didn't matter either way - it was the best!!

2.  Unfortunately it was a mere year later when I found the incriminating evidence that Santa was a fake.  It was the year I had gotten a kitchen set for Christmas.

Kinda like this one, except mine was red. 

And I LOVED this kitchen set and pretending I was cooking.  (Which is kinda ironic since I don't love to cook now.) Apparently,  those same crazy-ass Uncles had spent the better part of Christmas Eve putting the thing together and apparently they thought it would be funny to stick their Miller Lite cans in the little tiny refrigerator (which is super funny now that I think of it) and apparently they thought they should take pictures of the whole "kitchen set schennanigans." And my little self found them and put two and two together. And the Santa Claus dream was dead.

Especially when you put the beer in their Kitchen Play Sets!

3.  My mom bought me my first car. A 1989 Nissan Sentra.

Look Mom!! 

And I got in on Christmas and it had a big red bow on it.  Seriously, how spoiled was I?  Shit, what I wouldn't give to have there be a completely PAID FOR car in our driveway this year.....grrrr......

4.  The one time I seriously thought I was going to die was when me, my friends D & A were driving home for Christmas break from college. D's car was like a front wheel drive death machine and we had to go over a mountain pass in Montana in a blizzard. Okay, it wasn't just any old mountain pass it was at the CONTINENTAL DIVIDE where on one side is a mountain and the other side is a 5, 610 foot drop. 

This doesn't even do it justice. Meh.

So here we are, 19 years old, D is driving like 10 miles an hour (as you SHOULD do in a situation like this) and she is hysterically crying. I am in the passenger seat trying to not shit my pants and A is like, dead silent in the back. We all are CONVINCED we are going to slide right off the side of the cliff and die. They have sheriff deputies out on the road and big semis are jack knifed and plows are trying their best to get the roads quasi-decent and it's just a fucking nightmare but we are in the middle of nowhere and we have to keep going. We are all smoking cigarettes even tho it's -10 degrees outside and D has the kind of asthma that's totally deadly but she decides to smoke her first cigarette because her nerves are shot. And we are all going to die anyways so we don't even give a shit. A sheriff comes over to our car that is idling on the road, waiting for the snow plows and D asks him if he could just drive us across the pass because she doesn't think we will make it. He laughs and I wanted to claw his eyes out. We made it but BARELY, stupid jerk-face Sheriff dude.

5.  This is one of my most favorite Christmas traditions from my New Zealand side of the family.

Christmas Cracker Crowns

Crackers are really cool! What isn't so cool is that Christmas is in the summer....

Say Whaaaaa?

I know, RIGHT?

Me: So, growing up you didn't sing "Frosty the Snowman?"

Z: No.

Me: So there was no, "Dashing through the snow, on a one-horse open sleigh?"

Z: Nope.

Me: No "chestnuts on an open fire?"

Z: Yes! Yes! There were those!!

Me: Well thank F-ing Gawd.

Happy Holidays to You and Yours!!  

Adventures with Dentures

We returned last week from our inter-island vacation for Turkey Day. I love seeing all the other islands that make Hawaii. Each is so unique from the other.

And it's always nice to "get off the rock" even if it's to go to another "rock".

Especially when there's wine involved!

I LOVE WINE!!!!

There was also friends, food, surfing and volcanos. The usual Thanksgiving things.

Good times in volcanic steam vents with C, B, Z and me!

There was also much talk about dentures.

I don't recall how it got brought up - but once someone has a story about dentures it seems everyone has a story about dentures, am I right?

My G-ma - whose stories have made this blog more than once -  let me brush her dentures when I was little.  I know she claims she "doesn't remember" this. (DENIAL! Am I right?)  But I remember! It's one of my favorite moments with her. I don't know why they weren't cemented in her mouth -  sorta like G-ma's friend, Evelyn, remember? But maybe she had just gotten them or gotten an upgrade? (Dentures 5.0) But the top one's were not in her mouth and she let me brush them while she held them. I remember really wanting to hold them but those chompers were probably not cheap so I took the next best thing and brushed them for her. It was awesome.

Let me brush them!!

My friend, C, then told me about his Grandma, whom we affectionately call Hula Nanny. (The reason for this is a great, great picture of Hula Nanny which I will get my hands on and put up on this blog asap.)

So C told Hula Nanny that he wanted her dentures when the time comes that she passes away and Hula Nanny agreed.  This is awesome to me for 2 reasons: he wants his G-ma's fake teeth and that she is totally down to give them to him. That's some family love right there. 

Maybe if C collects enough he could make this necklace?

And then my girl, B, told us that when her Grandma, MaryMom, passed away her dying wish was to have B make sure her dentures were in at the funeral so she would look presentable. This is too great. As are all MaryMom's stories.  One of my favorite being that MaryMom used to stand on her porch and wave like the Queen of England as B and her family were driving away.

Man, I wish I could have met MaryMom.

Aren't Grandparents just the best?

Any Denture Adventure stories of your own? Care to share?

Lost Solez - Kidz Edition

Happy Thanksgiving Week everyone!

I thought I would bring you a little somethin' somethin' before we all go in to our food comas.

This time around it's all about the kiddies!!

Paia, Hawaii                                       T-Dubya

Chicago, Illimois                                   Miss Ally  

Paia, Hawaii                      T-Dubya

Ho'okipa, Hawaii                      T-Dubya

 

Olowalu, Hawaii                                 Eileen E.

*Bonus Picture*

Great Falls, Montana            T-Dubya

My favorite is of the sleeping kid! Who says you have to only find Lost Solez on the side of the road?
Seen any lately? Or seen anything that's picture worthy? Send to lostsolezpix@gmail.com

Happy Holidayz!!

Getting Older Sucks

So the reason why I have been away for a while is because I'm fucking old and threw my back out.

Minus the farts (sometimes)

Last Monday I was at work and I went to pick up a butter knife or something stupid and I could not stand back up..... or sit down..... for a solid 10 minutes. I was hunched over like a 207-year-old lady. I was trying not to cry/cuss/panic while my two homegirls were trying to calm me down/not laugh/set up a wedding for 45 people.

Shit sucked.

AND I had to continue to try to cater that wedding all the while not being able to carry anything heavier than a vodka soda or salad plate. I was a real help.

:(

So I was laid out for an entire week - laying prone on my living room floor with my feet up on a chair alternating between ice packs and heating pads. I watched way too many movies/biography channel/Mad Men episodes. My brain literally felt like mush.  

My view for almost 3 days straight.
At least Boyfriend was there to help ease his mama's pain!

Anyway - god bless massage therapists!!  I'm feeling better after being rubbed down by my massage therapist man. (I am not going to go into how awkward it SHOULD have felt that I was completely naked with a man in a little room that was NOT my husband, while he was rubbing my ass and sacrum because it felt SO GOOD to feel NORMAL again that it didn't even matter. He was so knowledgeable and so not-my-type that I didn't even care when he "probably"' saw my vajayjay. Whateves.)

So I'm back!!! And feeling about 85% better, but I'm not sure how much longer I can sit in this crappy computer chair. 

I did want to share with you what my awesome friend brought me during my laid-out-on-the-living-room-floor days.

She knows how to make a girl feel better!!

And here's another one of my girls on her vacation in CA!! She was at a salon where the owner sewed her own mustache pillows! 

Mustache Pillow Love

And then I got a little heads up about these new Toms from a reader (Thanks K.B.!) which I should probably own, no? (Remember when I blogged about my other Toms?  They should just be sending me free shit by now!! )

Click here to see the shoes. 

I couldn't screen grab them to put them on here so please click on the link and maybe do some holiday shopping? Remember: Toms gives a pair of shoes to a needy child with every pair of shoes bought! I love this idea. The shoes are super-de-dooper comfortable. Plus Tom is kinda hot.

*I'm a size 8 in case anyone is wondering! ;)

They would probably do this back a little good.

Rain Boots Rule!!!

It's been raining for like 3 days in a row here on this Hawaiian Island.  It's funny when people who live here complain about the rain.

I always think 3 things:

1.  You live in a tropical RAIN forest. It's going to f-ing rain. So pull your rain-soaked panties up and deal with it.
2.  You complain when it's too dry and this luscious land looks like South Dakota. Not very good for tourist-season. If people wanted to see South Dakota then they................... are crazy.
3.  At least it ain't snow.  And if it ain't snow then you have NOTHING to complain about in my book so shut yo face up.

I love the rain. I love to read in the rain, sleep in the rain, "snuggle" with Z in the rain, write in the rain, whistle in the rain. Blink in the rain. (You get the point.)

Especially since my mom scored me these beauties from Target!!

That's Right!!! My Missonis Bitches!!

You see - because Montana is in the middle of nowheresville and the style there is.... shall we say..... LIMITED.... my mom totally scored these when the whole "Missoni Target Shennanigans" were going on. Straight-up like 2 weeks after all the other Targets in the entire universe sold out of their Missoini items and the Target website crashed, my mom waltzes into our Target in G-funk and scores these! In a size women's 8 no-less!!  Ha!! But she sneakily told me they didn't have any but mailed them to me so when I opened my package these were in there! THE BEST!!

I wanted these because it's been awhile since I had a pair. I had this pair that I LOVED when we lived in Vermont on that farm. I hard-core rocked them for months at a time but for the past 5 years they have been MIA.

RIP FRBs

I LOVED these. Never mind I was 24 and had to jam my foot into the biggest big-kid size they made.  Never mind one of the straps broke because it wasn't made for a grown-ass adult to pull on. These made my 7 AM & 7 PM feedings of sheep, dogs, chickens and that mean ass rooster, Ozzie, (remember my chicken-coop saga?) bare-able.

They made me happy.

They made me EXTREMELY happy one day when I was walking into the post office.

I hear this little boy shouting, "Hey! Gurl!" I keep walking because I'm 24, obviously I am not a "gurl."

But he shouts again, "Hey!!! Gurrrrlllll!!"

I look over and he's holding his mom's hand. He's probably 5 and he points down with his other free hand at his green froggy boots and goes, "We got da' same boots!!" with so much excitement in his little voice. His mom starts laughing and I'm like, "Right on!" He nods like he totally gets it. 

Like we were Froggy Boot Soul Mates. 

Pretty Much 

I just hope the next woman I see rocking my same Missonis will have that much excitement in HER voice! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.......

Lost Solez- "Goin' Global"

So on this episode of Lost Solez we will be featuring Lost Solez from "Around the World." Thank you to my beautiful Kiwi cousin, Rianna, and my homeboy, K-Money,  for thinking of me whilst on their vacations!!

Vang Vieng,  Laos                                       Rianna H.

Phnom Penh, Cambodia                                                  Rianna H.   

Chaing Mai, Thailand                               Rianna H.

Hoi An, Vietnam                  Rianna H. 

Rishikesh, India                                                       K.$.

  

Kashmir, India                                                        K.$.

 How fun was that?? Hell yeah - Lost Solez goin' global!!!  Love that!!!!

An Ode to the three F's: Fall, Family & Friends

Well, it's that time of year again. The time I get all nostalgic for Montana and my family and seasons. Fall just gets to me every Fricking time of year, you guys.

I hate it.

I'm constantly checking airplane ticket prices and calling my mom, "I can get home for $640? Should I do it?" And of course she says yes... but then the stupid-head rational part of me screams, "No!! It's going to SNOW and you only have 2 pairs of jeans and 1 pair of closed toed shoes! WTF are you thinking?"

But I miss the seasons fall, not winter. Screw winter and the starting your car for 30 minutes to defrost the inside of your window, screw 4PM darkness, screw it being so cold you physically can't take a deep breath outside or your lungs will, like, literally freeze. No way.

It's all about autumn baby.... and this is what I miss the most.....(and this is in no particular order)

 Puffy Vests RULE!!!!!

The reason I love puffy vests (it doesn't have to be North Face) is that I have been sporting these since highschool. I think I have sported one in every color of the rainbow. They are cute and functional. But in 84 degree weather? Not so much.

Ugh, Moose Drool beer makes me happy,

The best beer for fall.... ever...... Hands Down.

Grizzly Football. The best.

There are a lot of people who love the Montana Grizzlies, there is no disputing that fact,  but I GRADUATED from this place, got a DEGREE, lived, loved and partied in this TOWN and BLEED maroon and silver. I'm just sayin'. I love this place and shit runs deep, yo' shit runs deep.

Deciduous Trees!!

I totally love me some palm trees now, but every now and then I miss this. I miss the smell, the crunch and the beautiful colors.

Nom, Nom, Nom

God Bless who ever made these.... if only I could wear them. Again, in 84 degrees? Not so much.

Well, now I am sad. I am going to try to find me a real good smelling pumpkin candle, heat up some apple cider and cry myself to sleep. 

(I KNOW I live on a tropical island. Oh, whoa-iz-me, right?  I plan on going to the beach for the rest of this day....but just let me have this one moment, OKAY???!!! Thanks.)

But really, I just miss these people, my people, my tribe. On a constant basis.

My beautiful mother.

Trout Slayer. AKA Sam

My G-ma!!

My dad.

My Mary.

My BFF, A

My homegirlz.

Love & miss each of you with all my heart. xoxo

Random Facts a la Z

It is Z's 32nd Birthday today!

So in honor of the man lucky enough to spend the rest of his life with this girl - I have decided to do a Random Fact Blog all about him.

1. Homeboy hates to put mail in the mailbox at the post office. I mean like, fo' real, hates it. He gets a little anxiety over the whole process; whether it's the big blue metal box or the little lift-up hole in the wall at the P.O.  He says it's because he's worried that there isn't a stamp, or that he addressed the envelope wrong or he put the wrong thing in the wrong envelope. (Which makes no sense since I am the one who pays the bills, sends christmas cards, etc.....) But this anxiety streams over to mailing mail I have assembled too. And of course, I think this is so fantastically fucking hilarious because he has not a care in the world over anything else; so I make him mail them every time!

2.  Z has size 11 feet..... but the dude is only 5'7"! (I will refrain from the obvs penis joke here - but only because my mom and g-ma read this.) But they do remind me of hobbit feet.

Well, sans hair.

3.  Z is the smack-ass middle of 5 siblings.  (I am the only child, remember?) This, my good friends, is that golden answer to the question, "How do you have a long, lasting marriage?" Now where is my million and millions of dollars??

4.  Z's porn-star name is.......................... are you ready for this.......................Fluffy Bum Charmers.

(Ya'll know your porn-star name is the first pet you can remember owning and the first street you can remember living on.**)  Mine is Mini Big Spur, and until meeting Z, I thought I had the best one. But then I met Z and that name knocked my socks off!

5.  Z once owned a pig named Punk.

Punk probably looked a little like this guy.

6.  Dude can not take a first sip of soda without hiccuping. It's so weird and is one of those things that I thought was cute when we first met but now, 8 years later,  I think it is so annoying. Get a grip, take a sip, it's only carbonation, gawd.

7.  When Z shaved off the mustache, the angles in heaven cried.

As did we all.

Happiest of Days to you Z!!  Here's to another year of love &  laughs!  

*Please feel free to leave your porn-star name in the comments below - I bet we can find someone who's better than Fluffy Bum Charmers. (Okay, probably not.... but we can try, no?)

The Chicken Coop Chronicles

I have been so busy lately that I think I may have forgotten how to write.

Let's see - what story can I tell you.

Did you guys know that one time I was stuck in a chicken coop for like an hour in like snowy-ass 5 degree weather?

Find me!

Okay, that wasn't really a picture of the chicken coop - add like 5 feet more snow and add night time/pitch dark up in the mix and add the fact that I had just gotten back from the gym and was wearing work out pants and a tank top with a long sleeve shirt over the top and tennis shoes.  Sprinkle in the fact that this story involves a 5 month-old chocolate lab named Fudge 

Ahhhhh.... (Again, not the real Fudge but you get the gist.)

and top it off with 1 mean ass rooster that wanted to kill me 

I hate you, Ozzy. (Yet again, not the real Ozzy but pretty dang close.)

Put it out in the freezing-ass Vermont cold and this is what you get.......

"Moooommmm," I whine, "I'm stuck in the chicken coop."

"You're what?" my mom asks, stifling a laugh.

"I'm locked in the chicken coop because I went to put them in for the night after I got back from the gym so I shut the chain link door behind me but that little dog Fudge that lives here followed me and jumped up on the door and pushed the latch down and now it's locked and I can't get out."

"Well, where's Z," my mom asked.

 "He's painting the main house, which is like 200 yards away. I can see him in the window but it's dark down here by the barn and he can't see me." 

"Have you tried calling the house?" mom asked.

"Yes, but the family that we are house sitting for is at their 3rd house in Jackson Hole, Wyoming all the way on the other side of the country so they have the house number rerouted so they can take all their calls there and because this is like the second week working for them I'm not going call them and let them know I am a farm-failure."

"Oh, honey," mom said. "Are you cold? It's like 7:30 at night in January in Vermont."

"I'm freezing," I whine.  "I've been in here for like 20 minutes and I can't feel my toes and it's snowing and I'm not wearing a hat or gloves or even a jacket."

"You're not wearing your hat?" mom asked accusingly.

"What? Oh - um, no. God mom,  I was just coming home from the gym and thought I would quickly pull down the chicken hatch and drive up to the house and say Hi to Z. I wasn't planning on being outside for this long on a little dinner date/meet and greet with the chickens."

It then dawns on me that I might fricking get frost bite and lose my toes and then I will never be able to wear flip-flops or dance the tango and so of course I start to cry; which just made my face freeze and made the dog upset and start to whine.

"Is that the dog?" mom asked.

"Yes, she's whining and trying to dig underneath the door," I explained. "I think she knows I'm stuck in here."

"Oh, that's kinda cute," mom sighs.

You are NOT cute.

"It's not cute!" I cry. "OMG I'm going to freeze to death in a chicken coop at the age of 23. This sucks and you're going to hear the whole thing. Then you won't think it's very cute."

"Honey, you are over reacting."

"I'm a little cold, mom. I'm sorry."

"Can you go into where the chickens sleep - it must be warm."

"I would rather freeze to death then have Ozzy peck my eyeballs out."

"Yes, that rooster does have it in for you."

"I threw a 2x4 at him earlier today," I said. "What time is it now?'

"5:45 my time so 7:45 your time," mom answered.

"I've been in here for a half hour," I'm going to do some jumping jacks and see if I can squeeze in with the chickens and all of their chicken shit and disgustingness."

"Good idea," mom agrees. "Call me in 5 minutes."

So I do some jogging in place and jump around, which gets the dog all riled up and barking. I think that maybe Z will look outside if he hears barking so I run around and scream and jump and act like a mad woman. The dog barks even louder. Z doesn't notice a thing. I start to sing songs and pet the dog threw the chain link. I giggle a little because it's like the opposite of a dog shelter. Like I'm hoping Fudge picks me and takes me to her warm home. I think I may be going insane because I'm so cold. I'm still shivering so at least my body hasn't shut down yet. 

I try to crawl into the chicken box. It  is warm-ish in there. The chickens are all huddled together in one long line of fowl but then a head pokes up from the feathers and I see

so I shimmy back out and call me mom.

"Ozzy is giving me the stink eye."

"Honey, you have to get warm and you have to call the police."

"OMG mom, I'm not calling the police! It will take them a half hour to get out here and then they're gonna have to cut the fence and then we will lose this job and we really need this job to save some money."

"Well, what are you going to do? Wait for hours until Z is done painting?"

"I'm not sure. I can't think. I'm really cold and sleepy."

"Hang up. Hang up right now." my mom said all panicky. "I'm calling the cops."

"Wait, I see a car coming up our driveway!" I exclaim. "I think it's the neighbors - Fudge's parents! OMG! OMG! I gotta go, mom."

So again, I proceed to yell and scream and jump and act like a crazy woman.  The lady lives on the same property as us but I've never really had a complete conversation with her yet. She pulls her warm white Land Rover over and rolls down her window.

"Hey Fudge!" she exclaims as the dog rushes over to her. "Hey In There?" (I know she says this because she doesn't remember my name.)

"Hi, OMG can you please let me out. I'm stuck in here. I've been stuck in here for like an hour. Your dog jumped on the outside latch and pushed it down and I'm freezing."

"OMG - you've been stuck out here in the cold and dark in that chicken coop with Ozzy?"

"Yes."

She starts laughing, "I'm surprised you have your eyes still."

She lets me out and I get into her warm car to make the 30 foot drive to her house. We go inside and she puts on some tea.

"I can't believe you were in that chicken coop for so long. Why didn't you just call your husband at the main house?" She asks, still laughing. She hands me a piping hot tea and Fudge curls on my lap and I start to explain.